AIBU to avoid family holidays because I compare myself to my sister-in-law?

If you don't fancy a family holiday gig, don't do it. I don't blame you one bit, if you are not happy doing it, then don't. It is probably not the result of any arguments or tension, just your own lack of self esteem maybe. But whatever the reason, be true to yourself and decline the invite.

If your partner wants to go, let him go and take the kids, while you have an amazing time at home doing your own thing.

I suppose you have to come up with a reason for the PILs, so have a strategy for that, don't like skiing, don't like the cold, afraid to break a limb, whatever. But don't make it personal against any of the in laws. They are probably fine, it's your perception of yourself when with them is the problem. But that's OK. Do yourself a big favour and bail out of this one.

"In the summer DPs parents took us all on holiday and I came back feeling like crap, one because I was always physically comparing myself to her, I’m a healthy weight but don’t feel good in my body, I’m definitely feeling like I look a lot older now at 35, and especially compared to the way she just does nothing, very little make up, never dyed her hair etc, she just looks so naturally good"

So what?

Why are you "always physically comparing yourself to her"? She is 7 years younger than you. People can't really help their height.

You felt like crap because you chose to.

Choose not to and go and have a lovely holiday (or decline for a valid reason such as not liking skiing)

You are listening to your own internal voice OP and it's being very unkind. Every single time you hear it, repeat to yourself - "enough, I'm so done with all the negativity."
No one is as hard on ourselves as we are to ourselves.
And we don't deserve it!

I think it’s perfectly okay to not do something that you know will make you feel like rubbish. At our age, you know your own mind. Be selfish, put yourself first, no one else will. However try not to compare as hard as it is, Im sure her girls aren’t always little angels and I bet your boys shine in other ways. Try and do something to boost your confidence, I bet you look great, sounds like you just need a pick me up, new hair style or a new make up routine, something to give you your spark. Your SIL will have issues you don’t know about and probably looks at you in envy about aspects of your life.

Your kids, your life, your family life sounds completely normal. Your boys sound like perfectly normal energetic boys. All I can say (from personal experience) there is a window of opportunity to make family memories, parents lose their health, kids lose grandparents...you have in-laws who want to give you holidays and create memories, grab it with both hands especially for your kids and DH's sake.

Your feelings are completely valid, many many of us would feel the same, envy and insecurity is an awful emotion to get a handle on. Please try to though for your own well being and for your family.

I have one girl and one boy. The girl has been a breeze to raise so far (she’s 10 so no hormones yet!) But the boy child. Oh. My. God! He’s 7 and so much more challenging in every way. I thought I was such a brilliant parent until I had a boy! 😆 Threw away my judgy pants and popped on a life raft!

There will always be people who are younger, thinner, fitter, better looking, more confident.
There will always be parents with better behaved kids.
Same way as there will always be people older, uglier, less physically capable and parents with kids who behave like the spawn of the devil.
You can't go through life avoiding the first lot of people, and to the second lot...YOU are the first lot...iyswim 😅

Comparisons are pointless, and here you seem to be the only one making them.

At 35 you need to work on your self esteem. And then go and enjoy the holiday!

Comparison is the thief of joy - it's easy for other people to say that but much harder to ignore the voice in your head. Some people are blessed genetics and some people, not so much! Work on the parts of yourself that you feel could do with improving but be realistic, you are never going to look like your SIL and I'm pretty sure your husband would be freaked out if you did!

What a shame for DH and DC to miss out on family time because you’re worried about yourself…

If you don't want to go, don't go - life is too short to be forcing yourself to do things that make you miserable. As for everyone who's telling you to 'work on yourself' and your self esteem - if that was so easy, of course you would do it, and I'm sure you will when you have time and resources. But in the meantime it's absolutely fine to protect yourself from feeling bad. You're human.

You have two (I assume healthy as you haven’t mentioned otherwise) children, a partner, you’re a healthy weight and have in laws who take you on holiday. There are probably people who are envious of you

I’ve been where you are and I think there is something else going on and you’re focusing on your SIL as the cause but she likely isn’t. I
she’s just getting on with her life.

you are likely not happy in yours- she’s a goood diversion particularly as you don’t have to address this trigger very often. Time to look at what you want from your own life?

took me a decade btw 😂

Yes and I'd add that there will always be couples who are richer than you. It's taken me years and years to come to terms with this.

Take the time to work on things you can control, and try to forget about stuff you can't control.

You mention she's married and you aren't - is that something you want to change? Because that is much more in your control than your age etc.

Your kids are significantly older than hers and every kid is going through a phase at any one time. Don't compare them, it's apples and oranges.

Are you in a position to look at buying rather than renting? Is there scope to increase your income to aim for that? Again, this is potentially more in your control than your weight.

Draw up a (mental) list of things you envy about her life and cross out things that are trivial or out of your control. Then tick off things you can aim towards.

Eg:
She's married, you aren't - discuss marriage with your partner
She has daughters, you have sons - dismiss idea from your mind
She is 28, you are 35 - so what, dismissed!
She is apparently slimmer than you - unimportant! Cross it out

Etc

They have to miss out because you are insecure and jealous? Sure it is up to you i guess

It would be a real
shame for your children to miss out on the opportunity to learn to ski and spend time with their family just because of your insecurities.

You either need to address the way you feel or suck it up. Your dc would manage the flight without iPads if they weren’t given iPads.

Just do your own holidays with your family. No need to go with the ILs. That’s always going to cause a bit of tension surely.

Quite suddenly, your parents in law may not be skiing again.
There is an illness, an injury and when recovered they aren't quite back to where they were before.

If your in laws were rude and disrespectful to you, I would say "don't go". But it sounds like they are nice people and that the problems are all in your head. You can take control of that voice - it's not easy but you can.

Don't pass up opportunities to do things together because of the voice in your head. The opportunities may not be endless.

Why would they have to miss out? The OP and husband can take them skiing.

I assumed the dad and boys would go without op, nothing wrong with that?

Wouldn’t you be pretty pissed off if your partner refused to go on a family holiday?!

Don't miss out on family time, which everyone could enjoy, and the kids could bond closely (ok, many families aren't close, but some are, and it would be amazing to give your children that extra chance at avoiding loneliness), just because of your insecurities. Your kids don't care who is taller, or who looks younger. Your parents/in-laws want to know you, a nice person and care about your character, not whether you're a supermodel.
Looks will fade, anyway. Being a good, close member of the family can last forever,

Not really? Have you never done stuff with your kids and parents without your partner? We do stuff like that all the time, sometimes I have to work during half term so dh takes the kids to see his parents. I think that's pretty normal. He intends to take dd skiing without me next year, why would he be pissed off to do that? He gets to ski, and I get to not ski (it's not for me). No one is pissed off

Op that sounds so hard. I used to compare myself to sil- it was almost comedic that everything I’ve ever chased in my life and failed at she is AMAZING at- lifeguard (I have been having lessons for years and still at the same stage!), incredible cook and baker and used to make bread while holding her baby(!), teaches the languages I could never get a handle on, amazing at music, fit - and then I remember her saying how tough life is for women. How absolutely shit that you can never stop moving etc etc and I just really told myself to stop. To just think wow she’s amazing she can do all that. I don’t think you should go op, but just have a good excuse and then after that try to get to know her better so she can get down off the pedestal and ye can be friends x

Not a family holiday, no

This is about you and how you feel, not about her. Do you like her company or not? Thats the consideration here!
My sister in law is taller, skinnier and earns more than me too. She got two healthy kids, I struggled to fall pregnant with one. I love sitting by the pool having a drink with her on holiday, because I'm ok with who I am. What could you do to make yourself feel better about you?