To think my MIL is trying to break up my marriage

@Cakerose

This, OP, seriously.

This is an awful situation, that’s for sure. He needs a jolt to snap him out of it.

Wishing you the best!!

Sorry OP it sounds really tough and unfair 💐

then the silent treatment from dh when he is back from work followed by shouting - 'well you invited her didn't you, fuck off now' if I dared to say anything.

OP I don't want to kick you when you're down but I suspect this is key. There have been threads before on here where the man didn't have a good relationship with his mother but the wife/partner has overridden that because it's the 'right' thing to do, because it's 'family'. On those threads you always find it's gone tits up. You said at the beginning:

Anyway, she reached out recently eager to visit (she lives abroad) and while he was reluctant to host her for the 2 weeks I stupidly encouraged this - thinking it would be nice chance to get to know eachother and build some sort of relationship.
Oh boy was I wrong...

Yep, you were wrong. But too late now. He feels you didn't respect his choices and so is turning on you. Yes he's going way OTT with it. Whether or not that's as a result of his mother getting in his ear or his own feelings - or more likely a combination of the two - at this point you don't know.

The only thing I can suggest is that you apologise for inviting her against his wishes*. Whether or not he'll accept it I don't know. If he will respond, acknowledge his feelings. But it's the only chance you have of a reset.

*I know I'm going to get piled on for suggesting you apologise to an abuser, because his current behaviour is abuse. But - in my personal view - you do have something to apologise for.

OP, first of all I'm SO sorry you've found yourself in this situation, and while you did make the initial mistake of going against your husbands wishes and allowing her to visit, you did it with the best of intentions, so please don't blame yourself.

Sadly, from your latest updates I think your marriage is on a knife edge, and in your shoes I would be telling him that he has 24 hours to think about whether he wants to go back to where you were before his Mother visited, or whether he intends to hold his current position, and if it's the latter, the marriage is over and you will be filing for divorce. Rather than having a row, I would write this all in a letter, then put the kids to bed, put your coat on, grab your bag and keys, and put the letter in his hand. The idea of the letter, is that he will read it, but can't interrupt what you have to say, like he would if you were having a conversation. Stay out for as long as you can, in order to give him time to read the letter and ponder on what he wants to do. Then go home and go straight to bed, unless he tries to speak to you, in which case, just say "you have 24 hours from the minute I put that letter in your hand to make up your mind what you're going to do, we'll discuss it tomorrow after the children have gone to bed". If he starts to get angry walk away and try to ignore him, or if he should become violent, call the police on 999.

It's time for YOU to take control OP, up until now it's all been him and his Mother creating the narrative, but you have a choice as to whether you're prepared to accept this absolute shit show, that they have created, or whether you are going to stand up for yourself and your kids, and end the marriage.

Unfortunately you can’t reason with the unreasonable. Perhaps focus on yourself and the kids for a couple of weeks, make plans that are fun and distract you from the situation and then talk to your husband in a few weeks time when things have calmed down? Emotions seem very high at the moment so there is nothing to be gained by trying to talk or arguing. Sorry you are going through this and good luck - whatever happens this part will pass.

It sounds like this could be cultural? You said MIL lives abroad so is that somewhere that could be described as having more “traditional” (aka backward) views on family life such as that you should be sacrificing everything in your life to enable his career?
Maybe you could try something which is part of UK culture and tell her to mind her own fucking business and keep her prehistoric views to herself? Maybe at the same time ask your husband to grow some balls and stand up to mummy.

I'd put it behind me, focus on your children, yourself and your work.
Park it really she's not worth getting into an argument for, she's clearly not visited her grandchildren before so that shows what she's like.. he's just trying to impress her,sad really from a grown man.But i would just ignore her she wouldn't be invited again!

While this is the sentiment I can get behind, the reality of finances is different - neither me or him can afford to cover the mortgage independently, or cover our part and rent elsewhere.

You could live together until the house is sold (which is hard especially with kids) although it would be best for you and the kids to live with a family member if your husband won’t move.

You have a job and will have half the house sale so you can afford to leave him. You’ll need to find a house you can afford.

He doesn’t like his mum so why did you force him to invite her? Did you speak up straightaway when he lied to his mum? Did you defend yourself when he said those awful things to you? I don’t think your MIL is trying to break up your marriage - your husband is doing this on his own. He’s sexist and your children shouldn’t grow up to think his behaviour is acceptable (if you stay and accept it).

I’m sorry, this sounds like a really difficult situation and genuinely unexpected (in terms of your husbands behaviour, not MIL where unfortunately you gave her the benefit of the doubt she didn’t deserve).

The focus now is not so much on MIL but on husband, although I would still be wary of what level of communication he is having with her post-visit. You need to make him listen to you, which is easier said than done, but instead of saying ‘we need to talk’ you need to actually talk. You also do need to make it clear you’ll leave him if things don’t improve, I know you say that financially it isn’t possible, but actually it always is, although with compromises which I understand that you don’t want to put on your children. You also need to step back from providing the ‘good wife’ role he wasn’t from you, focus on doing what the children need but, for example, don’t wash his clothes, don’t serve him dinner, etc. and make it clear that if you can’t right now leave due to finances then you will at least leave in this sense. Show him you are serious as at the minute it sounds like he is getting his way. He obviously needs to get some therapy to deal with his family dynamic and feelings of inadequacy that two weeks with his mother brought up, and you need couples therapy separately. Stay strong and push, I hope he can return to the man you loved and married but if he doesn’t, it is imperative that you show your children that this dynamic is not what a healthy, loving relationship looks like and that it’s better to be alone than shouted at, undermined, and undervalued. You’ve reflected here on how his parents may have impacted him, don’t think that your children are immune to the damage of a dynamic like the one you have found yourself in.

Unpleasant as he is being, I think you need to see this from him point of view. He didn’t want his mum to come and stay - you refused to listen and it sounds like he has been deeply traumatised by this woman staying in his home for 2 weeks doing nothing but criticise him for hours.

He is probably absolutely furious with you for putting him in that situation and refusing to listen to him. I think that is the source of his behaviour - anger towards you for exposing him to such trauma.

I think until you properly reflect that you rode roughshod over his legitimate feelings by thinking you knew better, then his resentment is going to continue with him being passive aggressive and trying to punish you for putting him through such a traumatic encounter.

I think he needs genuine contrition from you and quite possibly some external support to deal with the fall out of being exposed to her toxicity.

Of course his current behaviour isn’t acceptable, but you need to understand where it is coming from, and why.

So I stand by my point. Get yourself snd your children out of there. Alot of women think they won't be able to cope but trust me, things get s damn lot easier without the man-child. tugging at mummification strings.

Well she is breaking up your marriage to a man child.

And that poster has been all over threads today trolling as hard as he or she possibly can. I wouldn't worry about engaging.

I'm sorry you feel that way. If you can't giggle at MDF then gid knows how often you crack a smile. Laughter is the best medicine, dont ever forget that.

It's a big pile of hooey. I felt like throwing up when I watched it. Robin Williams (RIP) should be ashamed of his role in it.

OP, do not leave your children with this man.

He has already demonstrated emotional cruelty toward his little boy (refusing to read the bedtime story) and has shown he is incapable of being the adult (during tantrums).

I think you need to start looking to a future without him. Take note of all the times he has rejected the children and left all their care to you.

Find yourself a real bulldog of a solicitor.

It's a classic, you have obviously never seen it and enjoyed one of Robin Williams seminal performances. RIP Robin

Mrs Doubtfire is a load of misogynistic tripe in which a perfectly capable wife and mother is reduced to the level of a simpering idiot.

Tell your husband he needs to decide who he loves and respects more, you or his mamma.

Give him one week to come to his senses, and at that point have the house valued and prepare to divorce.

A man who has a love/ hate relationship with his mother was never going to be a good catch. There's always baggage in a case like that.

Pop.a good film on like Mrs doubt fire and buy a bag of popcorn and try and build bridges. That's the secret recipe.

I think you need totalk it out with your DH. He cant just dump everything on you and expect things to be fine. You must stand up for yourself or you will end up being ill.

F that.

I dislike game playing, but he needs a rude awakening. Stop making excuses for him to the kids. If they ask why hes not doing ABC ask them to ask him. I would tell him you're visiting someone who's ill on Saturday, the kids are his and take off for the day. See how he copes.

I personally think the relationship is over, but I hope I am wrong and he grows a pair.

I think you might be spot on--she's trying to put OP in her place. My MIL was horrible to me and when I finally left my marriage after almost 30 years (my ex would revert to age 10 whenever his parents visited) someone accidentally told her. She was in the beginning stages of dementia at that point, but she became very upset. I think she resented me and wanted me to suffer the same way she had suffered in her marriage.

Wow--count your blessings that she lives far away. Your husband sounds like a mama's boy and if she lived nearby it would be a nightmare. Hope you manage to get things worked out.