AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

If it were me and I was forced to return the dog to my sister it would also cause a permanent break in my family. I would resent them. I would resent the pain they caused my children and my other dog. Does your sister notice the change in the dog?

Don't give in. The dog is yours now.
Never mind what THEY want, what is best for you, your family AND the dog?
Dogs are not just toys to be shifted around on rotation. If the dog has settled with you & your lifestyle, KEEP HIM/HER. !!

What's that supposed to mean? She sounds very supportive of her sister? I think keeping the dog is the right thing to do although her sister may not see that now. I think she has too much on her plate anyway and the OP thinks this too. The OP is offering her sister help if she moves closer - pretty generous offer I think.

Absolutely THIS!!

I'd be suggesting to your sister that they get a puppy, I'm sure that will help her children settle.

Good for you for standing your ground.

How on earth does your sister (or anyone in the family) think taking on a dog during such a chaotic and turbulent time is going to make things easier - especially a high needs breed like a poodle! Absolute madness.

And based on your descriptions it sounds like she's heavily prioritising her wants over the best option for the dog, which says it all really.

She sounds very supportive of her sister?

I genuinely for the life of me cannot see how people have got that from this thread.

Don't give him back - it's not fair to him to keep moving him around.

Absolutely not. No way no how would I be giving the dog back. Nope 👎

Honestly, the people saying give it back are clearly not dog people. You are right. Pets are not toys. The dog sounds settled and happy. No way in a gazillion years would I give it back and frankly I would be telling my sister how selfish she was to even suggest it. Draw a line under it, tell her you will not be discussing it anymore and then hopefully she moves on from it

Yes. Yes i do

@WatchTheStormTouchDown

This.

A really hard, and horrible situation, but I think overall, you’re doing the better thing. I hope in time they all see that and it doesn’t harm the family dynamics too much for too long.

Hold firm.

The clearest thing that comes through in all of your posts is the power/control in the relationships. You’ve basically forced ownership of a dog in a situation where it sounds like your sister wasn’t keen to give him up in the first place.
what we also don’t know is the relationship DSis had with her ex-husband; did she actively want to go or feel pressurised into the initial move abroad? I’m interested you haven’t really referenced this.
i think on balance, I’d give the dog back. Because the human relationships here really matter - and it’s not like you’re sending him back to some awful place you had to “save” him from.

emotionally it’s hard, but then it’s a huge kindness to your sister and your nehphews/nieces - who will remember the kindness throughout their lives (or indeed, the cruelty of keeping their beloved dog). Depends on how you want to be viewed by your extended family

I was in your sisters position, but with my cat. I was going to Hong Kong so no chance of taking the cat. My sister agreed to look after her whilst I was away. The understanding was that I’d have her back when I came back. However, I finished up being away for four years and when I visited during my time away, each time I could see my beloved cat was more and more attached to my sister. By the time I came back permanently I just knew that she would be broken hearted to leave my sister, and my sister would feel the same. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for your pet, child, husband etc etc and it’s not just your feelings that matter. In my opinion, your sister needs to look at what’s best for the dog, and from all you’ve said, that’s definitely for it to stay with you. At the end of the day, like me, she choose to go. You can’t have it both ways!

100% YANBU by keeping the dog but I do believe you risk an enormous family rupture with this as it sounds like people have taken their stances (which annoyingly completely disregard your DCs feelings).

Is there any way you could get a puppy for your kids? We lost pets as kids and getting a new pet always really helped with the grief

Of course they could also get a puppy as a solution… but sadly you can’t rely on families to behave reasonably in my experience

I think if she’s going through a split she’s also more likely to behave unreasonably and pick this as her hill to die on. Sort of trying to cling to some sort of semblance of normality and stability (even though again I really do not think you are being unreasonable / she is)

Why do some people keep acting like if OP gives the dog back, the relationships will all magically be fine? That isn't going to happen. OP will resent the fact that her sister demanded the dog back in the first place when the agreement was clear, she will resent the rest of the family for pressuring her to give the dog back and her own kids will have to live with the cruelty of losing another dog when they already lost one not long ago which most definitely won't be what they remember as kindness throughout their lives. They would also know that OP put their cousins feelings before their own which could also potentially cause issues.

Lets be real here. The minute OP's sister asked for the dog back, a rift was always going to happen no matter what.

Her children have suffered enormous disruption and upset with the family breakdown.

I’d give the dog back, for their sake. Dogs, coming from abroad, used to have to into months long quarantine - they still remembered and settled back well with their original owners.

Your sister has enough on her plate without having to deal with a dog. Does she want it back because it represents security and a happier time? I'd keep it.

Oh what a good idea. Get a puppy that needs lots of time training it when you have 2 children doing clubs and hobbies and work 3 days a week. A puppy should not be left alone while mum works. Yes some people do leave puppies alone but they really should not.

Anyway look at OP's update this morning!!!

They were prepared to leave him and give him away permanently so its a bit rich wanting him back. She could easily get a new dog from a rescue. Keep the dog.

You seem determined to be right. For 3,5 years they owned him he was part of their family that has fallen apart now. Empathy is a thing not everyone has.
It isn’t great for anyone but their situation really sucks. Your family are right, he should go back. You will get over it.

If they wanted him, they should have taken him with them. It’s been deeply unsettling for him to move once already (I’m sure you’re lovely OP but however nice you are, you weren’t the family he’d grown up with!). He’s now settled with you and your other dog. I absolutely would not be returning him. You made your terms clear and they agreed. However reluctantly, they had other options. Keep the dog and your own children happy. Whichever route you go the rift is there now and you aren’t the one who has created it.

Sorry OP just seen your update. Sorry it’s such a tough time. And yes, still keep the dog.