AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

Let's just hope the MIL lives up to standards then and continues to like the idea of her school runs being doubled. But we'll see. Grandmothers are expected to do exactly as they're told and keep their mouths shut at all times it seems. Almost as if they're sub-human. The worst thing is, this attitude mostly prevails amongst younger women so I suppose it's one less thing to blame the patriarchy for.

Why don't you apologise @Helcarlol?

And tell your daughter that you're really sorry that she feels as she does and that you will make changes

After all, even if 50% of what your daughter says is true - you sound pretty awful

Do you regret any of your behaviour?

This has to be a reverse surely

It is not "sub-human" to understand that they are not the grandmother's children and as such she gets no say in how they are fed/clothed/raised 🙄

Being a grandmother doesn't entitle you to start making parental choices. It's just a relationship to the child that means you get to play with them lots, share stories and wisdom and they will love you lots in return.

It's grandmothers who start acting hard done by and claim they are being treated as sub-human just because they don't get to be in charge anymore and can't accept they don't make the decisions about the children anymore that are the problem. It's the grandmother's who bang on about "on my time, in my house I make the decisions!" Who don't get to babysit their grandchildren anymore and whine they don't get enough time. No one makes decisions about how children are cared for other than their parents and it's so incredibly entitled to think otherwise.

I can see it from both sides. You are doing her a huge favour, which I hope she appreciates, but your are also getting in the way. For those reasons I wouldn't want my family involved in school drop off/pickup. We both adjusted work to allow us to alternate it between us.

2 hours a week is more than enough time to spend with them. Much as you'd probably like more they've probably got very busy lives of their own.

Sod that

I can see both sides. However, I'd tell her that I come at 8 or she can make alternative arrangements ... perhaps other grandparents want to do one drop off?

Wow, I thought there might another side and was trying to be diplomatic when I replied before, but now I’m completely with your daughter! I think she was incredible measured and articulate in her reply - I would be really hurt by your constant comments and actions and yet she’s still happy to continue having you over for a meal every week for the sake of your relationship with both her and her children. My mother can make judgy remarks and favours my sibling and it has really ground me down over the years and affected the amount of time we spend together. The fact you don’t seem to take any accountability for this is really sad.

I’ve read your updates and I think your daughter seems to have a chip on her shoulder. She seems to think you prefer her brother and their children over hers. I would ignore it and give her some space. Tell her they are always welcome to see you and leave it with them.

seems there is a lot of jealousy here and instead of keeping a lid on what their siblings been doing you talk about them to each other - ffs, if two siblings don't get on don't talk about the other when your at the others

This whole post is so fascinating to me. OP describes her DD are wanting to take her DC to their activities and wanting to have family time at weekends while ensuring OP gets to see the DGC at least once per week…and that makes the DD controlling and selfish?! Women cannot win.

I’ve been waiting for a drip feed before commenting and I guess now knowing that OP makes snide comments in the morning and that she possibly favours her DS explains a bit more. OP stepping back and enjoying her weekly dinner, ensuring no snarky comments are made toward her DD (and the DGC about their mum!!) will hopefully help mend things.

And blatant favouritism of DS!

Who brought up those “younger women” though and taught them boundaries and self respect?! The grandmothers did a great job and made their daughters into confident women!
But now they don’t like it when their adult children express their opinions or correct them (usually on an outdated parenting issue or attitude) and loudly disapprove when their children live their lives differently to how they did or how they expect!!

Oh OP, it sounds like your DD has been having to grit her teeth while you’ve been there making negative comments, and now she’s had enough.
It’s good though that she’s told you what the issues were.
Maybe to you it was just a joke about school being boring, but try to remember that her daughter is only 4 and DD really wants her to see school in a positive way, which makes her a good and considerate mother.

Think OP is playing a game of divide and conquer with her children.

It sounds like the dynamic is that OP prefers to relate to her children by being made to feel needed and important. Her feckless son is happy to oblige by accepting childcare and indirect financial support eg holidays. Her daughter, the less favoured child, had made a bid for connection with her mother by asking for a ‘favour’ that she didn’t strictly need, given that she has a limited work schedule, a presumably high-earning husband and very supportive in laws. OP has been keen to bring DD down a peg or two due to feeling inferior to DD and said ILs and husband, and when tackled on it, is now annoyed to find that DD didn’t actually need her at all.

Oh god the talking about your other grandkids.

We thought my mum's brother's kids were the favoured grandchildren as they were all granny talked about.

However we discovered later that all she talked about with them was us.

And it was just an extension of the playing favourites she did with her son and daughter. Son was definitely the golden child, but heartless mind games were payed for decades. She just loved being in the middle and stirring the pot. Upsetting everyone and making her favour seem worth fighting for.

Still love her, still spent time with her, but saw her for what she was.

Keep your trap shut about the other grandkids. And as you take them both on holidays, make them the same length. 4 or 5 days each if that is all you can afford.

I think she is taking the biscuit! She sounds bloody ungrateful and is playing on the fact you love the kids to dictate the terms. Tell her to find a child minder or breakfast club. God begrudging you a cup of tea is a joke. She sound like an ungrateful woman.

Just offer to do some ad hoc babysitting when they want to go out. Rather than something scheduled 8am on a weekday isn’t the best time for a catch up. Or ask for a job so you aren’t in the way

OP's daughter didn't need to be told. She made HER decision not to pander to her mum anymore and has cancelled the 'favour'.

BTW, no one who loves children belittles their mother to them.

Or just back out and tell her to look after her own bloody kids and pay for her own holidays. Simple everyone happy then

Do you reckon she's still going to accept the free holiday?

You’re obsessed with criticising the DD.

Yes, there's clearly some bitterness there.

Maybe her daughter told her she didn't want her help with something anymore or maybe she didn't get any help when she was a young mum and now thinks everyone should be snivelling in gratitude and accept any old shit treatment because how dare they not.

There's obviously something happened here. She's way too triggered by it.