Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To say my DS cant keep missing school because the school “cant cope”??

660 replies

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 13:19

Sorry this is long and probably doesnt make much sense but i am so fed up and dont really know if im being unreasonable anymore.

I have 2 boys, 12 and 9, both have additional needs although they are very different. DS2 has always been harder in school but usually he manages and we have never had anything like this before. Since going back this September he has apparently been having what they call explosive behaviour and he has now been sent home several times. One day they rang me before lunch and said i needed to collect him because he wasnt able to calm down and they didnt have the staff to keep him safe.

I did collect him because what else can i do, but then its happening again and again. Yesterday they rang and said basically they cant meet his needs at the moment. I said well what does that actually mean because he is supposed to be in school and not sitting at home with me because you dont have enough staff.

They keep saying they are not excluding him and that its a “temporary arrangement” while they look at what support he needs. Sorry but if my child is being told to stay at home because school cant cope with him, what exactly do they think an exclusion is??

I have asked about his support plan and whether they have actually done everything that is in it and i get lots of meetings and people saying they are concerned but nobody seems to actually have an answer. I dont want to keep having arguments with the school because obviously DS has to go there and i dont want things getting worse for him, but i also cant just accept him being kept home every time he has a meltdown.

DH thinks im making this harder than it needs to be and says we should look at specialist provision. I know he might be right but i dont want DS2 being put somewhere just because his current school doesnt want the bother. His brother is at the same school and they are very close, and DS2 already feels different enough without being taken away and told he needs a special school.

And before anyone says we should just pay for extra help, we actually do. Between therapy, assessments, things for school, transport and other bits we are spending over £2,000 a month at the moment. Yes i know thats a lot. We arent sitting on a pile of money, it is coming out of our savings and some of the things are because we have been told to get them privately because waiting lists are ridiculous. Im not saying that means the school owes us anything, just that its frustrating to constantly be told to get more support when we are already trying everything we can.

I am not pretending DS is easy. He can be very difficult when he is overwhelmed and i know the other children need to be safe too. But surely the answer cant just be send him home until he behaves normally? He cant learn how to manage school if he isnt actually allowed to be at school.

DH says im refusing to accept that he needs specialist help and maybe i am. I just feel like once we go down that road thats it, he gets labelled and everyone gives up trying to make mainstream work.

So AIBU to be pushing back on this and saying they cant keep sending him home because they “cant cope”? Or am i the one refusing to accept reality here?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
OneShyQuail · 12/09/2026 14:14

Jacobator · 11/09/2026 15:15

I know what youre saying but i dont think its as simple as just saying mainstream isnt right for him. He has been in mainstream all this time and he has managed. Its only since September that this has suddenly become such a massive problem.

My older DS has additional needs as well and the school have been very good with him, so its not like ive always thought the school are useless. They have supported him and made adjustments and he is doing fine there. DS2 has always needed more support but we have never had this level of problems before.

And yes he has a new teacher. I dont know if that is relevant or not but i do think it is a bit strange that he was managing before the summer and now after a few days back he is being sent home. The new teacher is much stricter with him from what DS has told me and he keeps saying she doesnt understand when he is getting overwhelmed.

I dont think its fair to say the other children are all scared of him either. There has been one chair thrown and a table pushed over, its not like he is attacking children every day. Obviously it could have hurt someone and i am not making excuses for that, but people are making it sound much worse than it actually is.

DH has always been more in favour of specialist school than me. He thinks if somewhere else has more staff and is set up for children like DS then why wouldnt we use it. But then he isnt the one having to explain it all to DS and his brother either. DS2 already knows he is different and i dont want him thinking hes being sent away because hes bad.

I have looked at specialist schools and there arent loads near us anyway. Its not like there is a lovely school down the road with a place waiting for him. Some of them would mean a long journey and completely changing everything.

I also dont think i should just stop questioning the school because they say they cant cope. If they genuinely think his needs cant be met then surely they should be able to explain exactly what they have tried and what they think he needs instead. At the moment its just phone calls saying he needs collecting and then another meeting.

Show quote history

I am late to this party, but sorry to say, you are being very blind here.

I can give you 2 perspectives:

  1. I work in an AP, specialised provision for SEN and behavioural issues, I have been a teacher and head of department for 18+ years. Your son clearly needs more support. It is irrelevant that he has "managed" before. Needs change. If the school really cannot meet his needs it is not an unlawful exclusion. They will need to demonstrate that they cant.
It really might boil down to not enough staff. You make is sound ridiculous but it isnt easy to recruit trained staff, funding takes time to cone through if his needs have changed, so they cannot just get another member of staff.
  1. My daughter spent 3 years of her school life (R, y1 and Y2) with a child who couldnt manage in mainstream. What started as tipping a chair, led to tipping all the pencils off every table, kicking children in the line, and escalated to a point that the whole class had to leave the classroom, missing hours of learning because he was destroying their classroom and their work. He ripped up my daughters books when he sat on her table, he took his anger and frustration out on her, told her she was stupid and naughty, tipped pencil sharpenings into her drink, wherever they moved him to he tormented and hurt (emotionally or physically) the children around him. My daughter knows of my job, she is tolerant and understands about different needs. But why should she and her classmates have to put up with this? She learnt next to nothing in y1. Finally he had a managed move and that was it. By all accounts he is doing much better.

He was unhappy, overwhelmed and not learning either. There are excellent APs and SEN schools out there (I work at one) this is no disrespect to any child who cannot manage at mainstream, I love my job and seeing them thrive, but at what point as a parent do you actually take stock of what is going on here? Find him a specialised provision (not easy and takes time) or a school with more support and resources because this is only going one way and he isnt benefitting from this either. These are formative years, you still have time to get this right, dont leave it too late, like some of the young people who come to us in Y10/y11 😢

Arran2024 · 12/09/2026 14:36

GoldenSandy · 12/09/2026 08:06

The problem is the system can't move quick enough for the demand for special needs provision.

The conversation nobody wants to have is why behaviour has got so bad in SEN kids. Just because a child has special needs doesn't mean there has to be the level of disruption currently in schools. Nobody wants to say it but parents need to take responsibility for some of how their children behave. It's easy to hide behind the label and excuse bad behaviour. I'm certainly not saying that outbursts occasionally can't be avoided but as soon as a child has a diagnosis parents seems to go "well I guess that's that, I can't possibly do anything to manage this."

The pot of money isn't endless and there are so many things which need funding. In an ideal world we would have much smaller classes, more would happen outside so kids can move around, there would be 1:1 teaching for when needed, gifted children would be challenged rather than the focus on just getting everyone up to the minimum. There would be specialist staff in every classroom to support teachers and unlimited quiet corners and rooms with all of the best resources science has to offer.

But there's not. So parents need to ask themselves how they can fill the gap and work with schools rather than expecting teachers to fix it all for them.

I adopted a child who could not cope at school. I gave up work and lost my career because she couldn't cope - spent every moment doing therapeutic activities with her, agree with school that she would only do mornings throughout her entire time in infant school. And still she could not cope. We lived in a local authority with no special needs primary provision (that has now changed) and mainstream with a TA was the only option. She wasn't violent btw. But anywa, I had lots of parents call me up and berate me for stuff - one told me off because she had seen her stomping in puddles in the playground. It was the most stressful period of my life. I was giving it my all and it really pains me to hear people say that parents need to take more responsibility.

GoldenSandy · 12/09/2026 14:54

Arran2024 · 12/09/2026 14:36

I adopted a child who could not cope at school. I gave up work and lost my career because she couldn't cope - spent every moment doing therapeutic activities with her, agree with school that she would only do mornings throughout her entire time in infant school. And still she could not cope. We lived in a local authority with no special needs primary provision (that has now changed) and mainstream with a TA was the only option. She wasn't violent btw. But anywa, I had lots of parents call me up and berate me for stuff - one told me off because she had seen her stomping in puddles in the playground. It was the most stressful period of my life. I was giving it my all and it really pains me to hear people say that parents need to take more responsibility.

Show quote history

Nobody is talking about stomping in puddles. We are talking about regular major disruption, explosive behaviour. Absolutely parents should take responsibility for the behaviour. Who else should?!

Arran2024 · 12/09/2026 15:02

GoldenSandy · 12/09/2026 14:54

Nobody is talking about stomping in puddles. We are talking about regular major disruption, explosive behaviour. Absolutely parents should take responsibility for the behaviour. Who else should?!

Show quote history

She was splashing other children so i think that we are absolutely talking about splashing in puddles.

My point is, what would you have a parent like me do in the circumstances?

Phineyj · 12/09/2026 15:10

OneShyQuail · 12/09/2026 14:14

I am late to this party, but sorry to say, you are being very blind here.

I can give you 2 perspectives:

  1. I work in an AP, specialised provision for SEN and behavioural issues, I have been a teacher and head of department for 18+ years. Your son clearly needs more support. It is irrelevant that he has "managed" before. Needs change. If the school really cannot meet his needs it is not an unlawful exclusion. They will need to demonstrate that they cant.
It really might boil down to not enough staff. You make is sound ridiculous but it isnt easy to recruit trained staff, funding takes time to cone through if his needs have changed, so they cannot just get another member of staff.
  1. My daughter spent 3 years of her school life (R, y1 and Y2) with a child who couldnt manage in mainstream. What started as tipping a chair, led to tipping all the pencils off every table, kicking children in the line, and escalated to a point that the whole class had to leave the classroom, missing hours of learning because he was destroying their classroom and their work. He ripped up my daughters books when he sat on her table, he took his anger and frustration out on her, told her she was stupid and naughty, tipped pencil sharpenings into her drink, wherever they moved him to he tormented and hurt (emotionally or physically) the children around him. My daughter knows of my job, she is tolerant and understands about different needs. But why should she and her classmates have to put up with this? She learnt next to nothing in y1. Finally he had a managed move and that was it. By all accounts he is doing much better.

He was unhappy, overwhelmed and not learning either. There are excellent APs and SEN schools out there (I work at one) this is no disrespect to any child who cannot manage at mainstream, I love my job and seeing them thrive, but at what point as a parent do you actually take stock of what is going on here? Find him a specialised provision (not easy and takes time) or a school with more support and resources because this is only going one way and he isnt benefitting from this either. These are formative years, you still have time to get this right, dont leave it too late, like some of the young people who come to us in Y10/y11 😢

Show quote history

I think this would be reasonable if this situation had developed over weeks and months but actually it is a child who was managing until late July. He won't have morphed into someone else in less than two weeks.

There is also no indication from the OP's posts that the behaviour has been directed at other children.

roaringdragon · 12/09/2026 15:12

It is an unlawful exclusion if the school does not follow the correct process. Also, as per the guidance, the school should not suspend/exclude just because they can’t meet needs.

TheKeatingFive · 12/09/2026 15:33

roaringdragon · 12/09/2026 15:12

It is an unlawful exclusion if the school does not follow the correct process. Also, as per the guidance, the school should not suspend/exclude just because they can’t meet needs.

Genuine question as this is not something I know anything about …

But if they can’t meet needs, what exactly are they supposed to do? Surely they are letting all the children down then?

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 15:40

TheKeatingFive · 12/09/2026 15:33

Genuine question as this is not something I know anything about …

But if they can’t meet needs, what exactly are they supposed to do? Surely they are letting all the children down then?

Show quote history

Follow the correct process with the correct paperwork.

TheKeatingFive · 12/09/2026 15:41

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 15:40

Follow the correct process with the correct paperwork.

Show quote history

But if they can’t meet needs then surely the child in question (and possibly the rest of the class) are being put in danger?

roaringdragon · 12/09/2026 15:44

TheKeatingFive · 12/09/2026 15:33

Genuine question as this is not something I know anything about …

But if they can’t meet needs, what exactly are they supposed to do? Surely they are letting all the children down then?

Show quote history

They should request an early review of the EHCP. They should provide the provision already set out in the EHCP that the OP says isn’t being provided. They could put some of the other ideas suggested on this thread to support DS into action - not all require further staff/funding. They could ask outside agencies for support/advice. They could request high needs top up funding or more if already on receipt of it. They could look at AP if necessary. If the school wants to go down the suspension &/or permanent exclusion route, they should follow the suspension and exclusion guidance rather than informally exclude. I quoted part of it earlier in the thread, so have some others. I think someone also linked to it too if you want to read it - if not, it is available on the government’s website.

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 15:46

TheKeatingFive · 12/09/2026 15:41

But if they can’t meet needs then surely the child in question (and possibly the rest of the class) are being put in danger?

Show quote history

and the correct process would be making sure they have done everything they possibly can to meet the child's needs and if this isn't possible then they need to do the paperwork for suspension and then send the child home.

This could then also be used as evidence for school to show the LA that they can't meet needs if that is the case.

Binnyforthewin · 12/09/2026 15:52

GoldenSandy · 12/09/2026 14:54

Nobody is talking about stomping in puddles. We are talking about regular major disruption, explosive behaviour. Absolutely parents should take responsibility for the behaviour. Who else should?!

Show quote history

You fail to understand the nature of autistic dysregulation. Do you blame the parents of the child in a wheelchair because they failed to birth him with legs?

Therapeutic70 · 12/09/2026 16:26

Speak to IPSEA

cityliving99 · 12/09/2026 16:53

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 15:40

Follow the correct process with the correct paperwork.

Show quote history

How is that going to protect the other children, at that moment in time?

Phineyj · 12/09/2026 16:56

cityliving99 · 12/09/2026 16:53

How is that going to protect the other children, at that moment in time?

Show quote history

It's not really helpful at all to keep berating the OP to take responsibility for the other children. They're not her children.

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 16:57

cityliving99 · 12/09/2026 16:53

How is that going to protect the other children, at that moment in time?

Show quote history

By using the necessary paperwork to legally suspend or exclude a child if they feel they can't meet needs and have tried everything they possibly and reasonably can.

Schools need to follow the law. OP is also rightly going to focus on her own child.

ByRealLemonFox · 12/09/2026 18:12

The school cannot meet your sons needs. You are putting him through unnecessary stress and anxiety by trying to keep him in a school that cannot have him and its not fair on him. You need to look for an alternative and if this is a specialist school that can keep him safe and calm then you do it. Ive had a school not meet my sons needs and moving him was the best thing ever.

ednakenneth · 12/09/2026 18:26

This happened to my son several years ago. ( He's now 23) He went to school for a whole academic year for one of the day slowly building it up to the lunchtime.
This was to get the school time and all the specialists to make an assessment of his needs. He did eventually get an ehcp which was a good send and he got a teaching assistant for most part of the day.
As it was stressful for me as I had his sister to care for as well I look back at it and see it was all worth it.
He eventually got his diagnosis of being on the autistic spectrum and he got the appropriate help he needed.
Going to support groups which I did for several years showed me there were other families facing the same trauma and some were even worse than me.
It takes a toll on your mental health but you do get through it with support.
I wouldn't have changed it as he got to a place when he got to year 5 he didn't need the constant help from a teaching assistant and he achieved great results.
Work with the school and don't fight them. It doesn't help you or your child in the long run.
They have to look out for the other kids as well as yours.

Cardisncocktails · 12/09/2026 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Greenismyfavouritecolournow · 12/09/2026 18:31

He needs a specialist school. The school are telling you they cannot cope with him. Listen to him. If he is so distressed then he’s better with you at home ? I would research home education and home educating co ops.

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 18:37

Greenismyfavouritecolournow · 12/09/2026 18:31

He needs a specialist school. The school are telling you they cannot cope with him. Listen to him. If he is so distressed then he’s better with you at home ? I would research home education and home educating co ops.

If he needs a specialist school, the worst thing OP could do is to take him out of school and home educate him because it would wash the LA of their legal responsibility to get him a specialist place. She needs to keep him in school and if school can't meet his needs, they need to be telling the LA and building evidence to support it.

Arran2024 · 12/09/2026 18:42

Kirbert2 · 12/09/2026 18:37

If he needs a specialist school, the worst thing OP could do is to take him out of school and home educate him because it would wash the LA of their legal responsibility to get him a specialist place. She needs to keep him in school and if school can't meet his needs, they need to be telling the LA and building evidence to support it.

Show quote history

This!!!

cowandplough · 12/09/2026 18:49

If he is flagged as "special needs" the school will be getting funding for him
Ask where that is going obviously not to him.

Favouritefruits · 12/09/2026 18:55

I understand people who say ‘put him in a special school’ are trying to be helpful but it’s really not as simple as that, if it was great! Last year the council where I am had just 8 places for ‘special’ school. The chances of the OPs child getting one is so slim.

Phineyj · 12/09/2026 19:03

Greenismyfavouritecolournow · 12/09/2026 18:31

He needs a specialist school. The school are telling you they cannot cope with him. Listen to him. If he is so distressed then he’s better with you at home ? I would research home education and home educating co ops.

Perhaps she and her husband need to earn a living?

Swipe left for the next trending thread