AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

You need to clarify what your issue is with him.
It seems to me you're resentful that he can be at work for 7am, but doesn't help with DDs morning routine on his days off..in which case discuss that with him and find a compromise, rather than rant on MN to cries of LTB!

There will absolutely be people that are working jobs and hours that don't suit them, of course... why do you think so many people complain of unhappines, lack of work/life balance etc.

I am not a morning person. Despite years of parenting young children, sleepless nights and early risers. I've worked night shifts, day shifts earlies and lates.
I know now what suits me and my current lifestyle/wellbeing and have made changes to try to make that work best around other commitments.

Also...does he only work 2x days a week? You mentioned him working weekends.

And I can sympathise because my ex was also a selfish idiot in the mornings. I was always the one up with our young children, seeing to them whilst he only worried about himself and his routine.
Note I said EX.

You can make changes, but a conversation needs to be had either way; whether that's that he needs to step-up, or that you're done and your relationship is over...is on you.

I really wouldn’t. He’s an adult and if he wants to go to home to bed at 10pm that’s entirely his choice, just like it would be mine if I wanted to do the same.

And in terms of medicine and hours, if people don’t think through the fact they’ll have to work nights then that’s their issue 🤷‍♀️

@beaglescurleduplikebagels ,

Do you think that is how medicine works? Unless you get to be a constant, you don’t get to choose your shift.

And, if you are passionately into medicine and helping people, I doubt you have shift work a great deal of thought before you put your UCAS application in for medicine.

I suspect that if you were with your friends/family having a great meal out and your husband disappeared home at 10PM, you would give a toss.

Exactly. MN always assumes that everyone works a traditional 9-5 desk job with meetings. I work alone with animals - no inane chit chat and socialising required here 😂

How would you feel if the doctor or nurse treating you in A&E at 5AM ‘wasn’t a morning person’ and just grunted at you?

As long as they were doing their job, I really wouldn’t care. But I would also question why someone with such an aversion to mornings had chosen a job that meant they had to work and interact with the public at 5am to begin with.

How would people feel at their partner retiring from a social/family situation at 10PM because their ‘aren’t a night owl’?

I wouldn’t give a toss 😂 why would I?

Honestly...we learn to regulate.

Previously I would set an alarm super early (2 hours before I needed to leave the house and there were NO young children present that I needed to get sorted either)

Introvert, extrovert, morning person or night owl...we are all different.

Also, some people are content to get up, shower etc and go...others expect the radio on, a full cooked breakfast, washing out on the line, the beds made etc.

Maybe just maybe OP and her DH just have entirely different expectations of what it necessary and what is not, in the mornings.

Although I agree he does need to pull his weight more in the mornings with the parenting.
The question is whether OP can step back and let that happen too? (Some people don't realise how much they have a desire to 'do' and control until they're told not to)

How would you feel if the doctor or nurse treating you in A&E at 5AM ‘wasn’t a morning person’ and just grunted at you?

And why is not being a morning person somehow more respectable than not being a night owl? How would people feel at their partner retiring from a social/family situation at 10PM because their ‘aren’t a night owl’?

I also suspect that those who won a sunset champagne ballooning experience over the Masai Mara (for instance) would suddenly find themselves quite able to be sociable early on.

If is just a form of selfishness. If you need an early morning coffee before you are able to face the day and your child is up at 6:30, set an alarm for 6AM and grab your solo coffee.

There's a lot of projection here.

You described how you don't think you'd care if he left and how much happier you feel when he's away... without a doubt he can probably sense your distaste towards him, surely.

My advice: go to marriage counselling. Communicate with your husband. Explain that you need him to get DDs morning routine done a couple of mornings a week, so you can lay in bed and then have a coffee slowly.

You can't expect anything to change if you're not communicating and he has no idea there's an issue?
And likewise you harbouring a simmering resentment because you're not communicating all of the above with him, isn't healthy either.

If you love one another it can work, but communication is key.

We work jobs that aren't a 9-5!!

This.

I'm not a morning person and couldn't think of anything worse than having to be social in the morning. I like silence and solitude, ideally for the first couple of hours after waking (which obviously never happened when my children were young, hence I was already overstimulated and cranky from the second my eyes opened!)

My MIL turned up unannounced once and my Husband told me she thought I was rude because I said hello but nothing else and I went upstairs...well it was the beginning of the end.
I was belittled for not people pleasing and told I was rude, difficult etc. I'm not.

Your mum came to get a basket of washing..she didn't need to stay for a coffee? If YOU invited her to, the onus isn't on your husband to socialise too, given he's clearly not a morning bod

It’s the same in our house - no non-essential conversation until we’ve both had a coffee and had a chance to wake up 😂

They're actually very quiet while we all walk around like zombies getting ready 😂

This. “Not being a morning person” isn’t an excuse for bad manners or for making your partner carry the morning childcare load for that matter.

I get up earlier before work,just so I can sit and have my coffee in peace.if my husband comes down and starts chatting,I hate it

Can’t imagine the mornings before school run are a particularly happy place at yours 😧

Yes, even as very young children. In fact I've had to wake my children for nursery/school or whatever for pretty much their whole lives. My youngest is 5 and she regularly sleeps in until 9.30 on weekends and has to be practically dragged downstairs on a school morning.

It's the modern world. The most important thing has become "self". So if you don't want to speak in the morning (at all) you just grunt like a pig and let someone else pick up the slack. If someone comes to collect your washing because your washing machine has broken down, you're well within your rights to totally blank them. Fuck them for doing you a favour because, you know, you aren't a morning person and that's their problem. Dear god.

Whether he is a morning personal or not, he has a family and somebody called round to do him a favour. He has a responsibility to fame being so sociable; being neuro diverse is not an excuse to be rude.

And is that possible?

I'm exactly the same. Need 2-3hrs alone 😁

Even as babies and toddlers and very young children?

I'm fairly lucky that all my kids are the same as me, we're not morning people so we just sit in silence/grunt at each other for about an hour. I don't know what I'd do if I had a chatty child in the morning.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like the morning behaviour is the issue if he's like this all the time

I am autistic but my parents expected me to be polite. He doesnt have to be chatty but you could point out that hes being rude. Constant bad manners and grumpy behaviour is so draining. He should live on his own. What do all the people who cant cope with conversation in the morning do if someone needs to give them crucial information? What if you have to be at work early and they dont get their quiet time. It would be funny if it wasnt so entitled.

I think you need legal advice on your individual circumstances to find out how likely custody would be, then you can make your decision. He sounds like a "reluctant" parent. People on these threads might have suggestions for where you can get advice on this as well as the legal side.