AIBU to stop helping after injuring myself lifting elderly neighbour?

It's very kind of you all but really none of you should be trying to lift him back up - as you now know someone can get hurt. It could be the old person that fell or one of the helpers

Best to have a rota of people to go and sit with him when he falls and wait for the emergency services to come, telephone the family and tell them what has happened, with their blow up cushions and put him back up. The emergency services don't lift people for very good reason, they use the blow up cushions

hope you get better soon

As my gran got older she became a frequent faller. Her mobility had reduced which was fine during the day as she had aids and knew her limits. The issue was when she got up in the nights for the toilet as she would forget that she was an 87 year old who had had 3 hips replacements (2 one side, 1 on the other) and generally more frail than the 75 year old she still felt like she was.
My mum, a former nurse, was able to assist her to get herself up off the floor with the assistance of my dad for a while. My gran was mobile enough to do the moving she just needed the guidance of how to do it and a hand for support.
This was fine until her dementia progressed and now she couldn't be spoken through getting herself off the floor and needed more active lifting. My mum having retired from nursing due to a back injury. They then got her an emergency button and a lifting service who rolled an inflatable mat under her and use this to lift her. As her mobility decline and dementia advanced even this was no longer suitable and they hired a hoist, chair and medical bed until she passed away a few months later.

She was half the size she started at by the end but had gone from being able to take her own weight and be in the can manoeuvre herself with assistance to being a 40-45kg dead weight, that's an awkward shape and doesn't really want you to move as you want her too.

You can't always tell how injured a person is also, my mum had a bad fall down the stairs a couple of years ago. The paramedics assessed as possible rib fractures, 90% certain of broken arm. She was in pain but they weren't worried of neck and back injuries so with support of the paramedics she was moved to a seating position and transferred to a chair before being taken to the ambulance.... No broken ribs or arm but two fractured vertebrae! The Drs in A and E were very surprised when the X rays came back as they hadn't considered back injuries either. Thankfully, both were stable fractures and the movement didn't put the spinal cord at risk.

Not unreasonable at all ...stop he needs carers and proper help just stop ... tell his family you are no longer available to be called call an ambulance or call his own family.

My father kept ringing up the neighbours at 6.30 am when he’d had a fall and thought that was ok! The neighbours phoned me to try and persuade him he needed to go into a nursing home, but as usual he took no notice of me. He had a couple more falls and only then decided he needed to move to a home.
Please don’t help them anymore and put your own health first.

I was looking after an elderly relative with Parkinsons related dementia who often fell out of bed and sometimes in the day. I was told to call the ambulance service when this happened as I was not able to lift him safely. I felt awkward doing this but was told to do it as either he or I could get injured. While waiting for the ambulance make as comfortable as possible and keep warm and hydrated. The paramedics were great. Even though busy they explained it was part of their role and no problem. If someone is.alone they should have an emergency button on their person as when pressed this goes straight through to professional help.

'carers etc do have a duty of care. If someone (especially when already frail) is left on the floor for multiple hours it can quite easily go from - just needed a quick help up/carries on with day, to event that causes significant harm/potentially death due to duration on floor. The ambulance service will just say - we were delayed to excessive demand it's unfortunate (and will be able to prove call volume etc). Carer will say "no lift policy". And we all just leave the elderly patient to suffer on the floor for hours.'

• this is true, but I think it does depend a lot on the situation. If equipment can be used and/or there are multiple carers/person is light then yes. Otoh I don't think a carer has a duty of care to the point of injuring themselves: I care for an elderly family member myself, if they fell I would do whatever I could but it would be dangerous as they are very overweight and I'm not particularly strong. I wouldn't blame a carer necessarily if that were the case, it depends if aids could be used etc

It's not carers' fault that ambulances are so overstretched. Nor is it ambulances' fault...

Another issue is that rightly, women can choose female carers and most do (and most carers are female anyway). But on average men will find lifting etc easier.

We were told to call 111 if DH takes a fall and I'm there, if he's in his own he's been told to call 999

For goodness sake everyone, CALL AN AMBULANCE every time in this sort of situation. It's the official advice from the NHS.

You will very likely injure yourself, and you perpetuate the illusion that the faller can live independently - to them, their family, every agency who could be called upon to help.

There are in some areas. Mine has a falls pick up service available 7 days a week in office hours. They had a Camel but they’ve now got something better but whose name I can’t remember!

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. Each and every time you are called to help you should ring the kids and tell them they need to come and help. Rinse and repeat until they get the message that their parents aren’t able to live without support any more.

Somebody once told me it's amazing how quickly a favour turns into an obligation
He did all gardening free of charge for an elderly widowed friend who was extremely wealthy . When he inconveniently got cancer she was most put out and told him so . When he died pretty quickly she got a gardening service in once her showcase garden turned into a jungle although she never stopped complaining how he had let her down in her hour of need !!

The CF of a daughter …I’m mad on your behalf !! X

My mum was living at home with us and had a hospital bed in a downstairs room. She had dementia and kept falling out of bed. Because of the laws on deprivation of liberty they wouldn’t provide cot sides and when I asked what we were to do because it was happening every night and neither of us could pick her up, they said call an ambulance. Every single time.

@ThreadGuardDog You don’t know if their dc are pleading with them to go into a home though. They might be. Many people refuse to accept the inevitable and refuse to do anything. The dc might be in a very difficult position and maybe parents are ultra difficult? However all neighbours need to pull back and have a conversation with the dc. No one should injure themselves due to nursing or caring duties for neighbours. It’s time to say no.

I work in a supported living home with people with learning disabilities and, despite being trained with lifting, we're banned. We MUST call paramedics to get them up if they fall. It's actually a sackable offence if we do it. Not for our safety, but for the clients. Company doesn't want liability claims if we cause an injury

Glad you have so much support on this thread. You’re doing the right thing by calling for help instead of trying to lift him.

My lovely stepfather had a heart attack while trying to lift a large elderly neighbour after one of her many falls. After leaving hospital he told her he couldn’t do it any more.

My DM is 90 I cant force her to use the keysafe..............she refuses.
I cant force her to use hearing aids..........she refuses
I cant force her to use the falls alarm.............she refuses and wouldnt be able to hear someone talk to her (see point 2)
I cant force her to get a stairlift installed........she refuses.
Too late to downsize and she wouldnt have done it anyway.

Now how can the mental capacity laws be broken to enable this? Anyone there at the back blaming the adult children got any ideas? Id love to hear them.
GP surgery often doesnt get an answer when they phone her or do home visits because she cant hear the phone or the door. Then they phone me and ask me to contact her because ive apparently got some hidden magical power that will make her hear me when she cant hear anyone/anything else. Guess as its nearing Halloween with a bit of luck maybe i will be able to tap into this power 🙄

This.

OP I know you meant to be kind, but I think you've actually been terribly irresponsible. Not only did you risk injuring yourself (and I'm sorry you have), but there was a very real risk of injuring the person you were trying to help.

The correct response to these requests going forward is "let me call you an ambulance". And then by all means help by providing cushions / blankets / hot water bottle / etc to keep the disabled person as comfortable as possible, but do NOT try to lift them.

No way is this your job or anyone else’s who isn’t related! Say no!

As long as you’re polite it’s the sensible thing to do

You must NOT lift a fallen person, call an ambulsnce

You're not at all unreasonable. I am a support worker, we have training in moving and assisting people and we are told not to do anything that will injure us. Hope you're better soon

No. Its not unreasonable.

And your DH is right. The man needs proper support and the neighbours are unreasonable relying on you when its taking multiple people to respond to his fragility. That said you agreed to help, and you have agency so I wouldnt kick off at them for asking when you could have said no.

But id be making it clear, you arent helping physically aid the man again. You cant risk another injury like that.

yanbu, it’s the couples responsibility to ensure they have the correct support in the event of a fall.
To be brutally honest with one having Dementia and one being paralysed, they shouldn’t be living there, it’s not safe and practical.

I agree. I think what many people don’t understand unless they’ve engaged with care services is that if you’re judged to have capacity you’re entitled to refuse care, regardless of whether it’s detrimental to you or not. In which case there is nothing to be done until one or other of the neighbours has an event that leads to an hospital admission, where a care assessment would take place as standard. OP says one of the neighbours has dementia, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean they lack capacity. Hopefully a hospital admission would mean a proper assessment of that.