Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

Drive, say you couldn't get the train after all as you needed to work in the morning.

Next time just say no!

Tell him you'll think about it and then just drive, he'll see that nothing bad happened when you arrive safely

just explain to your dad that the car journey is easier and you consider it safer ...

@Janefx40
I would just have no more discussion with him about it. Change the subject... go to the loo.. anything..
I'd then drive, park around the corner and just don't mention it other than to say "good journey.. isn't the weather blah blah" Once there what are you going to do. Don't say you've driven. just start talking about something else.

He's got a bee in his bonnet about it and is just going round and round , but I think if you can change the conversation he would be easily distracted.

Sorry Janefx40, Its hard, but really all the disadvantages of the train you've mentioned are worse than the car.

Let him think you'll be taking the train then drive and say there were problems with the train or you couldn't get away from work in time to get the train, so you HAD TO drive.

Exactly. OP, is there any chance he wants you to drink with him? If not, and it’s anxiety re. driving, then push back. I had an issue with my DF fussing over me driving in the dark in the winter- but my DB confirmed he does not do the same to him. We both drive the same type and age of car, so he’s not worried about mine being older - he’s just got an issue with women driving without a bloke in the car. He’s accepted it now, and my DSM had a go at him about it as well.

His fears are illogical. If you give in to this, there will be something else further down the line, and you will end up with him not wanting you to drive at all.

For what it's worth, my grandparents hate me driving, because the roads are so much busier these days, and it seems stressful to them - but to me it just seems normal, as that's how I learned!

I would have no qualms lying to a 90 y/o parent and driving in this situation. Its about making them feel less anxious.

Just tell him what you have told us and it’s not safe for you to get the train home that late

I would just drive to the penultimate railway station and take the train one stop.

Keep to this to yourself and don't tell anyone, even your brother.

Unless your dad is hoping you have a few alcoholic drinks.

Will you be drinking that's my first question.. and he's 90 he's not going to have many requests forever.

Finally ask him what has made him feel this way

Tell a wee lie - I'd phone and say something like, "Dad, I've looked up the trains but there isn't one I can get that will get me there in time because I've got to work in the morning, and I'll also have to leave early and I'd rather spend extra time with you on your birthday. So, I'm going to drive, but I'll leave in plenty of time and drive very carefully and I'm really looking forward to seeing you." And perhaps finish with asking him a question about something else so he doesn't immediately make a fuss. Tactics!

Do you think he might be anxious after hearing about the horrific wrong way crashes recently? I work with the elderly and I know several of them haven’t really understood what happened and seem to think it’s happening more than it is.
Perhaps have a chat with him about what it is he is worried about. But I wouldn’t allow his anxieties to dictate what you do

Just lie OP, make him happy. If he was a partner or parent aged 50 I'd say he's being controlling and ridiculous, but come on, he's 90 and clearly getting confused. When we are very young or very old, white lies can't hurt. I hope my children humour me like that, if I get to this stage.

I wouldn't go to any trouble staging a convincing story though, I'd just park one street away from the restaurant and if questioned say "yes of course I caught the train dad, anyway how about that [other topic]...."

Of course it's fine to lie to him, he's demanding something stupid and causing distress to others by doing so, it's not his place to tell you not to drive and you don't owe him an explanation about this. Lying is not always a bad thing, sometimes it's a kindness to yourself.

People who claim you should always tell the truth are lying when they say that. When it's your own private business - such as how you plan to get to an event that in no way affects anyone else - it's absolutely fine to withhold information or flatly lie.

So lie, and drive there.

If you lie you might not forgive yourself.
Keep your word, book in overnight somewhere and take him out for lunch then next day before you get the train back.
If only I could have one more day with my father I'd suffer that inconvenience in a breath

Lol. Why on earth wouldn't she forgive herself for telling a fair and reasonable lie to a very old man who's demanding something stupid that makes her life shittier and that's not his business at all and in no way affects him if he doesn't know. Mental response.

I’d get the train so I could have a drink tbh

And he’d feel just as terrible if there was a car crash which is statistically much more likely hence his anxiety his daughter driving.

But Jane is happy and confident to drive so will be totally fine. I would drive but park out of sight.
Yabu @CrowsInMyGarden train journeys are safer.

Speak to him about why he’s anxious about you driving, that’s the real issue, not your mode of transport.

I'd get the train in a heartbeat. But I'm a terrible driver.

If I drove, I wouldn't lie, I'd just say "I decided to drive, it was fine".

Unless I crashed, in which case I'd say "I decided to drive, you were right".

I feel like there’s a reason he’s asking this besides being anxious for you. Maybe he was hoping you’d have a few drinks with him or something like that. Usually a reason behind being acting strangely!

Arrive and announce that, due to XYZ, you had to drive which ended up very fortunate as it saves you waiting alone on a platform late at night.

Also be extra happy that now you get to see him for longer. And also you get to bring cake. a casserole and take home some mending for him.

Don't lie but don't give him early notice of your travel - thus he won't be worrying.

I agree. And I always remain a bit puzzled on AIBU where, as here, 81% of people think the OP is being unreasonable, yet the overwhelming preponderance of replies are to the effect that OP is right and reasonable and her father, well, a bit of a selfish old man