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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

214 replies

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 15:51

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:17

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 05/09/2026 11:06

@OldHarper He doesn’t need supervised time at the expense of the state. He just needs to work on the same page as the mum. The op has higher child care and parenting standards but this man would be a red flag to me. The DD should be with her mother more but no doubt mum
likes her free time and is she concerned about dad doing very little parenting? The op is going to have to do it at this rate!

I hope not cos according to some on here I’m not even allowed an opinion!

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 05/09/2026 18:39

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:16

Yes you make a good point. This could go quite badly for the other kids if he carries on treating her the way he does

Adding children to a blended family only works if both adults are reading from the exact same script when it comes to parenting. You are on polar opposite ends and it will only end in separation and another broken family.

You cannot have a house hold with two children being parented in very different ways.

CamillaMcCauley · 05/09/2026 19:31

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:15

Everyone’s entitled to an opinion. Who gets to decide who is and isn’t?

I think the poster meant why are you sharing your opinion? Of course everyone is entitled to privately hold an opinion on anything, but there are many times it’s not appropriate to share those opinions.

One of those times is in regard to a child who isn’t yours. The responsibilities and rights of parenting a child lie solely with that child’s two parents/co-parents. Third parties don’t have any legal right to a say in how a child is parented, not matter how strongly they think they know better.

Even in situations where you’re asked by one of the parents for your thoughts on how to parent the child, you’re in dangerous territory as the other parent hasn’t asked for and doesn’t necessarily want your input, and they, unlike you, are a legal decision-maker.

In situations where it’s not appropriate to share your opinion, your opinion is meant to privately inform your own actions.

In this case, where you’re seeing a man choose to parent his child in a weak and lazy way that doesn’t align with your values, the appropriate thing is not to repeatedly try to “gently correct” him, it’s to recognise that he’s not the right man for you, and move on.

Switchnow · 05/09/2026 20:03

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

I think with my childcare and TA background I’m more than qualified to make observations about a man who lets his daughter run rings around him!

Why, is he a child?

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 21:56

Switchnow · 05/09/2026 20:03

Why, is he a child?

No he just basically never says no to her.

OP posts:
Switchnow · 05/09/2026 22:02

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 21:56

No he just basically never says no to her.

And again, what is attractive about a man who is unable to parent a three year old? I’m sure you could find someone more capable to procreate with. Is he very wealthy, good looking, well connected? Because he sounds pretty wet and unreliable.

Grumpyoldcat · 05/09/2026 22:09

A 3 year old who is not toilet trained is an issue and probably the first in a long line. Unless you are a saint you need to get out of this relationship. It will get worse.

Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 22:38

YourShyLemonGoose · 04/09/2026 14:19

About 2 years ago

Why not when. Doesn't a single man with a baby give you pause for thought?

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:48

Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 22:38

Why not when. Doesn't a single man with a baby give you pause for thought?

I guess so

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:49

Grumpyoldcat · 05/09/2026 22:09

A 3 year old who is not toilet trained is an issue and probably the first in a long line. Unless you are a saint you need to get out of this relationship. It will get worse.

The lack of potty training on its own I don’t think is an issue, it’s the wider context within which it sits. Some kids take longer, but she needs to be actively encouraged

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:51

Switchnow · 05/09/2026 22:02

And again, what is attractive about a man who is unable to parent a three year old? I’m sure you could find someone more capable to procreate with. Is he very wealthy, good looking, well connected? Because he sounds pretty wet and unreliable.

I mean he’s quite well off but not super wealthy! I guess that’s why he’s not bothered about still having to buy nappies for her

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 05/09/2026 22:51

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 17:10

I’m not but I am a primary TA so have lots of experience with young children!

Being a TA is completely different to being a parent

KilkennyCats · 05/09/2026 22:54

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:51

I mean he’s quite well off but not super wealthy! I guess that’s why he’s not bothered about still having to buy nappies for her

Hmm It’s not about being able to afford nappies, op. Are you actually serious?
Flamingojune · 05/09/2026 22:54

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 22:51

I mean he’s quite well off but not super wealthy! I guess that’s why he’s not bothered about still having to buy nappies for her

But perhaps not willing to stick around after the baby stage. Unless the mother of the child binned him off.

ByLilacMember · 05/09/2026 23:18

Over time LO will notice that those 'gentle nudges' are from you. Even if they are in her best interests long term no one will be thanking you for them. Bringing the boundaries/ rules will make them both resent you I think.

Switchnow · 06/09/2026 00:23

This reply has been deleted

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Switchnow · 06/09/2026 00:24

KilkennyCats · 05/09/2026 22:54

Hmm It’s not about being able to afford nappies, op. Are you actually serious?

Either on a wind up or a bit dim I think. Hopefully the former, surely a TA needs to be smarter than this?

YourShyLemonGoose · 06/09/2026 15:37

KilkennyCats · 05/09/2026 22:54

Hmm It’s not about being able to afford nappies, op. Are you actually serious?

I know it’s not but what I’m saying is clearly the extra cost every month isn’t an incentive for him to potty train her!

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 06/09/2026 15:38

ByLilacMember · 05/09/2026 23:18

Over time LO will notice that those 'gentle nudges' are from you. Even if they are in her best interests long term no one will be thanking you for them. Bringing the boundaries/ rules will make them both resent you I think.

you make a very good point :/

OP posts:
IdaGlossop · 06/09/2026 16:07

YourShyLemonGoose · 06/09/2026 15:37

I know it’s not but what I’m saying is clearly the extra cost every month isn’t an incentive for him to potty train her!

He could do the planet a good deed and think about landfill.

As you work in childcare, you're probably familiar with the (to my mind compelling) argument that the idea of readiness for toilet training has been quietly planted by manufacturers of disposable nappies to keep their profits up. Disposables are the enemy of toilet training because they keep moisture away from the child's bottom. Buckets of soaking terry nappies were an incentive to get a move on.

I could argue that my DD, at 2yrs 4 mths was unready because she kept having accidents. But she was fine to sit on the loo, do what needed to be done, and well able to summon the words to say she needed the loo. The penny (!) dropped that she couldn't be arsed (!) to ask but persist we did, including during a trip to Rome (nappies only at night, spare clothes in rucksack). A nappy is not dignified for a small child and it's the job of parents to help them get rid of it ASAP as pants are so much more comfortable (and cheaper and better for the planet).

Typo

DaisyChain505 · 06/09/2026 16:23

@YourShyLemonGoose

The fact that you keep excusing his behaviour and poor parenting just shows that you know deep down you’re going to continue this relationship and ignore the red flags until one day it’s too late and you’re stuck with him for life because you’ve decided to stupidly have a child with him and then decide to finally admit to yourself what a subpar Dad he is and that you want out.

His parenting views don’t align with yours. Why are you hanging around.

KilkennyCats · 06/09/2026 16:27

YourShyLemonGoose · 06/09/2026 15:37

I know it’s not but what I’m saying is clearly the extra cost every month isn’t an incentive for him to potty train her!

The “incentive”, if he needs one, should be that she’s three years old.

loveawineloveacrisp · 06/09/2026 16:29

Stay out of it but absolutely don't move in with him. Then it's not your problem.

gannett · 06/09/2026 16:30

YourShyLemonGoose · 04/09/2026 11:34

I agree. I have a lot of understanding and empathy for him. I think he just needs some gentle nudges etc.

It's a terrible idea to see your partner as an improvement project, and so patronising to think that another adult just needs "gentle nudges" from you.

YourShyLemonGoose · 06/09/2026 17:30

loveawineloveacrisp · 06/09/2026 16:29

Stay out of it but absolutely don't move in with him. Then it's not your problem.

A bit late for that but you’re not wrong!

OP posts: