AIBU to expect my brothers to help visit our mother in hospital?

Of course they should! Find out why-is there an abusive partner stopping them? Are they seriously ill? Disgusting that they're not going. Even if you didn't work/had more time, they should still go sometimes.

Sorry to hear about your mum. Your story sounds rather like what happened with my brother when my mum went into hospital. I was visiting her every day,he visited her once during the 2 weeks she was in hospital. Prior to her going into hospital,I had been looking after her as best I could (I live a 30 minute car drive from her,plus I'm disabled) while he,who actually lived with her, barely did a thing to help her. Afraid I don't have any advice to offer. Men just seem useless in the face of illness.

It’s very common that the sister/sisters are landed with the full responsibility of care of elderly parents. My partner was happy to allow his sister to do all this and it made me think less of him, and I told him so, so he bucked up a bit.
I imagine this will happen to me too, as my own brother is useless- fully enabled by our mother.
Im sure the brothers will have their hand out for any inheritance, ask them to name the days they will visit, and actually make them say that they expect you do all the grunt work, they might be embarrassed in to it, but it’s unlikely.

a variety of this thread comes up regularly.

1 sibling doing everything. Other siblings doing nothing.

the sibling doing everything resents the others and feels they should step up.

the reality is that everyone will do what they are happy to do.

for some that is constant visiting.

For others it is doing nothing.

no about of ‘shoulda coulda woulda’ will make someone step up who doesn’t wants to.

it may seem morally wrong or unfair but it is what it is.

each sibling sets their own terms of the relationship with their parent and does what they want or don’t want to do.

you can’t make a sibling step up.

you must concentrate on doing what you are able to do and asking for statutory support via care assessment or your parent buying in their own care.

don’t waste your time and energy on expecting your siblings to have the same sense of care and duty that you have. It will just make you resentful and bitter.

I would ask your brothers to visit and be clear about how often, a) she wants to see them and b) it gives uou a break. Once a fortnight each and a text or phine call in between? They may refuse but at least you have been clear and they isn't say they didnt know it was a problem. And one or both of them might surprise you. My brother agreed to do monthly visits - he lives a long way away - a d its been so helpful.

You are disabled. Your husband is disabled. Caring for her at home is too much for you now. If she's not happy with that, that's on her. It's not fair for her to put the burden of her care on you, at the expense of your health and your husband's health.

The inheritance is also not your problem. Even if there is anything left it will be split three ways between you and your brothers. Meanwhile they are doing nothing, not even texting her or calling her, while you are sapping your health tending to her needs. Sometimes, money doesn't compensate for lifespan, and in this case, you may be sacrificing BOTH so that she remains happy while you and your husband suffer.

You can ask your brothers to visit her and maybe within a schedule that suits you as pp have mentioned.

With regard to rehab facilities, the OT and physio will assess mums abilities and start a rehab programme based on what she needs to be able to do to return home, eg in and out of bed,
washing and dressing, stairs,
making a hot drink etc.
The team will be constantly assessing her and working towards her goals and should involve relevant family.

You need to very strongly set boundaries, eg if mum says oh my daughter will do that you can state exactly what you can manage/are prepared to do.
You won’t need to make any decisions initially, it will depend on her progress.

In some facilities they may move mum to a care home if a decision hasnt been made or if she is going into care but some rehab facilities will extend the rehab period; it will
probably depend on how well she is doing.
At that point you can be very clear on whether she can come back. in my experience in the very elderly rehabilitation is often a slow process.

It would certainly be worth visiting a few care homes to get a feel for the place but if it comes to it you may be very limited with choice.

It would be worthwhile to ask to meet the OT and discuss the situation fairly soon after she is admitted to rehab as she will be assessing her abilities and needs and you need to be open with her about the home situation

And me not coping with it all by myself is the reason they are in a care home and not still managing badly at home. They are whipping through their money with the cost of it so I doubt any of us will receive an inheritance but it’s so worth it to know that they are safe and being looked after properly and I am a different person without the stress and worry of them. My visits now are social and a pleasure rather than trying to keep on top of managing them and keeping them safe. Sounds like a good option as You need to take care of yourself and hubby. Huge hugs. It’s not easy.

So your Dm expected that you would look after her, but didn’t have the same expectation of her sons?
FWIW when my DF was in hospital for a long time, my DBs visited far less often than me and my sister, until such point that DF was up and about. However, even if they’d visited daily, I would still have visited as often as I did because I wanted to.
Why not cut down your frequency and phone her instead? It’s not like she’s sitting in her own house alone.

I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to go so often when it’s not necessary. I would go once during the week and once each weekend.

None of you are obligated to visit, OP. If you want to visit less often, then.....visit less often.

Yes they absolutely should be supporting you, i have a cousin and she does everything for her parents including being the emergency contact for the care home etc etc. Her 3 brothers find is too upsetting to be involved!
It is just selfish to let you carry the burden

@YourNattyGreyViewer the rehab plan sounds a good one and gives you a bit of time to investigate the next steps. When looking do consider whether she would be able to stay until the end of her life. Some care homes aren’t equipped for this and will require a move to a nursing home which is a disruption to the poor resident.