Husbands money

There is another side, if she’s saying she has access to his money, he was open about where he was putting it. And why, he wanted them to have savings , as he said if it was in joint account, it would be spent. I don’t understand why the op is repeatedly trying to spend it, and claiming she’s entitled to and he only earned it as she’s looking after the kids. So either they can’t afford to save it, and as such it should go in the joint account, or they can and she needs to leave it alone.

but right now, he thinks it’s savings, she thinks it’s for spending.

Doing overtime, making you further restricted in the house and keeping the money from you is wrong.

Do you believe that he is actually doing overtime?

It doesn't sound like it's his money vs your money, it sounds like spending money vs savings.

He specifically said he wanted to save this money and you immediately tried to spend it. I'd be annoyed too. If he had put it in a savings account would you have tried to withdraw it or was it just the convenience of it being cash? Why couldn't you just get some cash out of your joint account?

Why are you taking it, if it's for savings. Id be hiding it in future so you can't get your hands on it.

For heavens sake. If she needed to buy something for her baby and that was the only money available, why wouldn’t she grab it? Why does he get to decide to hide it?

You need to discuss finances and make a plan. Would a separate savings account with a manageable amount of money going in each month be an option? What would you have done if you couldn’t dip into the cash? Is it going to be his savings or family savings? Is he stressed being the breadwinner while you’re on maternity leave?

If you don’t have access to enough money then please return to work. Take advantage of the free childcare available to you. This is a slippery slope to financial abuse and you need to recognise it now before it’s too late. Hopefully him hearing that you intend to return to work (and therefore no longer being a free maid, free childcare, free parcel takerinerer) will be enough for him to change. Be honest will him but unemotional. Just say that recently he has made you feel you have to ask for money and that you feel frustrated, impotent and let down and that you think it’s in everyone’s best interests if you returned to work soon. And mean it. Being at work is easier than being at home, I have done both on rotation over 25 years.

Did you maybe misread, he didn’t hide it, he told her where it was. This isn’t he’s hiding money from her and depriving her, this is he said where it was and he wanted them to have savings, the issue here is can they not afford savings and this was all that was available, or was she jist trying to use it for ease.

I suppose it depends on how much you're spending and what you're spending it on

As for keeping cash like that on hand it's not exactly safe it's easy to lose it or get robbed

We need more information. Is all other money shared? Do you have any other savings?

I think its telling that he told you he wanted it saved and the first second you get, you spend some.

This is why I stopped sharing money with my partner (now ex). I know mumsnet is all for everything going into the one pot but that only works when youre both financially compatible. I was a saver and my ex was a spender. It caused so many arguments and I got sick of never having any savings for a rainy day. Or wanting to buy myself something but couldn't because he'd have the money spent before I could get to it.

Wrong post

I think there’s a few things going on here. Does he get paid in cash? I ask because I find the whole thing about saving the money in cash very odd. Why not put it into a joint savings account? It would be quite nice to have a bit of a buffer for any unexpected expenses. Staying at home looking after a disabled child and a newborn is extremely hard work and you are still recovering from manufacturing a whole new life and giving birth. Do not underestimate the enormity of what you have experienced and what you are doing. Having to ask for money is not OK, I don’t care if he’s doing extra shifts, so are you. He goes out to work and gets paid while you do the heavy lifting at home and get what? As for saying you “owe him £40” in front of your Mother I’m disgusted. This is not good and I would call it financial abuse. I wonder if there are other behaviours that you haven’t realised are abuse?

If he puts the overtime money in the joint account, are you just going to spend it?
It sounds to me like he thinks the money has to be kept completely separate or there's no chance of actually saving any of it.

Where does it say the husband is withholding money. It's the overtime money he wants to save

Nothing about him withholding the day to day money

If the only money available for something necessary for the baby is "savings" then they (jointly) need to rethink their approach to savings and potentially put less in savings and more in the joint account. And if this is the case then DH's "overtime" becomes less overtime and more "essential money to fund the household".

I agree. And he’s obviously right because as soon as she knows where it is she’s spending it.

If it is for savings it ought to.go into an account where it will earn interest but I would not expect you to dip into it for every day expenditure without prior agreement. Maybe this is why he feels the need to hide money.

And yet the reality is always the opposite

Where was the JOINT decision when she decided to take it?

No wonder he felt the need to hide it i his wallet, do you have spending issues OP?

I don’t believe my window cleaner takes a Tesco delivery as payment. 😂

She didn’t take all of it. If he’s not planning to consult on using any of it, I’d have taken half actually. Now we are equally deciding what to do with the money we both put time and effort towards and if he doesn’t like that he can stay home and pull his weight.

I wonder how that would work.
Op takes half. Spends it. Then expects the half her dh has saved to be used for her benefit as well.
Taking half each is fine, but then dh does what he wants with his share.
If it was me, I'd be putting the overtime money in my own savings account, so it couldn't be spent mindlessly.
Obviously if there was no other money for op to buy essentials with, that is a different matter. But surely that would have been stated in the original op.

I agree it’s not cool to just grab it for spending like the op has, but it’s a far greater issue that the overtime isn’t jointly shared. That would be the hill I die on, unless the op is hiding secret spending issues and simply can’t be trusted with money.

Nothing op has said about dh and the overtime money suggests that it is being saved so that he can spend it on himself/ his hobby. He refers to 'we' when talking about it. So from the op, it sounds like he wants them both to have this money as savings. Which is very sensible. Dipping into it at the first opportunity (just because it's there) isn't.
Of course op could insist on taking her 'half' now but then what. Spend it unnecessarily, so there are no savings for the whole family to benefit from. This situation would drive me mad, a financial mis - match.
Maybe op will return to clarify whether this was actually the only money available for necessary spending. As that would change some of the answers on here.

Women often say this. What's to say his parents wouldn't have the children?

I fondly remember my sil saying to her husband "if it wasn't for me you wouldn't be able to go for Thursday drinks after work" to which my mil said "I have the kids Thursday nights what are you on about?"

Back to the point. I wanted a weekend car this year, something fun. I picked up extra hours at work to get this. I worked for the money for something I wanted. The rest of the family get enough out of me thanks