To think my MIL is trying to break up my marriage

I'm sorry you're going through this - he sounds so petulant and selfish. He's being horrible to you but also to his children. How can he just stop reading a bedtime story to his son - because his mother thinks it's unmanly, and he should be out working instead?

I think you've been very patient, but you need to tell him now that unless he changes his attitude the marriage is over. You could try couples counselling to help him realise that your opinion of him is much more important than his mothers.

You will find a way to sort out finances/housing, millions have before you.

I think you need to stop doing anything for him around the house - he can do his own laundry, cook his own meals etc, though I suspect you'll still be stuck with keeping the house clean.

You were being very kind to encourage his mother to stay, this isn't your fault, this is your husband who's allowed her to poising him against family life.

You say that. Tell them what happened. Ask for advice.

Regardless, I think you need to write down the timeline. Have it in your own head.

Do you have your own bank account? Make sure your salary goes in to it. Only transfer in your share of he mortgage/ utilities to the joint account.

Is there anyone your DH is friends with that you trust? Tell them what has happened regarding his personality change. You need to log everything, and keep asking for help.

Women's Aid or Right of Women will understand perfectly the toxic dynamics in your home with your MIL and now your DH. This is emotional abuse and it is as illegal as physical and financial abuse.

It's heartbreaking that he is rejecting his own children and refusing to read to them or put them to bed. He is using his own children as tools to abuse you as he knows how upsetting it is for you to see your children being rejected by their own father.

Keep a record of your DH's abusive behaviour towards you and the children.

OMG they both sound like absolute nightmares and how dare her tell you to fuck off for doing something you thought was nice and inviting his toxic mother round! You didn't make him listen to her to this extent. It's there any way you can just book the holiday and go on it with DC? Take money out of v the joint v account. Of he doesn't want to parent he can pay for his kids to spend some time in a peaceful environment. Leave him on his own and tell him he needs to buck up his ideas or sell the house and split up. Something needs to be done Sharpish to get it into his head that his behaviour is unacceptable. Never seen her, speak to her, so much as send her a card from the kids etc ever again obvs.

Go on strike as far as chores are concerned?

What would happen if you put a complete stop to doing anything for him? I'm talking feeding yourself and the kids but nothing for him, none of his laundry, zero household stuff for him? Men don't change through talking, they learn from consequences. You need to go on strike and match him while still taking care of you and kids.

This sounds like a horrible situation, I'm sorry OP.

A thought I had reading your posts is that your DH also had a terrible time whilst your MIL was here, he is being a complete arsehole, but it is possible he's got himself worked up into a mental state that he almost unable to get himself out of. Could you/have you tried asking open questions to him about what he's feeling/his experience of the visit, approaching with a curious mindset, as a way to try and help him out of the hole he's dug himself?

(I still acknowledge that he's treated you badly, but could you put that aside for a bit, try and get back the person he was before?)

Do the same. Skip cooking, shopping, putting kids to bed. Use exactly the same words. See how long he keeps it up. In fact, go out! Leave him to it. Will he let them starve?

So now you don't do anything for him, you don't wash his clothes or cook his meals, and keep your legs crossed.

well i wouldn't piut the kids in the middle of this but yes skip anything you did for him.

Don't stay with him he's abusing you and ds.

Fair enough, I thought she lived abroad. If there is any danger of her. Owing in then I take it back

This is beyond going on strike to teach him a lesson. He is not only being emotionally abusive to you, but he is emotionally abusing his children. I would be making this clear as day to him, and if he is happy to continue this behaviour it tells you everything you need to know about him. Houses and joint mortgages are not worth traumatising your kids for.

Op you are quite clearly beyond talking. I would take the children and leave. Clear out as much money as you can and disappear without telling him. Take some emergency leave, find yourself some cheap accommodation, a couple of weeks in a holiday park where you start making a plan. Don’t answer his calls, send him a message.

“You are taking time to reevaluate your marriage. Since his toxic mother who he warned you about has visited he is no longer the man you married or the good father to your children you thought he was. He told you you don’t have to accept the change so that is exactly what you are doing. You are putting the needs of yourself and your children first. The once safe home you had no longer feels safe with his aggressive behaviour towards you and your children, so you are taking time out and will be contacting the appropriate authorities for advice including legal advice on keeping you and your children safe”. Then I would mute him for at least 10 days, not looking at any messages until you’re ready to.

Stop threating about the mil, she has no power over you or the family courts in the uk. She can spread as many lies as she likes they are worth shit.

OP this has got sadder and sadder with each update. Not even reading his kid a bedtime story?

Call women's aid. They see all sorts but honestly - you have lost your husband almost overnight. Your whole life is up in the air now. I am not sure how much more serious it gets? Agree with others on documenting everything. Women's aid or other similar charity are wonderful for having a non-judgemental woman at the other end of the phone to talk to. You need to try and sort out what has been going on and some help deciding what to do next. Lots of good advice here but good to talk nuts and bolts and timelines with someone who has seen it all before.

Hugs xxx

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

08082000247

I agree with this. If you work too, he should be doing 50% of things around the house. So stop doing ANY thing for him. No shopping, no cooking, no laundry, no cleaning "his area".

I hope you have separate accounts. If you have a joint savings acct., move 1/2 of that money into an account that only you can access. Make sure you ONLY pay your % of the bills and stick the rest where he cannot touch it.

He is winding up to leave and probably go back to his rich little mummy now that she has stepped back into his life. Put your children's passports somewhere where he cannot get to them and if there are authorities that you can inform that your children have no permission to leave the country, tell them.

You need to put a big wide fence around you and the children because you all need protecting in case my prediction starts coming true.

You mentioned could it be cultural differences? In you mil culture are men expected to be the wage earner and not involved with domestic or childcare ? You need to talk all this over with him and ask does he want a divorce as this is not the marraige you want!

The danger could rest in that her husband could take the children and go to his mother's who does live abroad. She cannot take the chance of what could happen. She has to keep the children with her.

Tell him and HER straight, both are being abusive! Do not tolerate this shit. Stop doing his washing, cook for you and your children. I don't care what his childhood looks like and trust me, mine was tough led by full on narky, spiteful, hateful adults, but I made me aware of myself over time, it is doable. Your DH doesn't get to use childhood as an excuse to be a cunt just because his Mum is one. Learned behaviours can be reversed if a person wants to truly take a look at themselves, realise patterns and start addressing them. He has stepped away from you and his kids because of a woman he has had no contact with until now, a woman who has thrown him back to being a child and he is thinking like one. He needs to shape up or shift out, sharpish

mmmm I'd do the prep first, get control of the money, hide the kid's passports plus whatever else is appropriate, maybe even leave. Once OP and the kids are safe, then is the time to let rip.

Wow--count your blessings that she lives far away. Your husband sounds like a mama's boy and if she lived nearby it would be a nightmare. Hope you manage to get things worked out.

I think you might be spot on--she's trying to put OP in her place. My MIL was horrible to me and when I finally left my marriage after almost 30 years (my ex would revert to age 10 whenever his parents visited) someone accidentally told her. She was in the beginning stages of dementia at that point, but she became very upset. I think she resented me and wanted me to suffer the same way she had suffered in her marriage.