MIL situation after she arrived early

Rubbish.

Eh?
I said it was ageist to drag age into the mix, with that disparaging tone.

Ageism. 👎

It's not ageism. It's expecting an adult to know what time she's supposed to show up and sticking to that time instead of rudely showing up 2.5 hours early when she was told no one would be available. It's actually the opposite because it's expecting a grown woman to be more mature than teenagers.

I’m just highlighting why MIL may think they made little effort. Because they didn’t.

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

From her perspective, kids staying in their rooms may have been rude as she didnt know the reasons behind it. Do they get on with her? Does she have far to travel? Do you see her often? It can be frustrating especially when she might not see you as much as she likes, but you both work and kids are much older. My Ex-MIL would always make a big deal out of dropping in, I didnt mind especially as my own parents are stereotypical boomers, but it would become exhausting knowing if we didnt drop everything she would sulk about it for several weeks…But then I kind of understood her frustration especially as she had nobody else…Although for good reason she was generally a spiteful bitch…So, no I dont think from what you have said you were unreasonable, but her frustrations might also be reasonable…But equally not your problem to resolve.

She lives about 20 miles away and we see her every other week, more often if we are off work. We are seeing her again at the weekend for a meal for our son before he goes back to uni so she is involved in family life.

She definitely knew she was very early. She said she was and my husband said she’d have to help herself to anything as we’re working before he rushed back to his meeting.

She is married. She does a few hobbies and has friends.

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

I am a MIL in my 60s, and my son and his wife have a busy, busy household - one reception age dd and twin toddler dds, and even though I am disabled, I wouldn't dream of expecting them to drop everything and attend to me, especially if I arrived early. I am more than happy to sit quietly until they are free.

I still think your children could have done better. British or not.

Completely agree - 6 of one, half a dozen of another. Children should definitely have made more effort, she has arrived two hours early (does she have a history of that?) and walking the dogs for half an hour during the visit is pretty rude to be honest.

I’m curious, how could the elder son have done any “better” unless you think young people should all develop some form of esp in case a visitor decides to turn up unexpectedly and martyr themselves in the lounge?