AIBU to feel hurt my adult son forgot my birthday

Are you close to your mum?

How old is he? I think many of them go through this selfish stage. My lovely thoughtful husband forgot his mum’s birthday when we were dating at uni. He never forgot again! He was 19 and ridiculous in many ways.
Be honest with him op. Say youre upset.

Being a martyr does nobody any good. You are the mother of the dreadful men we sometimes read about on here.

Agree. They need to be TAUGHT to give from a young age. For some it comes naturally for most children it doesn’t.

Remember how excited I was that I found two gold bracelets for my mother for Christmas at the school Christmas fair. I now know they were cufflinks but the thought was there.

If you are a joyless puritan “no birthdays for us” family that’s one thing but most of us aren’t. If you make an effort for them on their birthdays they need to at the very least acknowledge yours with a call ideally card and small thoughtful gift. The amount our generation do for these kids it’s the least they can bloody do.

Some people on here expect so little from their loved ones, and are almost martyrish about it. Oh I wouldn’t want them to spend their hard-earned money on me type thing. And thoughtless, selfish behaviour is excused as being typical for a young adult… young adults here are constantly infantilised and it continues with this excusing of selfish behaviour.

I’ve posted this on other threads before, but i genuinely think one of the best things my parents did for us as kids was ensure that every child gave every other child and every adult in the house a birthday and Christmas present. At a very young age, obviously we were given money and brought shopping to do so, as time went on we saved our pocket money and sometimes needed a top up, and then as teens became better at managing independently. They obviously weren’t big presents, but the point was we each made an effort for the people we loved. One of my favourite memories of my eldest brother, now deceased, is the Christmas he unwrapped two mars bars from me and exclaimed how thrilled he was and immediately went to put the kettle on to have them with a cup of tea. I can’t look at a mars bar now without hearing him say “oh look, Sammy got me two mars bars, isn’t she great” and remembering the joy 6 year old me got from seeing his pleasure.

This family tradition taught us a number of things, such as the value in doing something nice for someone you loved, that this required time, effort and sacrifice, but brought joy to others and was worth it. I shake my head when I read on here about parents who buy a present for each child rather than just the birthday child ‘so no one feels left out’… one woman said on here years ago that she continued to do that for her now-adult children and they all come to her house to collect their loot on each others birthdays … honestly!

And it’s so sad to see expectations so low that someone’s adult son can forget their cancer surgery twice and the poster said it was ‘a little hurtful but ok’. wtf?? It’s not ok, it’s appalling care and support shown to his mother. How someone could only be ‘a little’ hurt by that is beyond me. Talk about being at a low ebb, having your second cancer surgery and needing support of loved ones, and they ‘forget’.

Awful.

Ah not nice. My mam gave me nothing for my 50th. It was mean. Op I just wouldnt make efforts. There no excuses. Even a card. My mam is weird around bdays though

Agree. Little shit treating his mother like this. The woman whose made sacrifices for him and wiped away his tears as a child and tended to his grazed knees etc.
His own birthday hday can get in the bin.
Only a shit would treat their mum like this.

Well said. Totally agree 👍

He's an adult now so birthdays should be reciprocal. Don't go to any effort for his in future until he starts making an effort for yours.

He's seen you celebrate his birthday all his life and hasn't learned to reciprocate so he shouldn't expect anything for his, not even a card.

It’s not nice but not unusual. My husband’s adult children make no effort, despite him being present, loving and they all get on fine.

When they did make an effort one of them produced a Daddy cleaning sponge multiple years. It’s who they are and we ignore it. Now we match the energy and it makes no difference to the day to day. They are simply not generous or thoughtful.

Sympathy OP.

Same, I honestly dont get the hype over adult's birthdays. It feels so childish. DH and I dont get each other presents for birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's day, etc and I am sure it has saved so much drama. I could see one of my children oversees at uni forgetting my birthday and I wouldnt think twice about it. I often forget my own. It how they act all the other days of the year that matter not the fuss they make on your birthday.

Do you have children that you wish happy birthday to, or do you not bother in your family?

This is a great way to approach this. The birthday person is invested in their own day, especially if their birthday is important to them. What I hate is that passiveness of “it’s my birthday, so I expect others to make a big deal while I sit quietly and wait to catch out anyone who forgot/doesn’t care about birthdays much”. I absolutely do not care one bit about my own birthday so it doesn’t really register with me that others expect me to care about theirs. It’s just a day. I’ll probably phone up to say happy birthday as I feel it’s obligatory but I only do it out of obligation and won’t do more than a phone call.

This. I can’t deal with adults who make such a big deal of their OWN birthday, to the point of feeling hurt (!!) and undoubtedly guilt tripping others in their life for the ultimate sin of not sending them a birthday card. Cannot think of anything more cringey than this.

My graduate son went on holiday which coincided with my birthday. He called me from near Mt Kilimanjaro to wish me happy birthday. If you really want to, you remember, whatever your life stage (unless unwell or with failing memory etc).

What a sad post. My kids would never forget my surgeries for cancer I am sure. I am important to my kids and they are to me, whatever age any of us are. We support each other through difficult times and celebrate birthdays and successes together. My husband included.

The fact you mention it here, makes me think it did hurt quite a lot at the time and I am genuinely sorry.

wow, low standards!

@rathersleepy Well under 30s are not like this, of course, but do we question who has guided them! This comes back on parents doesn’t it? Teach dc what social norms are!

Tell him from me I will know of him by using the name Selfish twat of a son.! He can change this by getting you something lovely next time you meet up. Tell him you will be doing the same for him, no present on his birthday .He needs to put at least a little effort in. Even if he is abroad he can arrange flowers and chocolates or something lovely.

Hope you mirror that effort back to him on his birthday. Some of these kids seem to have a “little emperor” mindset. MY birthday is terribly important yours is utterly irrelevant. Urg. If you don’t “do” birthdays don’t expect anything back mate you are not 3 any more.

Mine probably would if I didn’t make a song and dance about it/his dad/sister didn’t remind him. He’s a lovely lad but a bit in a world of his own. He was supposed to buy me a present (bday was 3 weeks ago), which hasn’t materialised yet, he told me he couldn’t find the card he bought (when he was out w his dad). In the end he did find it in the pile of crap in his room and wrote a nice message.

i probably need to ‘train’ him now he’s got a proper gf to be a bit more solicitous of her than he is of his old mum!

Yes we also had a few learning experiences early teen when dd1 made zero effort for us one Christmas. She was taught that to be a decent person you have to do things for other people to show you care. It comes naturally to some of them some need to be taught.

Can’t bear to see parents running round young adults funding and showering them with gifts and they do absolutely sod all in return. One friend does so much for her two DDs didn’t get a card or anything on Mother’s Day. 16 and 18. Grim.

Very selfish and lazy of him. I really hope you don’t give him money. How old is he? Laughing at one poster saying all under 30s are like this. Grown adults shouldn’t be given a hall pass for being self cantered little pricks

You tell him. I sent mine a list when they were young teens called, ‘Here are things I’d like for my birthday. Pick one’. Then the was a list of modestly priced gifts - a tub of Nivea, a bottle of wine, a book, socks, chocolates, etc. and they’ve used it since - as they’ve got older the wine has got better, the socks are now alpaca, and the chocolates are Hotel Chocolat instead of Black Magic (I think I prefer Black Magic). I don’t care what they get me and I don’t want them spending a lot, but I do think it’s important they are in the habit of acknowledging special days, especially when they expect to be treated on theirs.

Have you discussed what expectations around birthdays/ Xmas are? Me and DDs did (although tbh we continued to pay for their gifts from us until they left uni) Now they spend £30 on us and get a card. We usually arrange to see each other on or around the day and would do a phone call on the day . But this was all discussed and agreed in advance