Page 4 | AIBU to worry my son is too young to marry?

HairyToity · Yesterday 15:51

My aunt and uncle did a deed of variation on a will and my cousin inherited young. She got married at 32 and divorced at 37. The divorce cost her about 90k of the inheritance. All part of life's journey. Your son's might be the marriage that works (mine did).

Mrcollinswave · Yesterday 15:52

I don't blame you for worrying OP. You change so much in your 20s. Doesn't the frontal lobe of the brain not develop fully until your mid-20s and beyond? I'd worry too if neither of them have had any other boyfriends/ girlfriends in case either felt they missed out further down the line.
But there's nothing you can do other than wish them well. I divorced after marrying too young but I do know of plenty of other couples who married young and are still happy together

Original poster

Eralione · Yesterday 15:52

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 15:49

I would be disappointed that my child was settling down so young but it seems like this is an unpopular opinion. Has he experienced anything other than school, uni and her? Travelled, gap year, other jobs, mates holidays, hobbies, volunteering? I’ve got two friends who married in their twenties, everyone else was early to mid thirties. They are the only two who are now divorced. It’s probably coincidence, but I think when you’ve had limited experience outside of each other it’s easier to grow apart and want different things.

They’ve both been on holiday apart and both worked through uni along with fairly demanding courses.
They both have hobbies though some of these overlapped for a while (distance running, they spent about 3 years doing marathons but both seem to have stopped now and gone back to their teenage hobbies).
Their friendship group is quite interlinked though.

OP posts:

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 15:52

RandomUsernameHere · Yesterday 15:50

Would you be asking this if he didn’t have any money? It’s not that young.

Taking opinion entirely out of it, objectively it is very young. Median age of first time male marriage in the UK is 31 or 32 depending on where you get your information.

waitinginwonderland · Yesterday 15:53

Eralione · Yesterday 15:52

They’ve both been on holiday apart and both worked through uni along with fairly demanding courses.
They both have hobbies though some of these overlapped for a while (distance running, they spent about 3 years doing marathons but both seem to have stopped now and gone back to their teenage hobbies).
Their friendship group is quite interlinked though.

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That’s always a worry - interlinked friendship groups are common where you’ve had the same friends and relationship since school but doesn’t leave anywhere to turn in the event of a breakup.

Twinkylightsg · Yesterday 15:53

I mean tbf they could bee 30 and still divorce after 2 years. I know people who have been together since they were teens and lasted and others who divorced. Same with people in their thirties getting married and then divorcing. Age does not determine wether a marriage lasts or doesn't.

HardyFox · Yesterday 15:54

You can worry all you want but he's a big boy now, a grown up even.
With regard to the money you gave him, did you think he would stay single for ever?
Time to let go, OP, or worry in private and keep stum if you have any sense.

user1476613140 · Yesterday 15:54

Well, she's scored financially by marrying into your family. No need to worry about money now. She can get up the duff and relax about it all.

FirmSnake · Yesterday 15:54

Eralione · Yesterday 15:48

Gosh no, she’s lovely, I think she’s great and she and I have a wonderful relationship, she’s a lovely young woman, very kind and talented. It’s not about protecting DS and more them both, it’s young to get married, the house they have bought is in the village she grew up in, I’m worried they are just settling so young when they have much of the world to see!

And yes it does worry me about the 50% of the house would go to her not because I don’t think she’s lovely but because I passed it on to DS, tbh I should have thought it through before I did it but I was grieving and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

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They can still see the world! I married at 21 and DH and I have built a wonderful life and seen the world together!
Nothing in life is guaranteed.
Even if it does all goes to shit, your DH will still have half a house and all will be perfectly well. Don't catastrophise.

Sakura7 · Yesterday 15:54

Eralione · Yesterday 15:48

Gosh no, she’s lovely, I think she’s great and she and I have a wonderful relationship, she’s a lovely young woman, very kind and talented. It’s not about protecting DS and more them both, it’s young to get married, the house they have bought is in the village she grew up in, I’m worried they are just settling so young when they have much of the world to see!

And yes it does worry me about the 50% of the house would go to her not because I don’t think she’s lovely but because I passed it on to DS, tbh I should have thought it through before I did it but I was grieving and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

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I honestly don't understand what your issue is. Your son is in an incredibly good position.

If travelling and seeing the world is something they want, marriage doesn't prevent them from doing that. If it's not something they want, you have to accept that they have different interests to you.

I would understand your concerns if this was a very recent girlfriend, or if you had doubts about her character, but she's a good person and they know each other inside out at this point.

What's the alternative? That your son never married?

Minnie798 · Yesterday 15:55

I'm with you op.
I wouldn't want my ds's to settle down at 23 either. But of course , what we want is irrelevant as they have to live their own lives, as they want to

NotAtMyAge · Yesterday 15:55

Eralione · Yesterday 15:48

Gosh no, she’s lovely, I think she’s great and she and I have a wonderful relationship, she’s a lovely young woman, very kind and talented. It’s not about protecting DS and more them both, it’s young to get married, the house they have bought is in the village she grew up in, I’m worried they are just settling so young when they have much of the world to see!

And yes it does worry me about the 50% of the house would go to her not because I don’t think she’s lovely but because I passed it on to DS, tbh I should have thought it through before I did it but I was grieving and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

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It was a wonderful thing to do and it means that your DS and the lovely young woman he has been with for almost a decade can now set out on married life in a very secure financial position. DH did the same with his inheritance from his DM but in this case passed it on to our three grandsons who are all in their early to mid 20s and just setting out in life. The eldest has put his share towards buying his first house.

cloudtreecarpet · Yesterday 15:56

You won't get anywhere on MN with this kind of thread, everyone will act shocked that you are concerned & will tell you that you are being unreasonable.

I totally get it though. They are quite young to be married but more of a concern is that they have been together since a very young age & haven't had other relationships or experiences.

The danger with that and, you see it on MN all the time, is that when they have been together 20 odd years one of them gets fed up and has an affair or ends the relationship because they have grown up and grown apart or have begun to wonder what they missed out on.

The number of threads you read where someone in their late 30s/early 40s starts a thread saying they have been with their partner 20 years and it's all fallen apart is pretty high.

So, yes, I get your concerns and I think they are valid but there isn't much you can do about it because they are adults and will do their own thing.

All you can do is love and support your son. And maybe he and his fiance will be one of the couples that does stay together forever

Sakura7 · Yesterday 15:56

user1476613140 · Yesterday 15:54

Well, she's scored financially by marrying into your family. No need to worry about money now. She can get up the duff and relax about it all.

This is a ridiculous comment given that she's been with the guy since she was 14. Hardly a gold digger, is she?

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 15:56

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Coffeewinecake · Yesterday 15:56

Faline · Yesterday 15:23

Not too young to marry. But I think you are right to be apprehensive about the deed of variation. If they separate in the future, those assets are likely to be matrimonial. There is nothing to do about it now- and you absolutely can't say anything without risking your relationship with them both.

Wouldn’t this apply to anyone he married in the future?

Atchampsagain · Yesterday 15:56

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Itsthewoluff · Yesterday 15:58

ladyofroo · Yesterday 15:50

And yes it does worry me about the 50% of the house would go to her not because I don’t think she’s lovely but because I passed it on to DS, tbh I should have thought it through before I did it but I was grieving and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

But why would it matter if they waited until, say, age 30 to get married? - she is still going to get half of his money isnt she? thats the point of marriage surely- you pool finances

Typically divorce rates are higher the younger you are to get married. As you age you tend to change. The brain isn’t fully matured until at least 25. Hopefully you change and grow in a similar direction. Often you change and end up wanting different things. Especially if their life experience is limited in the first place. Personally I’d feel happier if they were older.

IAmNotMyJobTitle · Yesterday 15:58

Eralione · Yesterday 15:48

Gosh no, she’s lovely, I think she’s great and she and I have a wonderful relationship, she’s a lovely young woman, very kind and talented. It’s not about protecting DS and more them both, it’s young to get married, the house they have bought is in the village she grew up in, I’m worried they are just settling so young when they have much of the world to see!

And yes it does worry me about the 50% of the house would go to her not because I don’t think she’s lovely but because I passed it on to DS, tbh I should have thought it through before I did it but I was grieving and it seemed like the obvious thing to do.

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They can see the world together!

hotmumshit · Yesterday 15:59

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Well if she overdoes it, he will pull away from her. I think sharing her concerns one time, with love, is all she can do

24 imo is far too young, especially as he has no dating or real life experience

Credittocress · Yesterday 15:59

They’ve been together 9 years so she’s hardly a gold digger or chancer is she? By that score you are unreasonable to mention the deed of variation.

Luddite26 · Yesterday 16:00

My boss and her DH got married at 20 and 22. Celebrated 44 years this year. Must be nice to enjoy that length on if time together. Maybe they want to start a family.
You would worry at any age as you've handed some money over but you can't control things.

BillieWiper · Yesterday 16:01

It may end 'in flames' (isn't it 'tears'?) if they marry now, or it may do so if they wait another 5 years.

If the woman wants children there is a finite amount of time to do this and if you wish to marry before procreation or have children fairly young then this age seems perfectly reasonable.

They are adults and it's not really about what you think anyway.

trueredstart · Yesterday 16:01

I thought you were about to say he was 17 going on 18!

KeepPumping · Yesterday 16:02

Eralione · Yesterday 15:16

Afternoon,
DH and I have one DS he is 23 (24 in October), a teacher. He has been with his girlfriend since they were 14/15, they broke up briefly around 18/19 for about 4 months and have been together since.

He has just decided to propose and they have told us they plan to get married next summer, she will be 23 and him 24.

We recently used a deed of variation to pass on a large amount of inheritance which they have used to boy a property outright, I believe this is just in DSs name but I’ll be honest I don’t know as the money had nothing to do with us since we used a deed of variation.

Im worried they are far too young to being getting married and it may all end in flames. I don’t understand the hurry. I’m also worried this will compromise our son’s financial position.

AIBU?

Are you saying that the sudden arrival of a load of money has somehow speeded up this marriage process?