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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

386 replies

derFutterneid · 06/09/2026 07:38

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

OP posts:
EvieBB · 07/09/2026 09:16

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:31

Also, surely if you are a manager, and your department is losing revenue, it’s your job to find out why and if you don’t know why, you shouldn’t be doing that job? Then if your subordinate raises their head above the line and says “I know why” don’t shoot the messenger.

Show quote history

Absolutely!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/09/2026 09:31

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 08:31

Also, surely if you are a manager, and your department is losing revenue, it’s your job to find out why and if you don’t know why, you shouldn’t be doing that job? Then if your subordinate raises their head above the line and says “I know why” don’t shoot the messenger.

Show quote history

As PPs have said, someone with much more experience offering these kinds of solutions can feel like a challenge to freshly minted "managers" who should have found them themselves. As with your appraisal they simply don't have the skills to do things properly yet, but rather than acknowledge this they'll seek someone else to blame

Glad you handled it so well yesterday, but hope (and expect) the job hunting will go well. They won't appreciate being challenged and are probably already making excitable and ill informed plans about getting you out on capability

Ifyounevergiveup · 07/09/2026 09:55

I agree with @Puzzledandpissedoff . Watch your back. I think it’s admirable that you’re going back (although I advised against and stand by it!) but be aware you’re now in a game of chess until you leave. Big hugs.

edited to say: keep notes of all conversations. I was chucked out of my first NMW job in my probation period and the evidence was conversations which were literally made up by the other two women in the office (same issue as you, unqualified manager, me with 15 years’ Board experience). Sadly these people are too lacking in experience to believe that anyone would actually WANT their NMW job, so they see you as a threat. FWIW I went back into my previous field and have had my happy little NMW job for five years now. You’ll find the right one in the end. Btw it took me a year to get over the sting of being lied about, even though I knew exactly what had happened and why. Brains are weird!

ByDreamyMember · 07/09/2026 10:01

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 06/09/2026 07:40

Leave. Your health is more important. It sounds like a very toxic place.

100%.
Please consider leaving as soon as possible.
It sounds like you know you will have to, deep down. You've got this!

Beachtastic · 07/09/2026 10:14

I'll do my job, and be pleasant but that's it

Why? Why not tell them to shove it up their arse, OP? What would it actually take for you to do that?

Greenscreennightmare · 07/09/2026 10:37

You're obviously a conscientious worker, going the extra mile regularly and priding yourself on never taking sick leave. Unfortunately in today's market you are seen as a dinosaur and people will find your efficiency intimidating. Ridiculous I know but that's how it is. (I'm older than you and have experienced all of this myself).

Honestly, you have 2 options. Go in, smile smile smile, do the absolute minimum, agree with whatever management say. Prepare for leaving on your own terms before they succeed in managing you out - which they are intent on doing.

Or go against your instincts and get signed off for stress, prepare for your other job. I know you've said you're going to do the first option but really you owe them NOTHING. You're on the path to a breakdown. Drop the rope and breathe. It's past time to look after yourself.

Notquitethetruth · 07/09/2026 10:42

Well done @derFutterneid . Brilliantly managed by you. Did your manager explain why the issues had not been raised in appraisal? Poor management on their part.
Great attitude from you going forward.
Good luck.

H00vervlawnmower · 07/09/2026 10:47

One option eould be to give back all tbe exra work that you do.
Train someone else to do the extra work

Tell them that as you are not appreciated, you will not cover your boss when the boss is not there

H00vervlawnmower · 07/09/2026 10:48

Ref above

Or they pay you extra to do these extra parts of your job

Ethelspagetti · 07/09/2026 11:13

I hope you’re doing okay and they’re not giving you any more stress. They’re expecting a bit too much from someone in a minimum wage job aren’t they?! Glad you told them that! I hope you find a better job with good vibes.

RunningForCalm · 07/09/2026 11:23

Leave immediately

RunningForCalm · 07/09/2026 11:34

Efrogwraig · 06/09/2026 08:42

Speak to ACAS. Ask about constructive dismissal claim. I am assuming you are not in a union?

I carried reading the full thread and had exactly this in mind. I think you might have a case for constructive dismissal. The working conditions, excessive responsibility, plus ridiculous appraisal all forcing you to leave a job you don’t really want to leave and which they can’t fire you from. Are voluntary redundancies coming up and they’re worried you’ll go for it with way all your (expensive) years behind you? It smells fishy.

RunningForCalm · 07/09/2026 11:35

Apologies …. Still not RTFT (honestly, not like me). I see this has been discussed to death.

Radioheads · 07/09/2026 13:13

Good for you OP.
What absolute users.
Now you know, you 100% suit yourself and offer nothing beyond the BMW job.

Keep careful notes yourself and it is worth a call to ACAS about how you protect yourself.

You are BMW but getting into trouble for not doing your managers job.

Detailed notes are your friend here.

Daisymail · 07/09/2026 17:53

Still think you should leave, why put yourself through this? You will be second guessing everything you do and say. Leave them to it, they sound absolutely awful.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 19:50

I have a meeting with my other job this week. If I can up my hours, which is what it is about, I’ll then hand in my resignation.

OP posts:
Ethelspagetti · 07/09/2026 20:02

derFutterneid · 07/09/2026 19:50

I have a meeting with my other job this week. If I can up my hours, which is what it is about, I’ll then hand in my resignation.

I wish you all the best and hope you get what you want 🌺

Sewingbeedamned · 07/09/2026 20:30

I have my fingers crossed that your other job will be able to offer you more hours. Are you in a union? This kind of bullying is exactly why unions are so important - no one should ever be surprised in an appraisal. The fact that you got feedback that shocked you is very poor management, and trying to make it your fault by saying that people are scared of you is just pathetic and spineless.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 08/09/2026 08:05

When I met with my direct manager on Sunday and I asked why had this not been brought up sooner, she responded that she had brought it up. Her way of bringing it up apparently was to say that she can see I have been stressed out and at times overwhelmed. I actually do remember her saying this, but it is a throwaway comment as she says this to many of us, but is not prepared to do anything about it. Also, apparently she walks past me (and everyone else) and says "are you OK?" That's her way of telling us that we don't look happy.

I told her that there is a massive gulf between "I can see you have been stressed" and "you are a thorn, got an attitude problem" and that if there was a problem, she should have pulled me a aside from the start and been a bit more direct.

I am feeling happier about my decision as the days go by, and I am also getting madder. I don't think I have grounds for constructive dismissal, nor could I be bothered I think. However, I am not very happy with some things that have happened. I do think there is a direct age-ism link here. For the first time in my life I now feel old. It is just a number as well which is the sad thing. Out of everyone I work with, young and middle age, I am actually the fittest and energetic! There is a reason why I am fully loaded up Pilates, yoga and other sports coach. During the meeting with the senior manager one of the things she said to me was "you aren't like the other older workers who have loads of ailments and are always off sick".

I feel like when I hand in my notice, I don't just want to go quietly, and I do think I want to report a few people who deserve to have their professionalism questioned.

OP posts:
keepincool · 08/09/2026 08:18

@derFutterneid I think you do have grounds for constructive dismissal. I understand your unwillingness to go down that route though. It's still worth talking to ACAS, especially after your conversation with your line manager. If you're feeling angry about it now, then get confirmation of your manager's comments in writing with a "just to confirm our earlier conversation..." email. It would be useful for any settlement negotiations. I'd be going after them now for every bit of compensation I could get, whether that's an ACAS settlement or tribunal win - but that's just me.

BeKhakiReader · 08/09/2026 08:35

Speaking from bitter experience here, just sort things out and leave. I know you’re angry and upset, but trust me, no one will give a shit about your reports. The people left behind will band up together and absolutely nothing will be done. Not worth the stress. Just move on.

UnwillingAdvocate · 08/09/2026 08:49

Please talk to ACAS. You may well have a case for constructive dismissal.

Original poster
derFutterneid · 08/09/2026 09:54

Gosh, there are lots of unhappy employees. I’m on hold to ACAS and I’m 73rd in the queue.

I bet a lot of them are from the same organisation as me.

OP posts:
Ifyounevergiveup · 08/09/2026 11:50

@BeKhakiReader is right. Please don’t think that leaving reports behind will result in anything. Your departure will have “solved” the problem and it’ll go straight in the bin.

The only way to get a modicum of revenge is to hit them in the pocket. The safest (I.e. no financial outlay) way to do that is to wait until your plans are clear then go in the sick until all your full and any half/quarter/whatever pay is exhausted. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but being a vengeful little creature myself, I would like to see you get a bit of your own back.

madaboutpurple · 08/09/2026 21:14

I agree that it could be worth going for constructive dismissal . Especially if the company decide to settle without a tribunal. It might help you set up your own Pilates business. ACAS can help. I think the company deserve to have a financial hit as they are treating you very badly and if they settle out of court then the company might decide to treat people better in future. I hope you decide on this. All the best OP.

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