To cancel going to friends wedding

well done OP

I disagree with this,I would absolutely expect my husband to go to his sisters wedding,

I wouldnt, really. She didn't even check they were free on that date so is she bothered about either of them being there?

The last minute wedding and not checking your availability either means they’re not bothered whether you can make it or not or they’re arrogant and assume you will drop everything for them. Neither is good.

mosr people don’t sit and check their wedding dates with folks to be fair.

So if you planned a wedding in 6 weeks you wouldn’t check sibling availability?! Odd.

they generally do for the people they most want in attendance.
it’s totally unreasonable to not check availability but then get funny about an invitation being declined due ti a prior arrangement.

Most people don’t announce the date 6 weeks in advance either

I would go to my friends and my husband to his sisters. Yes your friend may be angry that he cancelled but I agree he shouldn’t miss his sisters. You have plans in advance and are a big part of the wedding you shouldn’t miss your friends wedding and even though his family may be upset they also should of checked with you you had no plans before setting a date. That’s on them.

No

Have you never heard of a save the date a year in advance?

They do and they dont.

For immediate family who you want to be there, and who want to be there, you do.

Has anyone got any plans for the date being considered, any teachers in the family? Either weekend dates then or midweek only during the holidays. Grandma isnt very well so perhaps we should bring it forward to X month. That sort of thing.

Sounds like SIL is way too used to shouting "jump" and her parents asking "how high?"

Agree. DH and I checked with our parents and siblings before setting at date. We wanted to make sure our closest family members were there.

Hard disagree.

1. The OP is a bridesmaid at the friend's wedding, and it is really bad form to pull out
2. The OP has already paid for travel, hotels, childminding and traditional clothing and I doubt that any of it is refundable
3. The SIL sounds like a nasty bully who expects everyone to jump to her demands

What is trivial about a wedding? It is one of the biggest occasions in someone’s life.

What needs to happen is - absolutely nothing. If they attempt, in way, to bully you, if they say a single negative word you remove yourself from the groups. When they can behave like normal, reasonable people you can then talk to them again.

There's nothing to discuss and nothing to apologise for. So don't. Or look forward to the next however many years you all know one another being treated as their whipping post.

Edited to add - however your husband could have gone to his sister's wedding and you could have gone to your friend's. No reason you both have to go together, at all.

But, this is your decision, and it is a perfectly fair and reasonable one. Nobody normal or decent expects someone to cancel wedding plans, booked and paid for, 6 weeks out. And nobody normal or decent expects everyone to drop everything with only 6 weeks notice.

It should not matter what they say or do. They can be sad, they can be mad, but good people don't dump one thing because something else came along. Especially when you are a part of your friend's wedding.

What you did was decent, honorable and the right thing to do. Your DH's parents can placate your SIL all by themselves instead of trying to exert dominance over everyone when SIL is a flake.

Now that you have seen that you will not melt or be unalived for sticking up for what is right; be prepared to do it again and again. Your DH's family is the type where only they matter and others can just pound salt.

Congratulations on yours and your DH's firm and sturdy backbones. It's not easy, but it is necessary.

Edited to add: Yes, your DH could have gone to his sister's wedding and perhaps you could have taken a friend or someone with you to your friend's wedding. Honestly, though, I am glad you are both going to the wedding you have had on your calender for 6 months. Six weeks notice is batshite and very entitled of your SIL, which seems to be her stock and trade.

Have a GREAT time!

They send a save the date out typically a year in advance at least. Who books a last minute wedding like this and expects everyone to attend? Six weeks is barely any notice at all, people could be away on holiday or not even able to get it off work with that sort of notice. Glad you’re sticking with the original wedding OP.

I’m so pleased you have messaged SIL explaining your prior engagement. You are not their puppet and if your in laws do start raging you can refuse to engage. You can refuse to go round or meet up if all they wish to do is make you uncomfortable and abuse you. Family don’t have the right to bully you into submission and conform and your children will notice and be expected to fit in to avoid the toxicity as they grow older. This behaviour makes people feel they are unlovable unless they give up themselves and surrender.

As much as I don’t like the emotional manipulation I don’t disagree with them on your husband attending,

You disagree with what? The DH honouring a commitment he made to close friends to attend their wedding?

OP, stay firm. DH should tell MIL that it's far too late to rescind the invitation and it would cause upset and financial loss for your friends and that he would never be able to look his close friends in the eye again.

Just ignore them. You've paid out too much to back down now. She can save her tears for someone else.
SIL should have told people in advance like a normal person. MIL is projecting the trouble she has caused, onto you. Its not your problem and not your issue to fix. DH needs to stand up for himself.

Oh Dear! @Watdidusay I hope you both manage to stick to your guns. That is absolutely dreadful that MIL is trying the emotional blackmail angle. I hope she doesn't get away with that - otherwise it will happen every time something similar happens, and they will know that Emotional Blackmail wins every time, if you give in on this occasion. Feel for both you and DH