AIBU to avoid family holidays because I compare myself to my sister-in-law?

A skiing trip is sp expensive if they are offering to pay you’d be nuts not to go, SIL or not! I bet your boys would love it.

My ex had two perfect sisters just like the ones you describe. I never felt good enough around them, but it was definitely a 'me' problem. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. She is younger than you so of course she's going to look it! And girls are definitely easier to manage than boys at that age. Anything could happen to make your SIL age suddenly, but I bet that wouldn't make you feel good would it? The only person judging you is yourself, be kind to yourself!

YABU: You would like to deprive your partner and children of a skiing holiday with family because of your jealousy and inferiority complex? Grow up!

It's not unreasonable to be sad and it's nearly impossible not to compare. I would just say though, please do consider working on not comparing. I can't advise how but people do have epiphanies - see her as a role model or motivation, rather than being envious.

Remember she will have issues, everyone does, you just don't know about them.

And I would work on behaviour with your sons. Do activities with them and get them used to conversing instead of needing ipads. More family time like board games and so on.

Would be such a shame to lose out on family holidays - and especially for your kids to miss out on memories and opportunities to build bonds with their cousins, just because of your current low self-esteem. You can work on this.

Absolutely agree.

All of it, but this bit stuck out:
And I would work on behaviour with your sons. Do activities with them and get them used to conversing instead of needing ipads. More family time like board games and so on.
I noticed that the OP said her boys were ‘overstimulated’. It’s a parenting word that automatically makes me wary. I’ve a friend who uses it all the time: ‘How was your weekend?’
’It was ok. Took the boys to the cinema (or whatever), but they were so overstimulated afterwards…’
I’ve now realised that she uses that every time they ever do anything. And that they rarely do anything at all. They do nothing. School work and TV. That’s it. And then when they do a family activity once a month or so or on holiday, her boys are left ‘overstimulated’.
They’re not overstimulated, they’re hugely under stimulated and then they get a taste of something fun and enjoy it.
That’s not to say children can’t be over stimulated, but that, in my experience, those that often seem to use the phrase a lot do so because they’re not used to doing much with their children and seem rather shocked when they do.
Of course, that may not be the case at all here. And we can all of us only ever do the best we can, and there will always be other parents with children who eat everything, behave amazingly (in public) and probably speak 12 languages fluently by the time they’ve 6. BUT, it is often the case that those children who are better at certain things are so because they have more exposure to things and can cope better.
My children are dreadfully fussy eaters, their cousins are amazing. But I am wholly aware that this is on us as parents and I would never think to resent my siblings and sisters/ brothers in law because my children are fussier eaters than theirs.

@Cralouie it’s a shame you weren’t able to enjoy the holiday due to comparing yourself and your children unfavourably to your in laws. You seem to feel judged for having boisterous boys and needing to manage their behaviour. However you were managing them and helping them to navigate a world they are unfamiliar with. That’s hard work and everyone knows that.

In a few years they will be able to be far less supervised because they are no longer unfamiliar with those environments and that will be down to you and your DH having put in the yards.

Be sure that if your PIL were upset or annoyed by them it’s very unlikely they’d be inviting you all on a super expensive ski trip. No, they understand that kids have to learn. They can also learn from seeing their cousins acting appropriately in those settings.

I would honestly try and take this opportunity and try to enjoy it. They will be in ski school for a few hours a day giving you freedom. You might even enjoy it.

Obviously the SIL envy is tricky but she sounds nice. Stop looking up to her and imagining this flawless paragon. She won’t be. Maybe work a bit on your self esteem and redirect your attention to enjoying the bonus of free trips with decent people?

Not really the point but doing a flight with iPads is deffo the sensible more admirable way to do it 😂

You have boys and she has girls. Never compare them again. Your experiences are just going to be too different. And even if you have to fake it until you make it, show your sister you rejoice in your boys.

Get a copy of Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph, Maggie Dent’s latest or even something from the late Celia Lashlie. As a girl, it’s sometimes really difficult to see what’s normal and good for them as a good thing.

Your boys did the flight without iPads. You are a fabulous parent.

"and probably speak 12 languages fluently by the time they’re 6"

😂😂😂

I agree entirely. We need different vocabulary to describe what naturally happens when you deliberately severe a person's attention span by feeding them short-form entertainment all day, every day via screens. It's not ADHD, it's screentime-induced apathy (SIA). It's not overstimulation, like you say: it's crashing after a rare, normal level of human-on-human stimulation because the bar has been lowered so massively.

OP: sorry to digress.

I’d probably be jealous of someone who owned their house outright at 28, that’s amazing!

Does your partner want to go on the holiday?

Oh yeah, all families who aren't well off, don't own their home and are in debt pop off to Aspen every half term 🙄

I agree it would be a shame for the rest of the family to miss out on an amazing holiday they otherwise would be unlikely to afford, plus the grandparents miss out on the time with their DGC, just because of OP's insecurities. If DH is happy to take the boys alone that's one thing (could make up an excuse OP can't get time off work), but otherwise she needs to get over it. Otherwise what's next? Can't come to their wedding celebration because SIL will be wearing a nicer dress? Can't celebrate Christmas together because her kids aren't as well behaved? It's ridiculous.

Her insecurity is OP's problem to work on, if she wasn't comparing herself to SIL it would be someone else - would it be okay for her to not go to work because her colleague is fitter than her?

Your choice OP

As long as you don’t stop your husband and kids from going.

I think it's okay if you don't have the capacity to deal with these kinds of feelings in close quarters like a family holiday. I also understand these types of feelings - they can be really, really challenging. Long term though, ideally you'd find a healthier solution than avoidance.

(FWIW - things might be hard now, but they won't be tough forever. You're doing great job x)

No reason to feel you have to go on a holiday which you know you won't enjoy ! Particularly with in-laws ! Theyare all familynbut you're the odd one out ?

I think you need to work on your own self esteem and feeling better about yourself. Stop comparing, it will never bring any joy and why would you do that to yourself?!?!

As for the kids, don’t worry about it. Every child has their own personality and as long as your kids are happy, that’s ok. They sound like normal kids and who cares what her girls behave like.

Set yourself a challenge to go on holiday and just enjoy yourself!

Your PILs obviously enjoyed having you all or they would not have suggested another holiday. For your boys to try skiing at their age is amazing good luck. You are very, very down on yourself. The mountains are beautiful, you deserve to enjoy them too.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/raise-low-self-esteem/

Dear OP, please stop and try to be a little kinder to yourself.
If you can assure me that DSIL achieved her mortgage-free status by the sweat of her very own brow, then I might be open to being impressed. However, in the absence of evidence, I'm suspecting she's "married well". Good for her.
Naturally beautiful & slim people just get better deals in life (there's reams of Social Psychology studies on this). We have to accept: "There Is No Fair".
And she's got two DDs, while you've got two DSs.

I know I'm about to bring down the wrath of MN upon myself BUT, by and large, on most variables, girl children are much easier, to bring up than boy children. Exceptions abound, doubtless. Nevertheless, the rule of thumb applies.
e.g. I had a DD, she was - pretty much - an absolute doddle & delight to bring up. Now DD has a DGS, who is delightful, gentle, sweet, funny, engaging but SO MUCH MORE demanding.
Yes, ok, sample of 1 in each case. Doesn't constitute a trend.
However, OP, you are in a completely different situation from your DSIL. Sounds like you are pushing uphill, whereas DSIL has it a bit jammy?

So, the playing field isn't level. So, don't blame yourself. You're doing the best you can in very different circumstances.
"There Is No Fair". Accept that and work from there.

You are being really unfair to PIL and kids. Boys will love skiing. You will all be in separate ski schools you will get big breaks from everyone meaning just dinner. In ski suits everyone pretty much looks the same
the sil doesmt even seem to be judging you the fact you been asked means they like you.
you need more confidence a healthy weight great maybe walk more do some weights amd you will feel better in yourself. Jealously is horrible but it stems from own insecurity and thats what yoy need to concentrate on. Looking old at 35? Wait till 45 you will think you looked great. Get some mini trests if can afford before homiday nails eyebrows shaped little things can help. Buy a more glam second hand ski outfit etc. it’s entirely possible you sil hates her looks. Id be rich if had £1 everytime a random female work colleague told me they hated me as i was skinny. Felt rubbish. Being monitored had 2 cakes from kitchen criticised had no the same i couldn't win. Not everything is as it seems on the surface. Just wait till teens girls are a big pain in arse the tables will turn.
The fresh skiing air and exercise could be the mental reset you need. You just dont know it yet.

How is she with you?is she a nice person ? Are your issues yours or is she horrible to you

You are raining on your own parade here and depriving your family of a free skiing holiday and time with GPs and cousins.
The good news is your SIL hasn’t done anything to annoy you.
Boys are generally not quiet and skiing will be brilliant for them.
They should be in ski school most of the week unless you are very competent and can teach them, but you’ll find you won’t see SIL and or her girls all day and just meet up after the lifts close and everyone is back to the hotel.
work out why you are projecting- what your own goals are, be really thankful for what you do have in your life and FGS be grateful SIL isn’t a cow or you’d really be fizzing yourself up

Surely if OP doesn’t go because of her own self-esteem issues, she wouldn’t bar her family from going?!

Thats really would be selfish.

You should def go.
Being offered a free skiing holiday is an amazing opportunity for your whole family. Yes they could go without you, but
A) it'll be much harder for your dp to manage by himself than with both of you
B) your kids will miss you bring in their holiday/ memories.

She's going to be in your life for your lifetime, and willl always be younger, taller, and pretty, so unless you want to miss out on all sorts of things, you may as well try and overcome this now. Yes it's hard, but not impossible.

What is she like as a person? I think if she is a nice person then you should try to get over your insecurities and go on these holidays, they are a fantastic opportunity and it's great for the kids to spend time with cousins and grandparents etc, maybe plan some activities just for yourselves though so you aren't all joined at the hip.

I understand where you are coming from though.. My DH has a female cousin who is younger, thin and so pretty, but, she is the nicest most welcoming person you could meet.. I wish I could hate her but I love her to bits, fucking bitch.

i offer just a few thoughts. It’s normal to sometimes feel a little jealous but comparison gets you nowhere. Remind yourself to be grateful for the things you have. And outward appearances don’t tell the whole story.

I think you're being too harsh on yourself .. if you're feeling this way do something about it but do it for you start some gym classes meet new people start looking at yourself through different eyes see your hubby's sis as someone who inspires things you like about her rather than making comparisons and remember boys are boys they do fall out get boisterous my two did.. my grandaughter is a little angel .
Make small changes for you x