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AIBU?

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Childcare woes

157 replies

Oldandtirednow · 11/09/2026 08:22

This is not so much of a AIBU; rather WWYD?
My son has two children. One was 2 in July and the other was born in August. So very much a new born.
Partner comes from wealthy background. Has had to fight for nothing. Privately educated but who still cannot get a job that she can support herself.

they are currently living in my sons house. She used to live in a flat that her parents owned.
He has a very well paid job. £250+. So money not tight.
they live about 3 hours away.
I am spending way too much time there and am exhausted, as well as having no life of my own because she “cannot cope” with two of them on her own.
he does nearly all the childcare and all of the housework and cooking.

he Wfh and she regularly interrupts him to do childcare if I am not there.
Part of me wants to tell them just to get on with it. But I know if I am not there he will be taking time off for childcare plus housework, which may mean he loses his job.
they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.
I know it is none of my business how they run their lives. But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off. I am also exhausted with it all. I seem to have no life of my own.
despite all of this, I really like her. She is friendly, personable and good company. Just USELESS.
just ranting really and looking for advice.

OP posts:
Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 17:46

WhatNoRaisins · 18/09/2026 17:44

I'm trying to understand why you feel that you can't say no to them despite being so exhausted.

Perhaps it is because DIL is struggling, and I don’t want that?
I thought that might be obvious.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/09/2026 17:51

I mean on the one hand you are saying you can't cope but then on the other hand you are choosing to keep doing this.

Don't you worry that you are keeping your DIL like this by not giving them a chance to create their own routine with the nanny?

Ohnobackagain · 18/09/2026 18:10

@Oldandtirednow they are both adults and I think you would benefit from stepping back. Your son needs to work things out with his wife. They will muddle through, it is early days with the second being so young.

FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 18:19

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 17:39

I think I have answered it properly. But if you need it spelling out. Then of course I was asked.
I am hoping to have too much time on my hands in two weeks.

but for now I am still there.

Why do you still need to be there now that the nanny has started?

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 18:43

FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 18:19

Why do you still need to be there now that the nanny has started?

Because the nanny isn’t there after 6.
Because the nanny isn’t there at the weekend. (Both of those are under review and they might need someone at night or in the evening in case he has to work past 5pm. She cannot cope with 2 on her own)
Because my son has to go away for a night next week.
And just in case you need it clarifying. …
Because she asked me.

OP posts:
FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 18:46

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 18:43

Because the nanny isn’t there after 6.
Because the nanny isn’t there at the weekend. (Both of those are under review and they might need someone at night or in the evening in case he has to work past 5pm. She cannot cope with 2 on her own)
Because my son has to go away for a night next week.
And just in case you need it clarifying. …
Because she asked me.

So it isnt her you are helping. You are doing your sons part. For goodness sake. Why isnt he there in the evenings and on the weekend?
You're cross with the wrong person...

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 18:49

I do realise I am not speaking kindly of DIL. However, I regard her as part of my family and will not speak ill of her in real life as I do not want anyone either I know, or she knows, to think badly of her. Although I I know they probably do, I am not going to fan the flames.

This is the reason I came here anonymously.
I also realise I am enabling this behaviour, and this is why I am so conflicted. Do I go when they ask? Do I say no? It is very difficult.
I am pleased they have a nanny now and the situation will hopefully improve.

OP posts:
lola006 · 18/09/2026 18:52

OP, I can read your frustration clearly in your comments so I’m trying to be empathetic. I also spent 13 years doing primary school runs and saw how many grandparents were doing a big chunk of parenting.

What happens if/when you genuinely can’t do what you’re currently doing, be in illness, a freak accident, etc. At some point they simply won’t have you. What is their plan then? Have they thought about that?

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 18:54

FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 18:46

So it isnt her you are helping. You are doing your sons part. For goodness sake. Why isnt he there in the evenings and on the weekend?
You're cross with the wrong person...

You really have a bee in your bonnet don’t you?

He does everything when he gets home. Everything.

Obviously I am doing it for my son. Who wouldn’t for goodness sakes?
She went to her sisters for coffee today whilst I was with the nanny. Then went off to a Pilates class.
Tomorrow she is meeting a friend.
I am irritated with my son for not putting his foot down and also enabling this.

OP posts:
Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 18:56

lola006 · 18/09/2026 18:52

OP, I can read your frustration clearly in your comments so I’m trying to be empathetic. I also spent 13 years doing primary school runs and saw how many grandparents were doing a big chunk of parenting.

What happens if/when you genuinely can’t do what you’re currently doing, be in illness, a freak accident, etc. At some point they simply won’t have you. What is their plan then? Have they thought about that?

I think this often. Hopefully the nanny will help.

OP posts:
FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 19:24

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 18:54

You really have a bee in your bonnet don’t you?

He does everything when he gets home. Everything.

Obviously I am doing it for my son. Who wouldn’t for goodness sakes?
She went to her sisters for coffee today whilst I was with the nanny. Then went off to a Pilates class.
Tomorrow she is meeting a friend.
I am irritated with my son for not putting his foot down and also enabling this.

It is rather irritating you banging on about how she cannot cope. But she is not a single parent. You shouldn't need to be there at all evenings and weekends because he should be present and engaged.
He's paid for a nanny. I'm 100% the nanny can cope without you around. In fact I am 100% sure she would prefer you weren't around. You're being a martyr for the sake of it and pointing fingers in the wrong direction.
New mothers with rich partners should absolutely be able to have a couple of hours off if they want to - that's the joy of money.

dcadmamagain · 18/09/2026 19:33

Have you tried talking to your DIL and dropping into conversation that your son is taking too much time off work and he needs to be careful. Maybe frane it as suggesting nursery drop off. Is at 8 - tgen he’ll get breakfast as nursery do cuts breakfast time at home etc then your son can get to work earlier.

hiw often is he in office /wfh. Can he increase time in office. She needs to have time with at least one child on her own.

tiu Sound like a very caring mother and MIL

Gemilo · 18/09/2026 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:34

FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 19:24

It is rather irritating you banging on about how she cannot cope. But she is not a single parent. You shouldn't need to be there at all evenings and weekends because he should be present and engaged.
He's paid for a nanny. I'm 100% the nanny can cope without you around. In fact I am 100% sure she would prefer you weren't around. You're being a martyr for the sake of it and pointing fingers in the wrong direction.
New mothers with rich partners should absolutely be able to have a couple of hours off if they want to - that's the joy of money.

if this is irritating you, then you are way too invested in a stranger from the internet.

You need to look around you and decide why people in your life are not listening to you.

Now I am sure you would like the last word. So I well let you …..

OP posts:
Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why? Because I am worried about their ability to cope if I have an accident?
i genuinely do not understand why that makes me a “nasty piece of work”

OP posts:
BirthdayTrash · 18/09/2026 19:46

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:37

Why? Because I am worried about their ability to cope if I have an accident?
i genuinely do not understand why that makes me a “nasty piece of work”

You could be hit by a bus tomorrow and they would just have to get on with it.

Your poor baby having to do things when he gets home from work for his wife and the two children he has brought into the world. Life is just so unfair.

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:48

dcadmamagain · 18/09/2026 19:33

Have you tried talking to your DIL and dropping into conversation that your son is taking too much time off work and he needs to be careful. Maybe frane it as suggesting nursery drop off. Is at 8 - tgen he’ll get breakfast as nursery do cuts breakfast time at home etc then your son can get to work earlier.

hiw often is he in office /wfh. Can he increase time in office. She needs to have time with at least one child on her own.

tiu Sound like a very caring mother and MIL

There are loads of suggestions on here that I have thought of myself. Some I have tried to suggest. However, I really do not want to give uncalled for advice. Nor do I want to help “with strings attached”.
Quite honestly, it is so difficult. I hate seeing them struggle. On the other hand there is so much they could do. You just have to bite your tongue sometimes.

I am hoping things improve with the nanny.
the housekeeper comes in at least 5 days a week. She also makes meals or they order stuff.
so fingers crossed things improve.

OP posts:
Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:50

BirthdayTrash · 18/09/2026 19:46

You could be hit by a bus tomorrow and they would just have to get on with it.

Your poor baby having to do things when he gets home from work for his wife and the two children he has brought into the world. Life is just so unfair.

No. Still don’t understand why I am a “nasty piece of work”

OP posts:
Gemilo · 18/09/2026 19:54

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:37

Why? Because I am worried about their ability to cope if I have an accident?
i genuinely do not understand why that makes me a “nasty piece of work”

Let’s see. You refer to her as living in your son’s house. They have two children. Surely it is her house too?

You say it’s a marriage of convenience. Is it? Or is that just your jealous opinion.
she clearly has post natal depression (or post natal exhaustion as you condescendingly call it). So glad I didn’t have a judgemental mother in law like you when I was suffering this debilitating illness.
I suggest you take a step back. I’m sure they will cope without your interfering ways.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/09/2026 19:55

I don’t vote as on the app so hard to

PressTheSwitch · 18/09/2026 19:56

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:48

There are loads of suggestions on here that I have thought of myself. Some I have tried to suggest. However, I really do not want to give uncalled for advice. Nor do I want to help “with strings attached”.
Quite honestly, it is so difficult. I hate seeing them struggle. On the other hand there is so much they could do. You just have to bite your tongue sometimes.

I am hoping things improve with the nanny.
the housekeeper comes in at least 5 days a week. She also makes meals or they order stuff.
so fingers crossed things improve.

Are you sure she can’t cope, she may just not want to do the donkey work?

Why not have the hired help (they have the money) and you, plus her H when he can. It’s what most mothers would like tbh - as much help as possible.

FirmSnake · 18/09/2026 19:59

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 19:48

There are loads of suggestions on here that I have thought of myself. Some I have tried to suggest. However, I really do not want to give uncalled for advice. Nor do I want to help “with strings attached”.
Quite honestly, it is so difficult. I hate seeing them struggle. On the other hand there is so much they could do. You just have to bite your tongue sometimes.

I am hoping things improve with the nanny.
the housekeeper comes in at least 5 days a week. She also makes meals or they order stuff.
so fingers crossed things improve.

So there's mum, dad, nanny, housekeeper and oldest goes to nursery? What on earth could there possibly be left for you to do?

You're just a bored rich lady looking for problems 🤣

Oldandtirednow · 18/09/2026 20:04

Gemilo · 18/09/2026 19:54

Let’s see. You refer to her as living in your son’s house. They have two children. Surely it is her house too?

You say it’s a marriage of convenience. Is it? Or is that just your jealous opinion.
she clearly has post natal depression (or post natal exhaustion as you condescendingly call it). So glad I didn’t have a judgemental mother in law like you when I was suffering this debilitating illness.
I suggest you take a step back. I’m sure they will cope without your interfering ways.

You still haven’t said why me being worried makes me a nasty piece of work.
Perhaps I should have said that my son bought the house before he met her. Is that better for you.

if you read my other posts, you will see that she has been seen by both midwives and doctors who do not believe she has pnd. Some of the appointments she has asked me to accompany her to. Nevertheless, based solely from my posts, you believe she is suffering from this. Could I suggest that you make yourself available to the NHS? They would save a fortune training doctors and midwives. They only need you to read posts like this. You are exactly what the nhs needs.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/09/2026 20:06

OP from what you say about this woman she sounds troubled. It may be that no matter how much of yourself you give you won't be able to alleviate her completely. I wonder if that's what you need to come to terms with.

Northernlights19 · 18/09/2026 20:16

Supports her because she earns next to nothing. What are you wanting her to earn when she's just given birth? Genuinely?

she does nothing when he is not working. nothing. Who looks after the newborn? And who looks after the toddler when not at nursery?

Also, if they are married, surely the house is also hers regardless of who purchased it when? Wouldn't it be a marital asset?

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