To think my MIL is trying to break up my marriage

You mustn't do any cooking or laundering for him. None at all. Just look after the children and make sure they have everything they need. Do not do another thing for him.

You will need to get the point across that if he wishes to ‘focus on work’ to the exclusion of his wife and family he will wake up one day to no wife and family. If he wishes to continue in this way then you’d like to discuss the divorce. He’s changed so abruptly you will need to go for a shock tactic, do not slip into accepting this hoping it will get better. Agree with others, this is now a husband issue, appreciate that you can’t afford to be a single mum but you can’t afford to spend the rest of your life sucking this shit up.

Go to a solicitor, ask for advice on a divorce.

Let him know how serious his behaviour is. Because if he does not go back to who he was before his mum came to stay, then there is no future.

Do not pick up his load. Let the house get in to a state of need be. As long as you and the children are fed and well and you can get to work - leave everything else. He can sort his food, his clothes, everything.

This. If he’s not willing to engage in any discussions then just act as if he’s not there.

But I would sit him down one last time and tell him to LISTEN. I would not allow him to shout over me. I’d then lay out exactly how things are right now and why it’s completely unacceptable. If he becomes verbally aggressive or walks away then I think sadly your marriage is over.

I am finding it hard to believe that he’s gone through such a significant personality change after just two weeks of his mum visiting, though. Surely there were signs before?

Hmmm, he’s going to have to do quite a bit round the house when you leave him though! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I mean...take him at his word!

Make a change.

Pack yours and the kids bags....go to your mums/dads/brothers an air BnB. Tell him to get the house in the market. And to email you about any practical considerations.

Or, be an arse. Tell him you absolutely agree. That you will do everything house and child related and hamd your notice in. He has your notice period to get a job that pays the same take home as bith your salaries. Obviously you wont be doing this, but play him at his game.

Arse.

@Cakerose this is awful and I really feel for you. Your whole life has been upended in two weeks. Is there a friend or someone your husband trusts that you could get to speak to him?

ingrained messaging from parents is difficult to undo, clearly rather than dealing with his toxic upbringing your husband decided to bury it and distance himself from the source. The proximity of his mother and her views have clearly rattled him in an extreme way and his response and change in behaviour is almost inexplicable. The hold a parent can have over a child cannot be underestimated but for him to be so cruel to you as a result is entirely unfair.

As this has only just happened I’d give it a few weeks to see if distance from the mother allows him time to come back to his senses. I’m not sure it will but at least you’ll know if this is really who he wants to be. If he does start to come around and realise his error he will need to do a lot to rebuild with you but also needs to deal with why he was so easily influenced.

In the meantime I’d do as others suggest and do nothing for him, you don’t want to embed the idea that you can be his servant if he dictates it. Set yourself a deadline, say maximum 4 weeks. On that date sit down and calmly address the situation, suggest counselling but be firm this can’t continue. If he still sticks to his new views then let him know that you have been left with no choice but to end the marriage due to his behaviour. Before then get yourself some legal advice, not that you have to do anything but just so you are better informed should you have to go down that route.

I really hope that distance from his mum and a reality check from a friend will help. If not you’ve been left with no choice, this is no way to live. Best of luck.

This 100%. Do nothing for him.

And if he doesn't start doing more around the house then I'm afraid you have two options. Stay and do everything or end the relationship and live happily ever after.

Ok, that's your answer then. As others have said, stop doing his laundry. If you cook for the family at least don't serve his food. Act like you have separated but are having to cohabit. Go and see a solicitor to work out your options. Remember, he's opted out of your marriage first by refusing to do what he did in the past and refusing to talk. Do not buy into any BS that you initiated this by withdrawing your labour in the marriage.

Reach out to a domestic abuse charity for advice and support.
In the meantime stop doing anything whatsoever for him and move out of the bedroom.
No longer share a bank account.
He is not trustworthy.
Tell family and friends the truth.
If he no longer wants to be involved with the children and their care, then you need support.

Even the slightest hint of aggression, call the police.
IMO your marriage is over.

I can’t believe you are at this low point after only 2 weeks! Surely he recognises that your children miss him doing things with them, doesn’t he miss them too? I would try to get him back into sharing the children first and then work on other things. It is truly heartbreaking to see things fall apart so quickly. He does sound resolute in his decision but hopefully the children might turn him around. Is there a way you could go out and leave him with the children to give him a chance to reconnect with the old way he cared for them?

He’s had the “leave her and come home to mummy” speech hasn’t he?

Time to go, he can buy you out or the house needs to be sold so the assets are split.
If his family have so much money from working weekends etc they can help him buy you out.
He won’t want 50/50 childcare because that’s obviously your job.. what a muppet.

I’d be very, very tempted in your position OP to leave for say a week. Leave him with the children. Tell him you told me not to go on like this so I am doing as you said. If that doesn’t jolt him out of it and willing to talk, I think you are looking at divorce. Tbh it actually sounds like on the basis of mums advice, he wants to end the marriage and is behaving in a manner to make you want to do that so he can blame you for it. The only thing I suspect he hasn’t counted on is being left with the children. He has counted on staying at home and being as obstructive as possible whilst you separate and to wear you down until you agree to whatever he wants to just end it. Tell him you will have the children 50% once you have your own place. To do that he will need to put the family home on the market (or agree you will start to rent and stop paying towards the mortgage). Or you will return if he leaves. I know in reality obviously you would never leave your children but it will shake him from the little box he has nicely designed to put you in.

Id say to him you want to do couples therapy to decide if its worth staying togther.

So he hasn't got the emotional maturity to cop onto himself! Such a pity as you k ow he can do it, had done it before

You have a hard road ahead.

I hope you have outside support, can talk this through with someone you trust. You need to start thinking clearly as to what you can do to make your life less constrained by his anger. From doing nothing to counselling to separation and divorce. You do have choices

Best of luck managing his childishness and anger

So don't. If you accept this you will be accepting any piece of shit he wants to deal you from now on. If you own your own home get an estate agent out to value it for sale - make sure he knows. Go and see a solicitor - make sure he knows. If you rent then start openly looking at new rentals and tell him the deadline for telling the landlord you are not renewing - unless he wants to keep the rental on his own. Honestly I would never trust him again. one visit from Mummy and he has become the creature she wants him to be. Is this someone to yoke your life to? would you feel safe with him as your partner through life?

Oh, I think she intends to wait until OP moves out and then plant herself down , looking after her baby boy and also the kids on his time

Nooo!! She’ll be like a cuckoo in that nest as soon as OP is out of the door. She’ll hog not just her son, but the kids

Exactly this!! He wants better career and a good little housewife he may double his income very bloody quickly or stop spitting the dummy out and get with the bloody programme!!

Send DS with a book to Daddy saying very loudly: you know he always does this as he loves reading you stories