MIL situation after she arrived early

I was thinking that! I don't doubt the OP's accoint, but it does my head in to think there are women like 10 years older than me who have mever worked. I can't imagine any of my school friends in that position. Is she quite posh?

Hard agree.

if OP posted she went to her sister/ brothers amd behaved like her MIL she'd (correctly) be getting her arse firmly handed to her.

I agree with this. It all about how things are managed, isn’t it? My family NEVER turn up at the agreed time and I ‘m sure I’m not the only one.

I think the whole thread has been pretty pointless . If someone in my family turned up while I was on a work call, I would smile and wave and point and make sure they realised they were welcome before / while getting on with my work.

On the other hand, if I distractedly said they could make themselves a cup of tea etc while looking preoccupied and put out, then they would feel hurt and unwelcome.

So it all about attitude and body language. We have literally no idea whether OP made Mil feel welcome or a nuisance. If she looked put out, then that’s why Mizl was upset. That all.

Some of these answers... 'Granny' is only 60 😂

It’s not even clear that Op spoke to MIL on arrival.

She says DH left his colleague in a meeting and said to MIL they were working until 2.30 and back to his meeting. Understandably he didn’t chit chat or make her a brew. I’d look put out and preoccupied if someone unexpected turned up mid meeting. He may have been worried something was wrong eg FIL taken ill, had her handbag stolen at shops. It’s such an odd thing to do to be 2.5 hours early.

My family NEVER turn up at the agreed time and I ‘m sure I’m not the only one.

I suspect that's why you think that the MIL cannot possibly be in the wrong. Your experience of being in a family where everyone doesn't adhere to an agreed time is definitely not the norm and I suspect that's what's contributing to your viewpoint. In most families a time is agreed and adhered to.

The never worked thing. Grandma in this post was a Grandma at age 45 ish so I’d assume she had her own family very young.

I don't normally hold with calling people rude as on Mumsnet it so often just means " someone is doing something I don't like," but turning up 2.5 hours early is incredibly poor manners. It shows a disregard for the importance of your jobs and a bloody-minded tendency to equate how welcome she is with the frequency of offers of cups of tea. I don't think I would have replied!

In fact, the reason I’m sticking up for MIL is that I get heartedly sick of one-sided accounts which are slanted to make MIL look like a real cow. Then of course, every one piles in and says what a cow she is. The reason posters write these posts is to confirm their own viewpoint.

Secondly, I like to stick up for the underdog.

Thirdly, I’ve had loads of MIL conversations where MIL mentions family arriving at a different time from that agreed. They just don’t go onto MN to whip up a witch hunt

Fourthly, I’m against misogyny and ageism.

I also had the MIL from hell, so would not turn a hair at a situation like this one.

How do you know all these DILs are lying? Have you met every single OP's MIL and know every MIL's side?

MIL is way out of line. Imagine turning up to someone's place of work and expecting them to leave early.

Who mentioned lying? OPs on MN always give their own side of the story, and often leave out mitigating circumstances that could explain the other sides reasoning, or drip feed it later, it's not lying, but it is often a very one sided account of things to swing things in their favour.

For instance the OP in this thread let everyone think that the MIL was ignoring their request of timing, was utterly rude to turn up when she did, yet it turns out (drip feed) that she arranged to go somewhere else first to arrive at the time specified, but couldn't get in because of the long queues, so she decided to just go straight there and wait for them, it is still unclear about how effectively the 2:30 thing was communicated, as she was invited for lunch? Maybe she thought they would be having a lunch break at that time, then she would wait for them to finish work? Has she been invited before and they've been able to break off and make a quick cuppa then get back to work etc, there has been no insight given as to why she may have made the decision she did, or if she has form.. only that "who does she think she is" type indignation about a completely one off event, that seems to have no actual malice attached to it.

But it does seem that because she had the nerve to turn up early she was made to feel unwelcome. Even after the time she was supposed to be there, OP worked late then walked the dogs instead of spending time with someone they invited round, the son came in and didn't even offer a drink or stay and chat for a while, the other son never bothered to get up (we know why, but she didn't).. it probably felt like she was unwanted and it upset her, but really is was just an error in judgement, that snowballed.

I'm always suspicious when OPs absolutely refuse to give the benefit of the doubt in situations like this, it means they aren't here for objective opinions, they are just here for vindication, and for everyone to agree that her MIL is a horrible person, when it doesn't sound like she is to be fair.

I never said any of those things, nor thought about them.
I simply think it’s an account written from one person ‘s perspective inviting us to criticise the MIL, which there is always an eager audience to do, so the result is predetermined ie MIL is a cow.

I thought Op went out of her way not to slag MIL off. They clearly get on fine usually and Op and her husband thought they’d had a pleasant afternoon with her and then she sent that text.
If Op hated her I doubt they would be inviting her for lunch, dinner and meals out.

Secondly, I like to stick up for the underdog.

Even if the underdog's in the wrong?

the OP in this thread let everyone think that the MIL was ignoring their request of timing, was utterly rude to turn up when she did, yet it turns out (drip feed) that she arranged to go somewhere else first to arrive at the time specified, but couldn't get in because of the long queues, so she decided to just go straight there and wait for them, it is still unclear about how effectively the 2:30 thing was communicated, as she was invited for lunch?
Maybe she was invited for lunch at 2.30? Just a wild guess.
And I don't see how the reason for her turning up early negates that she was rude. If my plans changed like that I'd entertain myself elsewhere (go to a cafe or a park or something and read/relax) until it was time to turn up. If that really wasn't possible I'd go home and then turn up at the allotted time. She had two and a half hours and it's a 20-minute drive, so really not a lot of faff.

I find it so weird how everyone starts with the 'oh not another MIL bashing thread' - a lot of women with children - so, MN users - will have mothers-in-law, and they are often a big part of our lives, for good or not. It's natural and inevitable that when there are clashes, minor or major, they get posted about.

Nobody says 'oh no not another friend-basing thread' do they? In fact, if this thread were about a mate who turned up 2.5 hours early because she was bored despite knowing her friend would be WFH and the kids busy, I think most people would suggest said friend was unreasonable and rude. But performative 'sticking up for the underdog' or dismissing any issues an MIL might cause just because she is a MIL, means this takes a different turn entirely.

Yeah, great points. And maybe the OP is lying and doesn't even have any kids or a job! And maybe the MIL was actually invited for a three course lunch at 12.30 but the OP has decided to lie about that, just to be a bitch!

Jesus christ.

I don't think calling and saying there has been an issue with previous plans, you know it's early but do they mind if you come early and sit in their living room is a problem. It's only a problem if they say it doesn't work and you show up anyway, or if they say that's fine and you then expect anything other than amusing yourself until the agreed time. If she just turned up early, that is rude (it's rude if your the MIL or the AC).

Life happens, a meeting running half an hour late happens. That can be let go. I would invite MIL to come with me to walk the dog, if that had to be done. Then she can choose to come or stay home.

’Performative’ ❓Why ‘performative’ ❓

Friend v MIL are totally different things.

We do see DIL threads here but IMO they are fewer and have a different tone ie MIL is hurt and baffled by DIL and seeking support and explanations, which is what MN is supposed to be about.

Here, OP is not showing naked hatred for her MIL but on other MIL posts, posters have commented on their horror at the violent feelings shown against MILs. I would suspect some of the posters don’t even have a MIL.

Another horrible aspect is the use of belittling language like MIL is having a ‘tantrum’ if she’s upset by anything. I’m being ‘performative’ if I have a different opinion.

Personally, I find it odd that people read these posts as if they represent the ‘truth ‘ and can’t accept that there are likely many things left out, perhaps not on purpose.

As I said, I’m against misogyny and ageism, the trope in the way the story is narrated and responded to and the inability to recognise that there is likely another side to this, as suggested by the very fact that DIL has chosen to create a post about her MIL, otherwise why bother?

I found the post about 'supporting the underdog' performative, yes.

I do in fact agree with you about 'tantrum'. But I also think you're bending over backwards to read against the grain and suggest alternative scenarios when we have no particular reason to think events were anything other than what the OP tells us they were.

YANBU. So rude.

I have gone to see fam/friends at the actual agreed time and been kept waiting and it is annoying but I've still never said anything, just learned to be less prompt or faded the friendship because no way am I teaching people my age and over how to behave politely, not my job (the truth is they do know what is polite and what isn't they just didn't value me enough to actually be polite). But this is nothing like you're MIL - rude, helpless and a professional victim.

Also I am always so frustrated by people who don't understand working from home is working (my teen DC included who barely speak to me on an evening but are always desperate to chat during my working hours!). It's a simple concept. And also by those who can't understand different sleep cycles. I worked waking nights as a carer while still living with my parents. I'd do 10pm-7am, get home for half past, have some food and go to bed about 9am and it made my father fume. He was always incredulous - 'but you're missing the sunlight', 'must be nice to rot in bed all day', etc. along with regular knocking on my door to ask if I wanted to come to the shops/ have some lunch/ walk the dogs etc. and plenty of (what I am convinced were deliberate) bangs, noises, raised voices etc. Anyone who doesn't go to bed 9pm-ish and get up before 6am is a lazy article.