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Original poster

AIBU to stop attending family gatherings after MIL's favouritism?

83 replies

Footballcoachmum · 07/09/2026 08:55

Am I being unreasonable here?
We went to my MIL's BBQ on Saturday and most of the family were there. I left feeling really upset and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.
Throughout the whole day, my MIL barely acknowledged me, my husband (her own son) or our youngest daughter. At one point, her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.
Later, MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.
To make matters worse, my husband's stepdad then started questioning our parenting and commented that we let our youngest get away with too much. For context, our youngest has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She's loud, energetic and can be hard work at times, but we absolutely do not let her do whatever she wants. In fact, parenting her has been one of the biggest challenges we've faced and has taken a huge toll on my mental health. Comments like that really sting because they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and are judging a situation they know very little about.
My husband isn't particularly bothered because they rarely make an effort with us anyway, but I find it genuinely upsetting. I got to the point where I just wanted to leave and go home and cry.
Then, to top it all off, my MIL once again started telling a story about my husband and his ex. The event happened over 20 years ago, but I've heard this same story at virtually every family gathering during the 15 years I've been with him. My husband agrees it's disrespectful, but he's very laid back and doesn't want any drama.
What hurts most is that my eldest daughter is now starting to notice the difference in how we're treated compared with other family members.
Am I being unreasonable for saying that I no longer want to attend family gatherings, and that I don't particularly want my daughters attending either, especially when they're starting to pick up on the favouritism and lack of interest themselves?

OP posts:
nomas · 07/09/2026 13:58

The repeating of the story about the ex shows that MIL wants you both there as an audience whilst she bitches about you. That would be the final straw for me and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being present any more.

nomas · 07/09/2026 13:58

The repeating of the story about the ex shows that MIL wants you both there as an audience whilst she bitches about you. That would be the final straw for me and I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being present any more.

ToadRage · 07/09/2026 14:02

I have had to move away from family gatherings too. Not cos of my MiL but because of my Mum. The last one we went to was a picnic at a national trust property. My mum planned it, she had got me to order the food due to my staff discount leaving me out of pocket for several days because she prefers to reimburse people rather than give them the required money in advance, when thank yous were announced i wasn't even mentioned. When i got there she ignored me and my husband, except to tell us not to eat all the sandwiches, (as if we would) prefering to talk to my aunts and cousins, she still expected me to help clean up afterwards. I cried most of the way home. A similar thing happened at my Nana's birthday party re.the sandwiches comment but my cousin who was a small baby at the picnic was now 5 and interested in everyone

Ohnobackagain · 07/09/2026 14:04

@Footballcoachmum do you ever have them over to yours on their own, or would MIL not come? If they do, is she the same then?

cornflakecrunchie · 07/09/2026 14:09

I really don't understand these type of posts.
It must be so hurtful.. why do you keep going back for more? Just cut ties.. hugs.

Hellohelga · 07/09/2026 14:21

I agree with PP that rather than going NC you should tech your DC how to navigate difficult relationships. Grow a thick skin, ignore MIL completely and enjoy socialising with other family members. On the way home in the car have a laugh about silly MIL fawning over the golden ones.

PixieFairySprite · 07/09/2026 14:33

She's a bully. It's as simple as that.

Limit your time and your interactions with her.

When attending family events (and why should you stop, if you enjoy the company of other members of the family?) make sure to spend all of your time happily chatting to anyone and everyone but her.

If she notices and doesn't like it, make sure that you are not alone with her so that any nasty comments are overheard by others.

If she does make an unkind comment, stop... tell her that you are sorry but you did not hear what she said, and can she repeat it? Make sure as many people as possible hear what she says. Do not rise to it but reply calmly and minimise what she says with things like ' I don't think you understand', 'it's not really like that.' Just laugh it off because everyone can see how ridiculous she is.

She will not change so this, or reducing contact with her, is the only thing to you do.

She does not deserve your attention or thoughts.

SandyHappyPerson · 07/09/2026 16:22

What are they like when you see them without other people present? Do they have any redeeming qualities at all?

Camomilecrumpet · 07/09/2026 17:08

Absolutely no way I’d still be turning up. Free time is precious, as is petrol money. Spend them wisely.

Tablesandchairs23 · 07/09/2026 17:26

Stay away and keep your daughter away. Your husband can please himself

LovelyLassie · 07/09/2026 17:32

Try this - give them space when they behave badly and give them your time when they behave well. Eventually they will catch on but it might take a while.

LovelyLassie · 07/09/2026 17:33

Also make a joke of mil recounting the 15 year old story.

stopbeingnasty · 07/09/2026 17:56

You're definitely not being unreasonable. I think the best thing I ever realised is that you can do whatever the hell makes you comfortable. People will talk poo about you whether you show up or not.

Ethelspagetti · 07/09/2026 18:18

Footballcoachmum · 07/09/2026 09:49

No there was obvs more to that convo where MIL sister asked about them both & MIL just seemed disinterested. My eldest daughter noticed it once when we went out for MIL b'day, My eldest daughter was talking to MIL & she turned away and started talking to another family members child

Show quote history

That is so hurtful, your poor daughter. Honestly I’d stop going to these events
as I wouldn’t want them to treat my children this way. Is they ask why you didn’t come then your husband can explain.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 07/09/2026 18:24

The one who is really letting you down here is your DH. He’s ok with all of this?? He’s ok to sit back and allow his own kids being treated like this??
your Mil does this because your Dh ALLOWS HER TO.

Holeymoley28 · 07/09/2026 18:27

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 07/09/2026 13:53

When my mil sees my son, she talks to him like you would to a neighbour’s grandchild.
Kinda nice, but at arm’s length.

Ooh, look how tall you are.
Are you looking forward to going back to school?
Have you had a nice summer?

Banal shit like that.

Sounds like my mil.

do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend?
How was school today?
Haven’t you grown / are you taller than me yet to the younger one?

Nothing more than the child version of adults talking about the weather basically. No depth because they don’t know anything and they are not really that interested in the answer either.

Much like a you alright when you walk by someone you know out of politeness but you keep walking not really wanting an answer.

Any interests my children do have because they are not her interests she won’t even humour them. Wheres my mum will sit and watch and listen to whatever bullshit they want to tell her even if she doesn’t quite get it because she wants to know more and have a relationship with them.

Foolish1984 · 07/09/2026 18:29

YANBU at all but YABU to tolerate this! Defend your poor DC, please! It’s literally your job as her mother

notanothermother · 07/09/2026 20:00

Girl you are asking this a decade too late because if I was being disrespected and my husband a) didn’t care about his family or b) didn’t stand up for you vocally, I would have cut contact way sooner. Why are you giving these people any time or energy. Nothing at all negative will come from going no contact. Stop contacting them. Stop making an effort. Unfriend them on socials and go live in peace.

Bananacrepewithnuts · 07/09/2026 20:35

Do you often meet up with her just with just your family I.e. no aunts uncles cousins there ?
The reason I ask is that at family events I am always more inclined to talk more / ask more questions to family members who I don't see so often.
I see my mum /sister etc all the time so I don't need to talk to them when we are all in the company of extended family.
X

juliawilks72 · 08/09/2026 05:05

Stop all contact

pinkfondu · 08/09/2026 05:24

Footballcoachmum · 07/09/2026 09:23

It has always been like this, His mothers side of the family are horrible. when his nan was alive we used to go visit and they would all be there, it was the kind of place you'd walk in too and not one person would say hello. MIL always seems more interested in other peoples kids than her own grandchildren. I said to my hubby I have never done anything wrong, always doted on my hubby, treated him with respect been loyal yet my SIL who cheated on her other son gets treated far better than me. I just don't know what it is but hubby says his mother is the last person to comment on parenting with how he was treated as a child!

Show quote history

Does she actually do anything though, tge football comment, will she actually go? It is all performative and for show? Therefore it stings you as it dounds like she’s interested in others but doesn’t actually do any more for others?

Foodwench66 · 08/09/2026 18:21

I would not go to her house anymore. Your children will not miss out on anything by not seeing someone that doesn't seem to like them. I'm sorry, I know it's hurtful but it does seem that she doesn't like you all. I'd focus on your nuclear family and make new friends and create your own extended family. Your Husband can go over there if he wants to, but I would not go or let my children go.

Whothought · 08/09/2026 18:26

thepariscrimefiles · 07/09/2026 09:29

You are not being unreasonable. Obviously socialising with your PILs is demoralising for you and your children, with their clear favouritism for the children of less close family members and your FIL's criticism of your younger daughter who has been diagnosed with ADHD was horrible. Socialising with them is the opposite of enjoyable so I would give it a miss in future if I were you.

Your DH, while recognising what his parents are doing, isn't ready to challenge them or cut them off. If he still wants to visit and socialise with his parents, don't try and stop him but don't make your children go as they shouldn't have to put up with either being ignored or criticised. They are really shitty grandparents to your children and I'm sorry they aren't nicer people.

This.

Ilikesundays · 08/09/2026 18:34

It sounds as if your MiL has a problem with your dh. She evidently dislikes him and the feeling is extended to you and your dc. That the stepfather has also made unpleasant comments shows that she’s been discussing your family with him and her animosity has transferred to him. You won’t be able to win them over. I’d give them a wide berth. If your husband can manage with nc with his parents, so can you.

MMUmum · 08/09/2026 18:43

Footballcoachmum · 07/09/2026 08:55

Am I being unreasonable here?
We went to my MIL's BBQ on Saturday and most of the family were there. I left feeling really upset and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting.
Throughout the whole day, my MIL barely acknowledged me, my husband (her own son) or our youngest daughter. At one point, her niece was talking about her daughter who plays football, and my MIL said, "I'll have to come and watch her play one day." My husband then pointed out that our daughter plays football too, but MIL completely ignored the comment and carried on as if nothing had been said.
Later, MIL was chatting away to her niece's older son about school, joking that he hadn't had detention yet. My eldest daughter is in the same year at the same school, so I mentioned how well she's doing. Again, no interest, no follow-up questions, just completely dismissed.
To make matters worse, my husband's stepdad then started questioning our parenting and commented that we let our youngest get away with too much. For context, our youngest has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. She's loud, energetic and can be hard work at times, but we absolutely do not let her do whatever she wants. In fact, parenting her has been one of the biggest challenges we've faced and has taken a huge toll on my mental health. Comments like that really sting because they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and are judging a situation they know very little about.
My husband isn't particularly bothered because they rarely make an effort with us anyway, but I find it genuinely upsetting. I got to the point where I just wanted to leave and go home and cry.
Then, to top it all off, my MIL once again started telling a story about my husband and his ex. The event happened over 20 years ago, but I've heard this same story at virtually every family gathering during the 15 years I've been with him. My husband agrees it's disrespectful, but he's very laid back and doesn't want any drama.
What hurts most is that my eldest daughter is now starting to notice the difference in how we're treated compared with other family members.
Am I being unreasonable for saying that I no longer want to attend family gatherings, and that I don't particularly want my daughters attending either, especially when they're starting to pick up on the favouritism and lack of interest themselves?

No yanbu, just stay away from her, she's toxic and you don't need to socialise with someone who makes you feel upset and disregarded