AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

Just stop bothering with them and decline any invitations. You don't need them in your life. It's up to DH to manage his own relationship with them, you don't need to be involved.

Perfectly reasonable to step back OP.

My ex PIL's so obviously favoured SIL's kids. Gave them expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas, babysat them often, their faces would light up around them. It was so sad for my kids.

The final straw for me was when, after looking after SIL's dog for a couple of weeks, they were regaling us with tales of what they'd done with the dog each day and how they had spoiled him. I thought 'wow they have never treated our children that well!' and after that I backed away completely from them.

She is not going to change. So what to do? The one thing I would not do is continue to pretend her behaviour is not outrageous and just put up with it.
If you don’t want a family rift you could attend those events you want to see the people you want and avoid your MiL. You would need to have an age appropriate conversation with your children and agree an approach on how to handle the situation with them. If she does behave badly despite your best attempts, call her on it there and then. Dont be afraid of bringing it out on the open. I can imagine your child responding to the comment about the football for example ‘it’s ok mum, I know grandma doesn’t like our family so obviously she would not want to watch me’ - nice and loud for everyone to hear! But stop doing the ‘pick me’ trying to make her care about your family because she likes being able to slight you - ignore her and avoid her. You could combine this with a policy of declining anything not to your benefit and never inviting her over. Also, no favours or help - dont ask and don’t provide. You may well (no guarantee) start to see her respect you more and try harder when you deop her like a stone.

Tackle it head on, when she ignores you or your children again pull her up in front of everyone... Say something like oh sorry did you not hear me or are you being rude? Unacceptable behaviour from a grown woman!

If it was you being sidelined, I would suggest persisting.

As it is affecting your DC, it would be unkind to them to continue. It is no example to them to see such unfavourable treatment accepted as normal.

Come from over 27 years experience of this. MIL has always favoured the grandchildren of DW's sibling, principally because their mother (her daughter-in-law) is the best person to ever walk this planet in her view. All of the grandchildren know this and joke about it amongst themselves (so no animosity there thankfully). Our 2 children however as grown adults have nothing to do with MIL and she just cannot see why. Most definitely a case of reaping what they sow.

I'd stop attending, and make it very clear to the kids that it was entirely their choice whether they do so.

How far away do you live?

We stopped seeing my inlaws for about two years following this kind of behaviour - mostly from my MIL. But we lived 1.5 hours away and only typically saw them a few times per year. I don't think they even noticed!

We did resume social contact with them once our children were older and could speak up for themselves. I just didn't see the point in wasting my time and energy seeing them and being made to feel like a bad parent. My MIL appeared to have a dislike of my eldest and called her names behind our back so I felt compelled to protect her. DH was onboard as he had his own tricky upbringing.

When we started seeing them again, they were kinder, or less outspoken at least, and now my DC are grown up and have their own relationship with inlaws and it is all fine. I was fortunate in that DH's brother, who was MIL's favourite, used to stick up for us and challenge his parents on our behalf.

Anyway, I said YANBU. We don't owe people our time and access to our children if they are mean-spirited to us or our children.

Yep, bin them off. Then add passive aggressive comments on social media about how sad it is when you have to cut ties with extended family who go out of their way to make you feel excluded and less than.

Just no need, is there. Let's hope they never need anything from you.

"Laid back" and "doesn't want drama" are just different ways of saying "coward" and "lacking a backbone". I have no patience for people like this who make life harder for everyone. A few well-placed comments from your partner would potentially have fixed this. Like: "hang on mum, Footballcoachmum was just talking about our child.. did you have any follow-up questions" or "can we focus on this side of the family for a few minutes" or "we have lots of updates about XYZ, if you're interested" and when it's ignored: "oh, so you're not interested in catching up, we'll get out of your hair then, enjoy your meal".

And then walk out. It's not difficult, is it? Otherwise, he is asking you to spend every gathering being treated like that. Have a conversation with him and ask why he doesn't want to stand up for you.

Urgh, couldn't have sex with a man who demonstrates he has no balls. Sorry.

This.

Oh no. Watch out for the expectations of help and care as they age - the favourite child will never be expected to do this.*
And, if we want to be cynical/realistic - the inheritance is unlikely to be equally split anyway. Obviously, I could be completely wrong but she doesn’t strike me as a fair person based on your posts.

*to add, the “lesser” child is manipulated into thinking that one day they will meet their parent’s approval and receive equal love by tending to their every need.

She doesn't like you, and by extension your children. However you have a massive DH problem is he has refused to do anything to support you over the years, and actually he is an awful father if he hasn't tackled the blatant dislike towards his own children.

Why do you stay with someone who doesn't have his wife's back or worse, his children's backs?

You have a husband problem.

I'd stop making any effort to attend. Give your DDs the choice if they want to go.

What is disappointing is your DH attitude. When he says he wants no drama, he means he'd rather you're upset than have to upset his mother by saying anything.

I don’t know, maybe he is too passive generally. However, it is so difficult for the child of that parent. We see it countless times, adults who have been emotionally abused, neglected, taken advantage of by the parents and they still want to please the parent or at least not upset them. Some will nurse them in their old age to the detriment of themselves and their families. The hold is strong. It’s easy to tell someone else that they need to stand up to their parents even if it is clearly the right thing to do.

OP is one step removed and so it’s easier for her to pull back and there will be no loss to her.

DILs join the family and, as the outsiders, can see the faults of the family and the dynamics that those within think are normal. I can’t speak for the sons-in-law.

I remember becoming a young adult and no longer being interested in visiting my demanding, selfish grandparents.

It became easier when my dad left home after an affair, and they happily had him back whilst his new love nest was being created. My mum obviously went NC with them then as well.

I didn't attend my grandmothers funeral, and only went to my Grandfathers because my mum did.

Being ' family' doesn't excuse people being awful, there's no law saying you must like them or have anything to do with them.

Sack these family gatherings off, they sound unbearable. Your kids will thank you as well.

This was my first thought too when informed they had moved closer

Why did your Dh not talk to his Mum about her lack of concern after the miscarriage? It seems like opportunities to pull her up on her behaviour have been ignored and so now she knows she can treat you like this because you let her. We literally teach people how to treat us.

Your Dh should have a conversation with her now about all the hurt and upset his Mum has caused. Could he talk to his sister? Does she have his back? Because I guarantee that if he talks to his Mum she will run straight to SIL who will hopefully confirm she does that.

I am sorry you had a miscarriage, I cannot imagine the pain of that.

My DH wasn't Golden Boy in the family and I guess by extension I wasn't good enough either . His SIL was much more biddable than I, being younger , not having a great relationship with her own mother and didn't want to jeapordise that . Which was OK for them to do . But I did feel hurt that my DCs never had a sleep over or got taken out by them . Excuse was they were too young but it was nonsense. I tried not to show it but I never felt kindly towards them . It is horrible to think that your DCs are thought of in this way . I would cry too. Luckily I moved very far away near my own family who absolutely adored and cherished my children.

Your MIL is not a nice lady. Be kind to yourself and your children by limiting contact with her.

We're in a similar situation except we all used to have a really good close relationship with mil and her with her GC until sil had dc. We would visit each other at least twice a week and phone each other at least twice PW. I felt lucky I had a great mil that I got along with and could talk to her about anything

Then sil had dc and we got completely side lined. All visits stopped. She visits sil several times a week who lives 5 minutes away from us, she only visits us only on birthdays. Dh sent her a message when he was upset about everything, she promised she would be more involved and nothing. Dc are still really upset about it but I can't force her to be in our lives when we clearly don't matter to her anymore. I'm still sad about it, I loved my mil but hate to see the upset shes caused

My mil only has time for one of her grandchildren, and it ain’t my son!

She’s very close to me sil’s daughter - which is the general order of things.
But, she can’t have one conversation where granddaughter’s name doesn’t come up. And once it’s up - it fucking stays up for half an hour, if i don’t stop her.
I quickly change the subject, before i am subjected to the latest mundane what-have-you.
Niece had teeth out before a brace fitting, and you’d think it was NASA training before going on the ISS.
I got a blow by blow account of everything that happened.

My mil idolises her daughter, and now also idolises her granddaughter.
Which is fine, but she can’t expect everyone else to feel the same way.

My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said....
My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.

It does sound like your MIL was talking to other people and you and your husband shoehorned a mention of your children in. "I must come and see them play" is merely a social nicety. In those cases I don't think she sounds rude.

The stepfather criticising your parenting was wrong, though.

When my mil sees my son, she talks to him like you would to a neighbour’s grandchild.
Kinda nice, but at arm’s length.

Ooh, look how tall you are.
Are you looking forward to going back to school?
Have you had a nice summer?

Banal shit like that.