Page 36 | MIL situation after she arrived early

DrivingHomeToYou · 2026-09-08T03:59:13+00:00

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings. She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working. We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning. My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs. How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived. Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

fridaynightzzz · 09/09/2026 12:45

There are a lot of people who don’t believe WFH is real work and you can just stop/take a break whenever you fancy. My friend has had to start leaving her key in the front door as he dad keeps letting himself and walking into meetings, then he’s annoyed friend won’t come out with him etc.
My PIL didn’t even think working in an office was real work and you could just leave whenever you fancied or just be off.

SixtySomething · 09/09/2026 12:59

CreativeGreen · 09/09/2026 12:38

I found the post about 'supporting the underdog' performative, yes.

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I think I m entitled to say you’re wrong’. I believe I’ve made my point quite well, so doubt I’ve anything fu to add.

SandyHappyPerson · 09/09/2026 13:13

DrivingHomeToYou · 09/09/2026 12:28

We had no issue with MIL being early IF she would have just looked after herself and not sent a text complaining after we thought we had a nice afternoon. We were blindsided by the text.

My husband told her to make herself comfortable and help herself to anything she fancies. We have a comfortable home, drinks and food available, a nice garden to sit in. She could have watched tv, used an iPad, read a book or gone for a walk. My husband text me to say she was here early and I quickly replied to say tell her to open the cake on the side as I’d bought it for her visit, I’d be a while and to put her feet up. When the meeting he was on when she arrived ended he told her what I’d said and then went into another meeting. I couldn’t speak to her to welcome face to face her but I sent a message through my husband which was as welcoming as I could be when in a call. I haven’t detailed every little thing as it would take too long. I answered why she had turned up early when I saw a poster ask and we were fine with her being there entertaining herself so it shouldn’t have mattered why she was early and wouldn’t have until she complained.

You say it isn’t clear how effectively the 2.30 thing was communicated but I have said we were clear. We told her to come after 2.30 because we were working til then. Why pretend it’s not clear?

I couldn’t help work overrunning, I’ve explained about the dogs. She was not made to feel unwelcome. My husband made her lunch and they looked to be chatting happily when I joined. I gave her a hug and kiss and said sorry work had overran and chatted about the pain of interviewing. I had been to the supermarket the night before to buy food in especially for her as she has some dietary requirements. We chatted to her, we looked at photos she showed us of some work being done in her house and were interested in what she had to say. We are a welcoming family.

It is you that seems to want to be horrible. I have given an accurate account of what happened adding extra information when asked. I don’t want anyone to say she’s horrible and I certainly don’t think she is. If I did, I would see her and wouldn’t want to sort this out with as little bad feeling as possible.

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I'm not trying to be horrible, but the chorus of what an awful rude MIL she is is deafening on here, and to be honest from everything you have wrote, and from what you are saying now she doesn't seem to be, I can't help trying to put across that there may be more to this than meets the eye.

You don't seem to think it is rude that she turned up early, so that in itself isn't a problem, as people on here are falling over themselves to express how utterly awful it is that she did that.. in your household it isn't, there is a precedent that it isn't and and that's all that matters.

And you haven't mentioned that she is a drama queen or prone to being self absorbed, so surely this seems massively out of character for her? In which case I'd be more concerned than perturbed, my MIL has bouts of sadness every now and again, she doesn't really bring it up, but she seems to come to us more often and wants to spend time with us and our DD, you wouldn't actually know she is sad, but it is the reason she gravitates to us. We're a very welcoming household too and she knows she is always welcome here.

If that is even a small part of her wanting to visit I can 100% understand why she felt upset that everyone was seemingly too busy for her, I know you have explained why, and your explanations are all very valid, but it doesn't align with what she had envisioned and that is what has caused the upset in her mind, she probably shouldn't have voiced it, but she obviously felt it at the time, so was just being honest.

Your FIL pleading not to fall out with them makes it even more concerning IMO.

You seem to be looking at it as a personally slight, and all her own doing, but honestly, if it is out the blue I'd look at it more as something of concern.

Original poster

DrivingHomeToYou · 09/09/2026 13:28

SandyHappyPerson · 09/09/2026 13:13

I'm not trying to be horrible, but the chorus of what an awful rude MIL she is is deafening on here, and to be honest from everything you have wrote, and from what you are saying now she doesn't seem to be, I can't help trying to put across that there may be more to this than meets the eye.

You don't seem to think it is rude that she turned up early, so that in itself isn't a problem, as people on here are falling over themselves to express how utterly awful it is that she did that.. in your household it isn't, there is a precedent that it isn't and and that's all that matters.

And you haven't mentioned that she is a drama queen or prone to being self absorbed, so surely this seems massively out of character for her? In which case I'd be more concerned than perturbed, my MIL has bouts of sadness every now and again, she doesn't really bring it up, but she seems to come to us more often and wants to spend time with us and our DD, you wouldn't actually know she is sad, but it is the reason she gravitates to us. We're a very welcoming household too and she knows she is always welcome here.

If that is even a small part of her wanting to visit I can 100% understand why she felt upset that everyone was seemingly too busy for her, I know you have explained why, and your explanations are all very valid, but it doesn't align with what she had envisioned and that is what has caused the upset in her mind, she probably shouldn't have voiced it, but she obviously felt it at the time, so was just being honest.

Your FIL pleading not to fall out with them makes it even more concerning IMO.

You seem to be looking at it as a personally slight, and all her own doing, but honestly, if it is out the blue I'd look at it more as something of concern.

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There have been other incidents where she has made herself out to be a victim. I haven’t mentioned them because they were dealt with. She likes to be made to feel important. For example, we had a bbq last month and invited everyone on a family WhatsApp group. Everyone responded saying whether they could come or not. She didn’t respond. I text her separately to ask could she make it and she said yes but that she’d been waiting for a proper invite, again saying
‘I wasn’t sure I’d be wanted’. I had put it on the family WhatsApp group and said I was hoping everyone could make it. It’s nothing major but the ‘poor me, I’m not wanted’ thing, so that we have to do extra to include her when she’s already included, does get annoying.

OP posts:

godmum56 · 09/09/2026 13:42

Raptors · 08/09/2026 11:34

Lots of people have also come up with a hundred reasons why this is everyone elses fault and not the MILs. Lots of people saying something doesn't mean they are right.

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this is a great truth

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2026 13:43

DrivingHomeToYou · 09/09/2026 13:28

There have been other incidents where she has made herself out to be a victim. I haven’t mentioned them because they were dealt with. She likes to be made to feel important. For example, we had a bbq last month and invited everyone on a family WhatsApp group. Everyone responded saying whether they could come or not. She didn’t respond. I text her separately to ask could she make it and she said yes but that she’d been waiting for a proper invite, again saying
‘I wasn’t sure I’d be wanted’. I had put it on the family WhatsApp group and said I was hoping everyone could make it. It’s nothing major but the ‘poor me, I’m not wanted’ thing, so that we have to do extra to include her when she’s already included, does get annoying.

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Don't worry, DrivingHomeToYou; to anyone who's experienced the type or read your post about FIL trying to save the situation it was already obvious she'd have form for this

In many ways she's perhaps fortunate to still be able to enjoy a warm welcome when you're able; though it's not something I'd personally advocate in these circumstances some would have cut her off completely

Edited to wonder, when she starts the "poor me I'm not wanted" silliness, if it might be worth asking with a smile why on earth she'd say something so odd?
Making the extra effort is no doubt feeding her need to be first at all times, so maybe a different approach might help?

TheBlueKoala · 09/09/2026 13:46

DrivingHomeToYou · 09/09/2026 13:28

There have been other incidents where she has made herself out to be a victim. I haven’t mentioned them because they were dealt with. She likes to be made to feel important. For example, we had a bbq last month and invited everyone on a family WhatsApp group. Everyone responded saying whether they could come or not. She didn’t respond. I text her separately to ask could she make it and she said yes but that she’d been waiting for a proper invite, again saying
‘I wasn’t sure I’d be wanted’. I had put it on the family WhatsApp group and said I was hoping everyone could make it. It’s nothing major but the ‘poor me, I’m not wanted’ thing, so that we have to do extra to include her when she’s already included, does get annoying.

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You are being way too nice with posters who are just shitstirring. Somehow (maybe they are Mils?) they feel the need to defend your Mil and to them she would get away with murder so don't waste your time on them. It's very clear that none of you had any problem with her arriving early. SHE was the one having a problem with you guys not interrupting your work to tend to the queen even though you had clearly stated that you would finish at 2:30.

NotAtMyAge · 09/09/2026 13:54

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 09/09/2026 10:05

The never worked thing. Grandma in this post was a Grandma at age 45 ish so I’d assume she had her own family very young.

My MiL was 22 when she had her first child, my DH. I was 22 when our DS was born so my MiL was a Grandma at 44, while she was at college training to be a teacher after having been a SAHM while her 3 boys were young. My DM had 4 daughters in 11 years and when the youngest reached school age she trained as a school cook. OP's MiL could have done something like this, but for whatever reason didn't, so has no experience or understanding of the pressures of working life combined with family responsibilities.

iwishitwouldstartraining · 09/09/2026 13:59

DrivingHomeToYou · 09/09/2026 13:28

There have been other incidents where she has made herself out to be a victim. I haven’t mentioned them because they were dealt with. She likes to be made to feel important. For example, we had a bbq last month and invited everyone on a family WhatsApp group. Everyone responded saying whether they could come or not. She didn’t respond. I text her separately to ask could she make it and she said yes but that she’d been waiting for a proper invite, again saying
‘I wasn’t sure I’d be wanted’. I had put it on the family WhatsApp group and said I was hoping everyone could make it. It’s nothing major but the ‘poor me, I’m not wanted’ thing, so that we have to do extra to include her when she’s already included, does get annoying.

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Could the inappropriate monitoring of whether she is sufficiently valued be tied to never working?

Does she not have much concept of her self worth outside the family?

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 09/09/2026 14:20

NotAtMyAge · 09/09/2026 13:54

My MiL was 22 when she had her first child, my DH. I was 22 when our DS was born so my MiL was a Grandma at 44, while she was at college training to be a teacher after having been a SAHM while her 3 boys were young. My DM had 4 daughters in 11 years and when the youngest reached school age she trained as a school cook. OP's MiL could have done something like this, but for whatever reason didn't, so has no experience or understanding of the pressures of working life combined with family responsibilities.

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Sorry didn’t mean to imply having children young means you don’t work.
It was just a possible explanation for why mil had never worked. It is unusual for a lady mid 60s never to have had a job.

Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers · 09/09/2026 14:39

Your post about the bbq is a good insight into why your dh saying make yourself at home/have some cake wasn’t deemed sufficient.
She sounds very hard work and much older than her age.
I’d stop visits on weekdays when things are hectic.
I like the suggestion above not to pander to the am I wanted silliness.
Hopefully you can have a nice meal Saturday and move on. Maybe dh can send a text saying table booked for 6 of us at 7pm at restaurant, looking forward to it. Then she can’t pull any well I didn’t know I was still invited shenanigans. Well done to your DH though not many men would have had such a frank conversation with their mum.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/09/2026 14:56

DrivingHomeToYou · 09/09/2026 13:28

There have been other incidents where she has made herself out to be a victim. I haven’t mentioned them because they were dealt with. She likes to be made to feel important. For example, we had a bbq last month and invited everyone on a family WhatsApp group. Everyone responded saying whether they could come or not. She didn’t respond. I text her separately to ask could she make it and she said yes but that she’d been waiting for a proper invite, again saying
‘I wasn’t sure I’d be wanted’. I had put it on the family WhatsApp group and said I was hoping everyone could make it. It’s nothing major but the ‘poor me, I’m not wanted’ thing, so that we have to do extra to include her when she’s already included, does get annoying.

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You must have the patience of a saint She sounds quite immature for someone in their sixties. You have said that she has never worked which is pretty unusual for someone of her age. The fact that she has never had to answer to a boss/manager which the vast majority of people in employment are expected to do seems to have given her a superiority complex and a sense of entitlement.

Paganpentacle · 09/09/2026 15:21

ProudCat · 08/09/2026 06:15

So you started work late, which meant you then couldn't assert the boundary of finishing for the time you'd booked off.

Even though you started work late, you didn't walk your dogs in the morning and this had to be done in the couple of hours you had available to spend with your MiL.

Your son had to do his college work in the afternoon when she was there because he had football training in the evening so both were prioritised over spending time with this nan.

Your other son had been out drinking until 8am. That's one helluva session.

This isn't hosting. Instead, it's sending a very clear message that someone isn't a priority in any way at all. I'd say message received.

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She was very welcome.
At 2.30.

dayslikethese1 · 11/09/2026 10:20

If she wants a formal visit with everyone attending to her and nothing else going on then she's going to have to accept her visits will be rare (and weekends only). She does sound hard work; I can't stand it when people do that pathetic martyr thing, it's just about the least attractive quality there is.