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AIBU?

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Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

165 replies

Janefx40 · 04/09/2026 15:03

Never done an AIBU before but hopefully not too contraversial.

My Dad is turning 90 next week. Still has most of his marbles if that’s relevant. I’ve taken the afternoon off to spend with him and we’re having dinner in the evening.

He rang last night to beg me not to drive but get the train - he kept saying “please agree, just for me, because I’ll be so anxious otherwise” (very much not like him to talk like this). I usually drive. It is motorways but not that far.

it takes 45 mins to drive. It takes 90 mins to 2 hours to get the train and costs me £40! Not to mention that I then have to stand in a station late at night and walk back to my car in the dark!!!

I have reluctantly agreed - he’s only 90 once but it slightly screws up my day (was going to work in the morning but this would eat into the time - but it is possible to take it off).

My brother thinks I should lie and drive. My partner thinks I should just openly refuse to get the train and should drive.

Am I being unreasonable to agree to my Dad’s request?

You are being unreasonable and should drive (tell him or lie either way)

you are NOT being unreasonable to agree to get the train just this once.

OP posts:
kiwiane · 06/09/2026 20:22

I’d suggest that you just meet in the day if driving in the dark worries him so much. I’d be wary of humouring his requests in case they continue to escalate.

OneNewEagle · 06/09/2026 21:12

Janefx40 · 06/09/2026 09:09

i just spoke to my Mum who also thinks I should just drive anyway like I always do. But anyway I got a bit more info from her.

yes he’s really worried about me/us dying before he does as he lives longer.

as I thought he has characterised driving in the dark as too dangerous for everyone not just him because he is older.

it is just about the darkness and she thinks he wouldn’t mind me driving during the light.

she thinks I should just not come at all but then she finds everything stressful and always wants to cancel everything anyway!!! And it’s his birthday and I’ve gone to the effort of taking time of work so one way or the other…I’m coming!

Drive over on the day during daylight. Have a lovely day with your mum and dad then stay over and drive home very early morning. He’s just worrying about you that’s all. And happy 90th to your dad.

Sussexhaven · 06/09/2026 21:14

You’ve said this is out of character and he’s 90

Just go with - ok Dad no worries, see you xyz day.

Then drive and see how he is, don’t park outside! He may have declined cognitively unfortunately. He might need a GP review etc.

RadarEars · 06/09/2026 22:06

bumblingbovine49 · 04/09/2026 15:11

Look he is saying he will be anxious if you drive, so if you want to save him the anxiety then lie and say you got the train and drive . You may have to park a bit away

Alternatively a more adult response is to just say clearly, "I'm sorry you will be anxious dad, I am driving becaus the train will make my day very difficult to manage and that makes.me anxious . I love you and I'll be careful. Anyway .... "then change the subject

I am sure people will tell you the first is not ok, but I might do that if I knew my dad might get extreme and refuse to meet or celebrate if I drove.

I just would never allow someoneone's completely unreasonable anxiety to affect my life in this way, however old or young they are . It is just not something I would.tolerate so Iid lie if I had to though I'd avoid that if I could.

It could be because of recent events of people driving the wrong way on motorways, that is maybe why he is anxious, although his daughter would be safer in her car than on a train I would have thought.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 06/09/2026 22:56

CrowsInMyGarden · 06/09/2026 20:05

@MumsTheWordYouKnow what I meant was if OP did what her dad wanted to avoid a car accident but then she was in a train crash he would feel guilty as it would have been his fault she was on the train

Ok, but pretty unlikely really.

Ilikebluewhataboutyou · 07/09/2026 10:53

I think driving to one station away so that you appear to arrive and leave by train, but actually drive most of the way, is genius! Can also say you took a train without lying!

Janefx40 · 08/09/2026 14:11

Thank you everyone! I have taken the advice of many and driven to a station that is easier to get home from - it is a shorter drive home than driving all the way so hopefully it is both a white lie and a compromise.

Wishing you all to be as healthy and able to make unreasonable demands of our relatives at 90!!!

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/09/2026 14:25

I was in the drive anyway camp, but I think it's sweet that you've taken the time to appreciate that his insistence is not about ego but because he really is concerned about your well being.
I also liked your Friends example.
It seems like you've found a good compromise for this occasion.
I hope you have a lovely time celebrating together

BunchOfFlours · 08/09/2026 18:11

Maybe he's bought you a Ferrari and wants to make it easy for you to drive it home...?

Whatever you decide to do, treasure him and wish him a happy birthday. I hope you both have a lovely time.

Serensnanna · 08/09/2026 21:02

For context, I'm 76 DH 80. ( I'd be much more worried by the thought of you alone on a station and walking to your car alone in the dark ! ) But also : you mustn't pander to your Dad's fears, however much you love him! Reassure him but tell him youll do what you think best: quite possibly if you go by train he'll worry about that just the same as if youd driven : its what happens as we get older, we worry more!

Janefx40 · 08/09/2026 21:19

BunchOfFlours · 08/09/2026 18:11

Maybe he's bought you a Ferrari and wants to make it easy for you to drive it home...?

Whatever you decide to do, treasure him and wish him a happy birthday. I hope you both have a lovely time.

Love this!!! 😂

OP posts:
Janefx40 · 10/09/2026 12:02

So I parked at a station. Dad had a lovely time. When I got back to the car park the app wouldn't work so I called the helpline number and they said I had 24 hours to pay. Obviously I forgot when I got home and now have a £60 fine! No good deed goes unpunished eh?!!!

OP posts:
IAmKerplunk · 10/09/2026 12:11

Janefx40 · 10/09/2026 12:02

So I parked at a station. Dad had a lovely time. When I got back to the car park the app wouldn't work so I called the helpline number and they said I had 24 hours to pay. Obviously I forgot when I got home and now have a £60 fine! No good deed goes unpunished eh?!!!

Oh no OP - sorry but it did make me laugh 🙈 would your dad find it funny if you told him?
My dad is 82 and I totally understand what you mean about them feeling better if everyone can’t do something rather than just them. It’s a tricky line to walk.
Glad your dad had a lovely time though. You sound like a lovely daughter

IAmKerplunk · 10/09/2026 12:13

BunchOfFlours · 08/09/2026 18:11

Maybe he's bought you a Ferrari and wants to make it easy for you to drive it home...?

Whatever you decide to do, treasure him and wish him a happy birthday. I hope you both have a lovely time.

Brilliant 🤣

MyMilchick · 10/09/2026 12:13

What's his issue? I would say no, he can't be allowed to dictate stuff like that

ETA : Sorry only just saw your updates!

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