AIBU to feel hurt my adult son forgot my birthday

It's nothing. Really. They don't attach any importance to those things when they are young. If he is a kind and loving boy in other ways forget it. They leave and have their own lives that don't revolve around you. Mine forgot my two surgeries for breast cancer. A bit hurtful but ok. He has his own life. I don't want him to be spending his student years constantly thinking about my significant dates. And really, once you get past 16 years old to be fixated on everyone celebrating your birthday is odd.

Reminding them? Why do that? I'm not that important.

It's not selfish or uncaring. It's just kids being kids.

That teaches your child to behave a certain way towards their spouse and child.

I don't know where to begin with this thread. It feels like a competition to be the mother who needs the least attention or love. So many selfish young adults described here who will go on to marry and be crap husbands because no one ever said to them (presumably their dads didn't either) that actually other humans like to be acknowledged too and love is a two way street and "having your own life" doesn't mean you can piss on those who love you.

And at the risk of sounding "not my Nigel" all young people are not inherently selfish. Most of the ones I know (including my own) are not. yes sometimes thoughtless and get things wrong but not inherently selfish.

I totally agree with you.
My mum and I had our ups and downs but until she died in her 80's we never ever forgot each other's birthdays. We always exchanged cards and presents - on time - and would phone on the day if not meeting up.
I still think of her on her birthday.
Ditto for my dad though he died years before mum.
Hopefully this is an one-off omission by the OP's son.
Is this more of a son than a daughter thing? Genuine question.

Those excusing him are ridiculous. He’s a thoughtless git and you need to tell him you were upset as no doubt he will do the same next birthday. So he needs to be TOLD .

No, because as I said, if a birthday is important to someone I respect that. Mil and dh love their bdays and I always celebrate them. That I don't teaches my children that we are all different and to celebrate those who wish to be celebrated and not make a big deal about birthdays for those who don't care.

He's at university overseas!! These days I'd not forget my parents birthdays but at that stage of life I'd have multi-days benders where I'd forget what species I was, let alone that birthdays existed.

Agree with Pallisers. Outrageous. Selfish little git. Can’t believe the low bar. Couldn’t imagine ignoring my own mothers birthday.

Tell him you spent all your spare money this month, celebrating your Birthday!

Have you discussed what expectations around birthdays/ Xmas are? Me and DDs did (although tbh we continued to pay for their gifts from us until they left uni) Now they spend £30 on us and get a card. We usually arrange to see each other on or around the day and would do a phone call on the day . But this was all discussed and agreed in advance

You tell him. I sent mine a list when they were young teens called, ‘Here are things I’d like for my birthday. Pick one’. Then the was a list of modestly priced gifts - a tub of Nivea, a bottle of wine, a book, socks, chocolates, etc. and they’ve used it since - as they’ve got older the wine has got better, the socks are now alpaca, and the chocolates are Hotel Chocolat instead of Black Magic (I think I prefer Black Magic). I don’t care what they get me and I don’t want them spending a lot, but I do think it’s important they are in the habit of acknowledging special days, especially when they expect to be treated on theirs.

Very selfish and lazy of him. I really hope you don’t give him money. How old is he? Laughing at one poster saying all under 30s are like this. Grown adults shouldn’t be given a hall pass for being self cantered little pricks

Yes we also had a few learning experiences early teen when dd1 made zero effort for us one Christmas. She was taught that to be a decent person you have to do things for other people to show you care. It comes naturally to some of them some need to be taught.

Can’t bear to see parents running round young adults funding and showering them with gifts and they do absolutely sod all in return. One friend does so much for her two DDs didn’t get a card or anything on Mother’s Day. 16 and 18. Grim.

Mine probably would if I didn’t make a song and dance about it/his dad/sister didn’t remind him. He’s a lovely lad but a bit in a world of his own. He was supposed to buy me a present (bday was 3 weeks ago), which hasn’t materialised yet, he told me he couldn’t find the card he bought (when he was out w his dad). In the end he did find it in the pile of crap in his room and wrote a nice message.

i probably need to ‘train’ him now he’s got a proper gf to be a bit more solicitous of her than he is of his old mum!

Hope you mirror that effort back to him on his birthday. Some of these kids seem to have a “little emperor” mindset. MY birthday is terribly important yours is utterly irrelevant. Urg. If you don’t “do” birthdays don’t expect anything back mate you are not 3 any more.

Tell him from me I will know of him by using the name Selfish twat of a son.! He can change this by getting you something lovely next time you meet up. Tell him you will be doing the same for him, no present on his birthday .He needs to put at least a little effort in. Even if he is abroad he can arrange flowers and chocolates or something lovely.

@rathersleepy Well under 30s are not like this, of course, but do we question who has guided them! This comes back on parents doesn’t it? Teach dc what social norms are!

wow, low standards!

What a sad post. My kids would never forget my surgeries for cancer I am sure. I am important to my kids and they are to me, whatever age any of us are. We support each other through difficult times and celebrate birthdays and successes together. My husband included.

The fact you mention it here, makes me think it did hurt quite a lot at the time and I am genuinely sorry.

My graduate son went on holiday which coincided with my birthday. He called me from near Mt Kilimanjaro to wish me happy birthday. If you really want to, you remember, whatever your life stage (unless unwell or with failing memory etc).

This. I can’t deal with adults who make such a big deal of their OWN birthday, to the point of feeling hurt (!!) and undoubtedly guilt tripping others in their life for the ultimate sin of not sending them a birthday card. Cannot think of anything more cringey than this.

This is a great way to approach this. The birthday person is invested in their own day, especially if their birthday is important to them. What I hate is that passiveness of “it’s my birthday, so I expect others to make a big deal while I sit quietly and wait to catch out anyone who forgot/doesn’t care about birthdays much”. I absolutely do not care one bit about my own birthday so it doesn’t really register with me that others expect me to care about theirs. It’s just a day. I’ll probably phone up to say happy birthday as I feel it’s obligatory but I only do it out of obligation and won’t do more than a phone call.

Do you have children that you wish happy birthday to, or do you not bother in your family?

Same, I honestly dont get the hype over adult's birthdays. It feels so childish. DH and I dont get each other presents for birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's day, etc and I am sure it has saved so much drama. I could see one of my children oversees at uni forgetting my birthday and I wouldnt think twice about it. I often forget my own. It how they act all the other days of the year that matter not the fuss they make on your birthday.

It’s not nice but not unusual. My husband’s adult children make no effort, despite him being present, loving and they all get on fine.

When they did make an effort one of them produced a Daddy cleaning sponge multiple years. It’s who they are and we ignore it. Now we match the energy and it makes no difference to the day to day. They are simply not generous or thoughtful.

Sympathy OP.