AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

83 replies

Footballcoachmum · 07/09/2026 08:55

Am I being unreasonable here?
We went to my MIL's BBQ on Saturday and most of the family were there. I left feeling really upset and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.
Throughout the whole day, my MIL barely acknowledged me, my husband (her own son) or our youngest daughter. At one point, her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.
Later, MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.
To make matters worse, my husband's stepdad then started questioning our parenting and commented that we let our youngest get away with too much. For context, our youngest has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She's loud, energetic and can be hard work at times, but we absolutely do not let her do whatever she wants. In fact, parenting her has been one of the biggest challenges we've faced and has taken a huge toll on my mental health. Comments like that really sting because they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and are judging a situation they know very little about.
My husband isn't particularly bothered because they rarely make an effort with us anyway, but I find it genuinely upsetting. I got to the point where I just wanted to leave and go home and cry.
Then, to top it all off, my MIL once again started telling a story about my husband and his ex. The event happened over 20 years ago, but I've heard this same story at virtually every family gathering during the 15 years I've been with him. My husband agrees it's disrespectful, but he's very laid back and doesn't want any drama.
What hurts most is that my eldest daughter is now starting to notice the difference in how we're treated compared with other family members.
Am I being unreasonable for saying that I no longer want to attend family gatherings, and that I don't particularly want my daughters attending either, especially when they're starting to pick up on the favouritism and lack of interest themselves?

OP posts:

Foreverautumnagain · 08/09/2026 19:05

If you don't need to be there find an excuse. I did for different reasons but my FIL was an ah and constantly talked about his new partner's grandson, totally ignoring his own. He was resentful that we had moved away from his area but such a childish response! He was a difficult individual anyway so I started to anticipate possible gatherings and made solid plans for other commitments. Worked a treat 😁

HereWeGo1234 · 08/09/2026 19:16

MIL - DIL relationships are historically not great. You are not going to change her behaviour. For whatever reason it sounds like she has taken a dislike to you and is doing her best to be unkind. She may well be jealous of you.
I suggest you keep your distance, but don’t cut her out completely. When she starts repeating one of her stories just smile and say ‘oh yes, you’ve told us that before’. Let’s say she wants you at her house at 3 o’clock, make sure you have somewhere else to be at about 5 o’clock. If she doesn’t show any interest in your children, that’s her loss. Just start being a bit vague with her. It’s a terrible way to behave in front of her grandchildren. Shame on her.

Rpop · 08/09/2026 19:28

Footballcoachmum · 07/09/2026 09:23

It has always been like this, His mothers side of the family are horrible. when his nan was alive we used to go visit and they would all be there, it was the kind of place you'd walk in too and not one person would say hello. MIL always seems more interested in other peoples kids than her own grandchildren. I said to my hubby I have never done anything wrong, always doted on my hubby, treated him with respect been loyal yet my SIL who cheated on her other son gets treated far better than me. I just don't know what it is but hubby says his mother is the last person to comment on parenting with how he was treated as a child!

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Ideally, I wouldn’t bother with these events, but I’m guessing it’s tricky because it would make your husband feel awkward and he is important to you? So moving forward, I’d keep it really boundaried if you do go, and don’t give them anything of your personal life, don’t bother bringing your children into conversation and just let it wash over you. You won’t change them and they sound absolutely awful. They missed out having you properly in their life.

Livelovebehappy · 08/09/2026 19:48

Unfortunately these posts are difficult, as we only have one side. Presumably your in-laws have taken offence at something you’re perceived to have done, that maybe you’re unaware of?

fridaynightzzz · 08/09/2026 19:51

If she tells this story about DHs ex was she a big fan of her. Is she annoyed they aren’t together anymore, blames you?

Frillysweetpea · 08/09/2026 20:36

Just go as LC as you can. Sounds like your husband will support you.

BeddysMum · 08/09/2026 22:42

My paternal grandfather was like this. Showed favouritism to his new GFs family over us, in a very obvious way.
It was hurtful and even as small kids we noticed. Things like her kids school photos being displayed in their lounge but not ours (although my dad had given him some of ours.)
Getting a low value, thoughtless voucher for birthday/Xmas while her IDs were favoured with lavish gifts, with his money.
Making snarky, hurtful comments to my parents and showing up inexcusably late on Xmas day, meaning dinner was overcooked and ruined.
It hurt and the older I got the more it upset me. I was happy not to see him anymore as a teen when we moved away.
The final insult was the inheritance when he died leaving it practically all to his GFs good for nothing son, and a paltry sum for a family.
Do your kids a favour and stay away! Toxic family aren't worth it.

Francestein · 09/09/2026 04:53

I think when pushed, you should tell your DH (or MIL) that you are teaching your daughters that they don’t have to tolerate disrespect or demand attention from people who simply aren’t interested.

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