AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

I’m just flabbergasted by this thread.

Some things have really changed and it is making me feel old!

How can it be ok to just decide not to talk in the morning? Anyone who looks after a child can’t do that. What about if you have to work early (I used to be in work 7:30 most mornings), shift workers, farmers etc etc?!

You can not enjoy talking or not be at your best, but that is a massive difference. A lot of people seek to be mistaking not wanting to do something with not being able to do something.

If he only works weekends and has chosen to be the drop off parent he does really need to try to be nicer (just like you have to act it at work even when you're feeling rubbish!); it was rude to be like that with your mum.

And would this coincide with when the marriage started to deteriorate generally?

Sounds to me like the marriage has become shit and he has lost respect for you. So because he doesn’t care about the marriage, he doesn’t care whether you think he’s an arse in the morning or not.

OP, this is going to be a Terrible atmosphere for your only child

@Bronzeacorn don't pay attention to the posters still fixating on 'not being a morning person' or criticising your mum, those inputs are not relevant.

What is relevant is that this seems like a really unhappy atmosphere for you and your daughter. While you are worrying that she may have some time solo with him, you are forgetting that at the moment ALL her time is WITH him.

Yes, you are there too, but how much more peaceful and calm would her life be if she was with just Mum most of the time, without the looming specter of her grumpy Dad?

Also if he really did want to have her overnight, he would soon see how much hard work it is on his own and may not want to continue with any regularity.

Think carefully about whether it would be doing the kindest thing for your daughter to leave him. He won't change.

I think you need legal advice on your individual circumstances to find out how likely custody would be, then you can make your decision. He sounds like a "reluctant" parent. People on these threads might have suggestions for where you can get advice on this as well as the legal side.

I am autistic but my parents expected me to be polite. He doesnt have to be chatty but you could point out that hes being rude. Constant bad manners and grumpy behaviour is so draining. He should live on his own. What do all the people who cant cope with conversation in the morning do if someone needs to give them crucial information? What if you have to be at work early and they dont get their quiet time. It would be funny if it wasnt so entitled.

I'm fairly lucky that all my kids are the same as me, we're not morning people so we just sit in silence/grunt at each other for about an hour. I don't know what I'd do if I had a chatty child in the morning.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like the morning behaviour is the issue if he's like this all the time

Even as babies and toddlers and very young children?

I'm exactly the same. Need 2-3hrs alone 😁

And is that possible?

Whether he is a morning personal or not, he has a family and somebody called round to do him a favour. He has a responsibility to fame being so sociable; being neuro diverse is not an excuse to be rude.

It's the modern world. The most important thing has become "self". So if you don't want to speak in the morning (at all) you just grunt like a pig and let someone else pick up the slack. If someone comes to collect your washing because your washing machine has broken down, you're well within your rights to totally blank them. Fuck them for doing you a favour because, you know, you aren't a morning person and that's their problem. Dear god.

Yes, even as very young children. In fact I've had to wake my children for nursery/school or whatever for pretty much their whole lives. My youngest is 5 and she regularly sleeps in until 9.30 on weekends and has to be practically dragged downstairs on a school morning.

Can’t imagine the mornings before school run are a particularly happy place at yours 😧

I get up earlier before work,just so I can sit and have my coffee in peace.if my husband comes down and starts chatting,I hate it

This. “Not being a morning person” isn’t an excuse for bad manners or for making your partner carry the morning childcare load for that matter.

They're actually very quiet while we all walk around like zombies getting ready 😂

It’s the same in our house - no non-essential conversation until we’ve both had a coffee and had a chance to wake up 😂

This.

I'm not a morning person and couldn't think of anything worse than having to be social in the morning. I like silence and solitude, ideally for the first couple of hours after waking (which obviously never happened when my children were young, hence I was already overstimulated and cranky from the second my eyes opened!)

My MIL turned up unannounced once and my Husband told me she thought I was rude because I said hello but nothing else and I went upstairs...well it was the beginning of the end.
I was belittled for not people pleasing and told I was rude, difficult etc. I'm not.

Your mum came to get a basket of washing..she didn't need to stay for a coffee? If YOU invited her to, the onus isn't on your husband to socialise too, given he's clearly not a morning bod

We work jobs that aren't a 9-5!!

There's a lot of projection here.

You described how you don't think you'd care if he left and how much happier you feel when he's away... without a doubt he can probably sense your distaste towards him, surely.

My advice: go to marriage counselling. Communicate with your husband. Explain that you need him to get DDs morning routine done a couple of mornings a week, so you can lay in bed and then have a coffee slowly.

You can't expect anything to change if you're not communicating and he has no idea there's an issue?
And likewise you harbouring a simmering resentment because you're not communicating all of the above with him, isn't healthy either.

If you love one another it can work, but communication is key.

How would you feel if the doctor or nurse treating you in A&E at 5AM ‘wasn’t a morning person’ and just grunted at you?

And why is not being a morning person somehow more respectable than not being a night owl? How would people feel at their partner retiring from a social/family situation at 10PM because their ‘aren’t a night owl’?

I also suspect that those who won a sunset champagne ballooning experience over the Masai Mara (for instance) would suddenly find themselves quite able to be sociable early on.

If is just a form of selfishness. If you need an early morning coffee before you are able to face the day and your child is up at 6:30, set an alarm for 6AM and grab your solo coffee.