AIBU to expect my brothers to help visit our mother in hospital?

I think it really depends on what type of mother she has been to them. Some parents do not care whatsoever about their kids, so why should the kids then care about them back?
If she's been a wonderful mum, that's very different.

My brother is useless too OP. It seems to be quite common.

Focus on the fact that you’re a good person, that you’re doing a lovely thing for your mum, that you have a close relationship with her and that you’re making her happy. That’s what I do with mine. Your brothers can live with their own consciences. If they have them.

Sadly this is where you find out that people will let you down.

We had similar with MIL, her other son who lived a 5 minute walk away used covid as an excuse to never visit her again. Didn't call her or pop in with shopping despite not working. It was left to DH and I to sort her out despite us both having fulltime jobs that were crazy busy during covid.

The only positive there was is I totally got tough and decided if he can't even pick up milk for her, I wasn't going to involve him with any big decisions. When MILs dementia got worse DH and I chose her care home, moved her etc. Other son wasn't given a chance to give his opinion as he didn't know what was going in. He was furious btw as he had already mentally spend his inheritance 😆.

True, but that's not the same as ignoring the needs of an OK parent you're not close to. Doing anything is better than nothing- weekly phone call, twice yearly visit, whatever.

It is really disappointing and unfair. I don't think you'll change them but I personally would mention it if only to lay down a bit of a marker and remind them that at 90 it could be their last chance to visit her. That's on them of course. They probably won't step up though because they see it as your responsibility.

I sometimes wonder about people who can't be bothered to visit their elderly relatives, assuming it is some other sibling's responsibility - they never seem to be able to imagine themselves stuck in hospital, surrounded by strangers, constant intrusions from staff taking their blood pressure, maybe even difficulty feeding themselves and how important it might be at that point to see a relative or familiar friend walk through the door.

Call your brothers and tell them that on Wednesday brother x visits and on Sunday brother y visits. It’s not up for negotiation. Tell them your mum will be going into a very expensive care home and there goes their inheritance, irrespective of what is in your mum’s will. It will help concentrate their minds. When my mum was in hospital, my son was only 18moths, and I would have a 3 hour round trip, my brother’s attitude was that I was visiting so it was ok. My youngest brother, the favourite, let my mum down every time he made arrangements to see her. In the end I told him what he was going to do and that I didn’t care how inconvenient it was to him. The fact that I was quite aggressive in my attitude towards them gave them both a good shake.

I would suggest contacting your brothers and tell them they need to visit your Mum so could they tell you which days they will be going. It does get to be too much for one person so you could ask for their help.

Actually, yes it is

And your point is?

It is important to acknowledge this - sometimes it is the healthier option to walk away, particularly where the parent has prioritised their relationship with a partner over your safety as a child. I don't think that is likely to be the case with the OP's brothers though - they are much more likely to have been raised to see it as the sister's responsibility but you're right to point out that relationships with parents are complex and some parents shouldn't expect support from children they have failed.

Surely if they realise it's emotionally draining for them they should realise it is also emotionally draining for you too

As others have said, you and your OH are probably feeling so tired and down with all the caring responsibility. The thing is, your brothers also witness these increasing care needs. Objectively, these care needs will increase and increase. Even if you did get them to step and share the visiting and caring load, your mother’s care needs will eventually consume all that extra capacity and some! You brothers may be disinclined not because they don’t want to help right now, but because they don’t want to be forced to go down the path you’re on. They know that whatever they step into is not going to be a one off.

If she needs a care home, and it does sound that way then you need to get planning for it. Does your mum have a social worker? The hospital should be able to assist you with the logistics but you’ll need to visit different places and look at the finances. Make sure she is claiming all the allowable benefits to put towards her care.

Taking her home just doesn’t sound possible without the disruption of multiple carer visits a day. From experience I can say it’s absolutely exhausting and your home does become a mini care home, just one without 24 hour staffing or any days off.

If you post on the elderly parents board you’ll get lots of good advice.

And obviously YANBU to want support and concern from your brothers but unfortunately they sound useless. I’d be very inclined to push them and guilt trip at least some calls but there is a big group of men ( nearly always the men) who just won’t do it.

You decide what you are happy to do any you do that. What they do is their own business. If you are happy visiting twice a week then you visit twice a week. You can’t decide that they should do the same.

I think it’s not going to happen, they aren’t going to step up now.

you can in most areas get respite care if your mum will agree, if she knows you need a break.

Whilst it may help you for them to visit her, YABU to expect them to do it.
I’m not particularly fond of saying this but I know that my DH wouldn’t willingly cross the road to visit his mother, let alone the town. Our DC feel the same way too.

His sister may not understand it but the reality is that her beloved Mum was a very different Mum to DH. Perhaps your brothers feel the same way?

Given your heath issues, can you make arrangements to video call her occasionally instead? Cutting out even one trip a week could help take the pressure off. She might even benefit from the rest.

My gran is like this. My mum does the majority of everything, always has. It got worse in the early years of dementia. We were out for a birthday meal, she was excited to get a photo with all her boys, (other sister couldn’t make it) she didn’t want one all 4 together or just with my mum. She never really wanted girls.

She has been an amazing gran. But as I’ve got older, reflecting back, she wasn’t a great mum to the girls. Not negligent but blatant favouritism.

This! My brother and sil would say my mum is marvellous- she’s been round to theirs three times this week playing the doting grandmother and cooking for the whole family. She drives past mine to get there and I and my kids haven’t seen her for three weeks. She’s never done any childcare or babysitting for me. Trust me, when the time comes I won’t be visiting.

Im pretty sure my mum will say she’s spent three days looking after grandkids this week; but as far as I’m concerned it only goes in one direction. My brothers marvellous mother certainly isn’t mine.