Pregnant with my ex's baby, he thinks I'm trying to trap him

I personally dont think it’s fair to have a baby when one parent doesn’t want that child.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, just leave him be and focus on you and your baby. You can’t make him be involved and honestly it’s easier for everyone if he’s not compared to him being difficult. I would ensure you locate to where you want to raise your child before it’s born as he will be able to prevent you moving (within countries and certainly to other countries) if he wants to.

P.s. I was a lone parent and my DS is the most wonderful thing in the world, I wouldn’t change him for the world and the fact his dad isn’t in his life is deeply sad but doesn’t prevent him having a fantastic life. You sound like you can easily provide for your child and I would focus on the child and not the idiot who wants to be a sperm donor but not a father.

You just need to focus on now. I wouldnt pursue a relationship with him even if he's offering one. Id keep things as civil as possible. Id only communicate via text.

Its up to you if you want to invite him to scans or not. Ultimately, they are your medical procedures.

If he wants to be involved great. If not 🤷‍♀️. You cant worry about 3 years down the road. No one is going to give him 50: 50 from nothing. He'd need to build up to it.

On another note. Id give them baby your surname. You arent married or in a relationship.

You might get lucky and he’ll just disappear and have nothing to do with his child; or he might decide to stay just involved enough to control and restrict enough elements of your life through sharing a child, without being much of a real co-parent. You won’t get to choose which, so getting comfortable with the idea of the latter is something you’ll need to really think about. You want the baby, so just try and look at his you might take each step as it came.

You’re able to do this alone financially, and of course you don’t have name him on the birth certificate, which I think may help if you didn’t want him involved (but someone will no doubt tell you either way how that actually works).

I think 2 parents are important, totally appreciate this is just my view, based on conversations with friends who only had Mum around mostly when growing up.

I think only you know how it would work, so only you can make a decision. It’s not easy bringing a child into this world, even with a supportive partner. Although if he’s acting like this now, then you’d be better off on your own from day one, rather than him letting you and your child down.

Does he automatically gain rights when the baby is born under Spanish Law or would you have to do anything to give those to him? Could it be better to give birth in the Netherlands as a result?

You don't want to find him exerting control over where you live, where you work, where your child attends school, etc, for the next 18 years, so find out the legal positions in each country now.

You don’t need him. Focus on you and your baby. Best of luck.

You’ve got the funds. You want the baby. You’re happy to do it alone.

Fine. Probably don’t marry him though even if he offers as you “baby trapping” him will
always be his thing. Just be a happy single mum and he can be whatever type of dad he can be bothered to be.

If he won’t go with you to register the birth, you can’t put him on the birth certificate. He then, pretty much, loses his rights.

Very sad start all around.
I think OP's partner deserves a say and frank discussion needed.
Babies do better with 2 parents and there are distinct disadvantages for all in single parenthood.
Just because OP can financially afford a baby in itself doesn't make it OK.

Well, yes he may come back wanting to be involved. That kind of thing would make me not want to choose to be a single parent with a bloke in the background. It's worth considering. Don't have a baby if you aren't prepared for that to happen.
Presumably your income is going to drop significantly while you're pregnant and the baby is little. Also worth thinking about.
A lot to consider. Not sure I'd do it.

This. Some of the posters on here are advising you based on U.K. law which may differ from Spain’s. You may need to think about having the baby in the country you intend to be living in long-term.

Well then he can step up and parent the child.

The ops decided she doesn’t want an abortion and there is no seemingly good reason for her to have one other than he might not want the child.

The ops decided can do it alone. No mental health issues. No immigration issues or anything. Has a job and stable life. No other children to worry about the effects on.

Really? Read some of the posts on MN about husbands/fathers and you might change your mind about that!

Years ago, I would have agreed with you, but then my DP became terminally ill and died while our child was still in infant school, so I ended up a lone parent unintentionally. There are definitely worse things in life.

There are things to take into consideration, though - the impact on your finances and whether either or both careers will be viable, not only with a baby (the nursery years are incredibly easy), but once you have a school aged child; whether you have other support, how you will navigate things if your ex suddenly wants input or his parents want access.

Exciting. You'll be responsible for the baby and it's life without a man interfering. It's lucky you're financially stable so the baby will get everything that other children get. Well done, have fun, and enjoy your new life 😁

There's certainly a risk he'll come back after the baby years and try to muscle his way back in. What tends to happen, legally, in Spain in those situations? There isn't much you can do about it if you are determined to have this baby, though. Abort and getting pregnant via a sperm donor would, I think, be the only way to avoid this risk and that seems extreme? So I think educating yourself on the law and what courts generally support, and what makes a difference (both according to the letter of the law and in practice). E.g. what's the impact of putting him on the birth certificate? Or claiming child support? So you can protect yourself as much as possible and be ready if he does try to do that. But generally, don't worry about it and just make the best life you can. Things always change, you can lay your life out in stone, you need to be flexible.

I had a similar experience at 26. Found out I was unexpectedly pregnant (failed contraception). The ex DP ran a mile & then some.
Luckily I had already managed to buy my first home & had a good job, so raised my DD on my own until she was 7 when my now DH moved in with us.
In all honesty I feel it was easier than having a DP to be reliant on (whether that be financial, emotional or physical). I had a great support network around me who really stepped up for us both.
My DD had all the same advantages as her friends, did well at school & university and is now working in her dream career.
Best of luck for your future, your DC can have a great life without an involved DF and so can you x

You sound like you have it all figured out and want to go ahead with the pregnancy. Good for you. You need to concentrate on you and your baby and to enjoy the whole experience without extra stress.
You did him the courtesy of letting him know, he has rejected you and the baby so the ball is in his court. Don't contact him again as he is obviously expecting you to. Don't play his games.
Wishing you all the best.

Kindly, will you still be earning the same amount once you’ve had baby? Given that part of your salary comes from your appearance, is there a risk of significant salary drop if that no longer works out?

I’ve friends with young kids in Madrid and they say the childcare is cheap and ample, so you won’t have that problem at least!

do you have good support networks around you otherwise? Close friends and family tou can call on through pregnancy and early years?

You are over complicating things. You should never feel you have to justify keeping a baby. Babies aren’t disposable commodities. Abortion isn’t an incidental thing.

Your (ex) boyfriend may be walking away from the only woman who will ever love him unconditionally as you do, but you are right not to pursue him. He appears to have issues. Commitment / trust / control? His family money seems to be holding him back. What a sad way to be!

Definitely explore the legal side of things in light of where you want your future to be.

Can he legally stop you moving country for example once the baby is born?

If he insists on being on the birth certificate, what rights will that give him in Spain/Netherlands/his home country?

If his home country is different from yours, can he apply for a passport for the child?

I’m not sure on this, but I think the Netherlands is one of the countries where dual citizenship/two passports is not allowed?

Will you have to ask for permission and have a notarised letter every time you wish to leave the country (this is the law in Portugal for example, even when you are married to each other, I kid you not)?

Check everything very carefully. Assume that the worst possible outcome will actually happen - are you ok with that outcome?

But surely by that logic, it is also unfair to expect someone to end a wanted pregnancy? I don’t think situations like this ever have a fair outcome.

He left that choice a bit late didn’t he after he impregnated her