Childcare woes

You clearly don’t think she is good enough for your high flying son. The way you talk about her is horrible.

Has your son actually complained about it? Maybe they have an agreement that he does the bulk of the parenting because he wanted children more.

@Oldandtirednow You said in your very first post that this wasn’t really an AIBU but a WWYD, and you haven’t posed an AIBU question in that post that i can see, and so I wouldn’t know if a vote was, say:

“AIBU to say I should do less” - YANBU.
“AIBU to be critical of my post-natal DIL” - YABU.

You say that your son enables her in one post and in the next post you say that whilst you are there “showing the nanny the ropes” DIL is at coffee and Pilates with her sister.

Um, who was the enabler there?

(also I hope DIL has had her six week check before heading to a Pilates class)

OP, you don’t have to do any of this. 2 under 2 is a shock to the system but she can cope on her own. The vast majority of women do with far less help than your DIL is receiving. She’ll be fine once she’s had a bit of practice (not saying it’s easy but she will learn tricks and ways to cope). You need to work out what help you would be happy and willing to offer and make that clear to them both. Everything else is for both of them to figure out, and they will, while making mistakes along the way like the rest of us. Ultimately, you don’t have to run yourself into the ground to support her and your son.

I think some people are giving the OP a very hard time when she’s only trying to help. I don’t think OP is saying her son shouldn’t be helping when he finishes work but more if she isn’t there to assist then his job is at risk as he’s having to help with his DC when he’s suppose to be wfh. How many employers will sit back and say yep that’s fine he’s not available his wife is struggling with two DC but we will still pay him £250k whilst he cares for them all day? Hopefully it will get better now there is a nanny. Two DC so close together is so tough but they must have known what they were getting into after the first to some extent.

So why do you feel like you have to spend half your time there?

I'm so confused - your son is a very high earner and pays for help, so why not leave them to it?

It doesn't sound like he's asking for help, it sounds like you're being overbearing and have decided they need help.

Two under two is brutal.

Personally I found it a lot harder on the days DH wfh than his office days.

Supports her because she earns next to nothing. What are you wanting her to earn when she's just given birth? Genuinely?

she does nothing when he is not working. nothing. Who looks after the newborn? And who looks after the toddler when not at nursery?

Also, if they are married, surely the house is also hers regardless of who purchased it when? Wouldn't it be a marital asset?

OP from what you say about this woman she sounds troubled. It may be that no matter how much of yourself you give you won't be able to alleviate her completely. I wonder if that's what you need to come to terms with.

So there's mum, dad, nanny, housekeeper and oldest goes to nursery? What on earth could there possibly be left for you to do?

You're just a bored rich lady looking for problems 🤣

Are you sure she can’t cope, she may just not want to do the donkey work?

Why not have the hired help (they have the money) and you, plus her H when he can. It’s what most mothers would like tbh - as much help as possible.

I don’t vote as on the app so hard to

Let’s see. You refer to her as living in your son’s house. They have two children. Surely it is her house too?

You say it’s a marriage of convenience. Is it? Or is that just your jealous opinion.
she clearly has post natal depression (or post natal exhaustion as you condescendingly call it). So glad I didn’t have a judgemental mother in law like you when I was suffering this debilitating illness.
I suggest you take a step back. I’m sure they will cope without your interfering ways.

You could be hit by a bus tomorrow and they would just have to get on with it.

Your poor baby having to do things when he gets home from work for his wife and the two children he has brought into the world. Life is just so unfair.

Have you tried talking to your DIL and dropping into conversation that your son is taking too much time off work and he needs to be careful. Maybe frane it as suggesting nursery drop off. Is at 8 - tgen he’ll get breakfast as nursery do cuts breakfast time at home etc then your son can get to work earlier.

hiw often is he in office /wfh. Can he increase time in office. She needs to have time with at least one child on her own.

tiu Sound like a very caring mother and MIL

It is rather irritating you banging on about how she cannot cope. But she is not a single parent. You shouldn't need to be there at all evenings and weekends because he should be present and engaged.
He's paid for a nanny. I'm 100% the nanny can cope without you around. In fact I am 100% sure she would prefer you weren't around. You're being a martyr for the sake of it and pointing fingers in the wrong direction.
New mothers with rich partners should absolutely be able to have a couple of hours off if they want to - that's the joy of money.

OP, I can read your frustration clearly in your comments so I’m trying to be empathetic. I also spent 13 years doing primary school runs and saw how many grandparents were doing a big chunk of parenting.

What happens if/when you genuinely can’t do what you’re currently doing, be in illness, a freak accident, etc. At some point they simply won’t have you. What is their plan then? Have they thought about that?