Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

288 replies

TheSereneBird · 08/09/2026 07:00

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSereneBird · 14/09/2026 15:28

We support him with everything. We have not kicked him out we do everything in our power to make it amazing for him at home. Only just now he was eating food from the fridge cooked for him and had his clothes hung out to dry. Its a joke. He doesn't need the money unless he has got himself into trouble he wont tell us about. My gut feeling is he does it becasue he wants to and thinks it is a quick way to make money nad be independent. He is not well

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 14/09/2026 17:11

TheSereneBird · 14/09/2026 15:05

Thanks to everyone for your helpful replies.

I am feeling desperate.

The money and the account is the least of my worries. He went to stay with a friend for a few days and then randomly came home the other morning. I heard him rattling arounf downstairs so once he went up to bed I went to see what he had been doing downstairs. On the ktichen table I find 8 or so small containers with white powder - some were in crystal form and had white powder crushed by it. Just left there. I am sure he didn't mean to leave it but I have an younger child who would have trotted dowsnstairs in the morning and seen it. I hid it and gave it to my husband, We were not sure what it was but assumed it was not a good or legal thing. He's now asking me if I have taken anything from him. I have questioned him and said what exactly do you think I took? Was it some weed? He said no not weed. He has told me now it wsa cocaine. I don't know if that is definitely true or he is trying to wind me up but this has happened once before. Last time, we told him we'd taken it and he was not getting it back. We ended up giving him several hundreds of pounds to pay someone off and he swore he wouldnt get involved again.He has told me he doesnt take it only sells a little bit because he needs money. He said he is in debt. We have bailed him out so many times (usually for large amountd of weed). I feel so scared and have no idea what to do. Obviously we wont be returning it - my DH actually threw it out. I have suggested he spends the time looking for a job if he needs money. He said he is doing that too but its 3pm and he has only just woken up. How the hell do I navigate this?? Who can I turn to for help? I feel desperate.

Edited

You go to the police and try to save him from himself by reporting him.

Fedupq9wu · 14/09/2026 17:45

I am so sorry you are going through this. My son is a little younger than yours, all the same issues apart from the drugs but there's time for that and I wouldnt be surprised.
My dad paid 16k each over the years into junior isa's for my children. We never once thought that this was a mistake. Now son is approaching 18, says he will be moving out then , has no way of supporting himself , very immature and also easy to take advantage of. Worries me sick.

Doctordoolittle · 14/09/2026 22:56

TheSereneBird · 14/09/2026 15:28

We support him with everything. We have not kicked him out we do everything in our power to make it amazing for him at home. Only just now he was eating food from the fridge cooked for him and had his clothes hung out to dry. Its a joke. He doesn't need the money unless he has got himself into trouble he wont tell us about. My gut feeling is he does it becasue he wants to and thinks it is a quick way to make money nad be independent. He is not well

He is dealing class A drugs from your house, and you have another child living with you?

I shudder to think of all the things that could go wrong, including you/your husband/your innocent child being hurt, your house being seriously damaged, the police arresting you for be aware of it and enabling it instead of reporting it, etc.

disgracefullyyours · 14/09/2026 23:02

Call the police now if you haven’t already. This is a really serious safeguarding issue.

Tinkalinkalink · 14/09/2026 23:05

He is a drug dealer you know that don't you - it's hard. Similar situation when I was growing up. Mum stuck her head in the sand my older brother was truly dangerous although sweet as pie to her.

Your son sounds like a sweetheart.
Sweethearts can be drug dealers and drug dealers and a danger to themselves and their families.

I've no wise words except dont be blind to what is right in front of you it won't help you or your family.

Tinkalinkalink · 14/09/2026 23:08

Sorry op - I really apologize I hadnt read your update.

Unfortunately you will get blamed by social services for not protecting your child If you go to them. If you contact the police all hell could break loose. If you tell him you know you will alienate him or maybe your honesty will get him on side and potentially in recovery.

There are hardcore sober coaches that may be able to help that's all I can think of .

In sorry I know it's so hard when you love them so much - but you cannot have drugs in your house or around your younger child. It's seriously dangerous. Take care.

Tinkalinkalink · 14/09/2026 23:47

And also my brother dealt partly because he was kept short by my parents - it didn't work. You may find handing the money to him on the condition he uses it for a house deposit will increase his own sense of self esteem and security, and encourage him to think about a job that could mean he got a mortgage and then agreed to invest it till then.

Winter2020 · 20/09/2026 09:52

I would have thought your son would not have paid for the drugs you have thrown away. He would have expected to pay for them from the money he would have made selling them. So he now owes nasty people money?

I think you are in over your head and should phone the police.
If you don't want to do that I think you will have to pay for those drugs or they will be after your son for their money.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/09/2026 09:59

If he lost drugs he’ll have to pay for them. I would do it for his safety but with very strict expectations for serious change. He has got a taste of what happens in the drug world when things go wrong. They always do. Get out while he can.
It is so difficult, my worst nightmare.
Good kids go bad.
Best of luck. Contact local youth services, SS will not blame you. There is a drug epidemic impacting thousands of families like your family.
I have two friends who are youth leaders. This is normal for them every day.
Crime prevention groups start from ten years old and those children don’t get taken from parents even though they’re usual referrals as high risk or previous minor offenders.

YourRedLurker · 20/09/2026 10:08

Edit, sorry hadn't read the more recent posts.

As others have said it's his money, but personally if it were me I'd transfer it into a bond/similar account so it can't be touched. Technically it's not your money to do that with - but i don't think it could go anywhere really If he accuses you of stealing it.

If he's into drugs and gets hold of that kind of money then best case is it just gets stolen from him. Otherwise he's just going to end up with a much stronger drug addiction and could easily be lost.

Weregoingonabearhuntwegonnafindabear · 20/09/2026 10:18

He is a vunerable adult , is he under any doctor? Social worker? As my vunerable adult would not be able to deal wiith money
appropriatelyso I am his appropiate adult that helps him deal with it . Maybe you need to ask for advice about this ?
Its hard , My other son (Adhd) lost so much money but at nearly 40 has turned a corner .

lincolnsosig · 20/09/2026 17:05

YourRedLurker · 20/09/2026 10:08

Edit, sorry hadn't read the more recent posts.

As others have said it's his money, but personally if it were me I'd transfer it into a bond/similar account so it can't be touched. Technically it's not your money to do that with - but i don't think it could go anywhere really If he accuses you of stealing it.

If he's into drugs and gets hold of that kind of money then best case is it just gets stolen from him. Otherwise he's just going to end up with a much stronger drug addiction and could easily be lost.

Edited

OP cannot transfer the money. It isn’t her money to transfer. She will not be able to access the account to move money.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page