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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

214 replies

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 15:51

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

OP posts:
AmberPeaches · 04/09/2026 15:02

Why the rush to TTC?? You’ve been together a year, his child is still a toddler?? Maybe just settle for a while, let her get used to you??

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2026 15:23

Who suggested ttc within a year op?

i obvo don’t know this man, but you should be aware that it’s fairly common for not very good men to go for 50/50 to avoid maintenance, then get another woman moved in and pregnant quickly, to avoid parenting.

maybe he’s not one of those men. Hopefully he’s not. But it’s another reason to not rush ttc. Give you a chance to see where his intentions are.

if he raised the ttc quickly, and reacts negatively to you saying let’s not rush, you know your answer. However, if he does like you for just who you are, then there need to be no rush whatsoever and he can carry on the majority parenting of his dd.

DarkForces · 04/09/2026 15:28

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 23:36

Yes we are living together and would like to TTC sometime within the next 12 months

But you're not on the same page about parenting at all. Why on earth are you considering having children with him? Unless you expect him to magically step up or parent different children with different rules. This has disaster written all over it!

muggart · 04/09/2026 15:39

you can try with your gentle nudges but he knows full well that a child that age will be damaging their brain from screen time and their teeth from the bottle. he’s doing it anyway, because harming her is convenient for him.

DaisyChain505 · 04/09/2026 15:55

Youve had the gift not many women get, being able to get a glimpse into the future as to what your partner will be like as a parent to your child.

Youre going to ignore this and go on to have a baby by this man so I guess we’ll see you back here in a few years when you’re considering leaving him because shock horror, he’s a shit Dad and you can’t live with the constant conflict with regards to your step daughter and the family dynamics.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2026 15:56

DaisyChain505 · 04/09/2026 15:55

Youve had the gift not many women get, being able to get a glimpse into the future as to what your partner will be like as a parent to your child.

Youre going to ignore this and go on to have a baby by this man so I guess we’ll see you back here in a few years when you’re considering leaving him because shock horror, he’s a shit Dad and you can’t live with the constant conflict with regards to your step daughter and the family dynamics.

I’m afraid this is exactly right.

BillieWiper · 04/09/2026 15:59

Quitelikeit · 02/09/2026 15:54

Are you a mother?

I don’t think you are and until you are only then you can understand what parenting is like!

It’s not easy first time round either so give the guy a break

Well unfortunately that's not always the case is it. People end up becoming a 'parent' when their partner withdraws from their own duties by stealth.

This will happen if OP stays with this guy no doubt. Makes no odds whether she's personally ever given birth before or not.

KilkennyCats · 04/09/2026 16:03

YourShyLemonGoose · 02/09/2026 17:16

He lets her have her iPad or watch tv whenever she wants, eat what she wants for dinner (or refuse to if she’s not hungry or busy playing), buys her so many toys she forgets what she even has! Just generally letting her run the place really. Oh and she still has a baby bottle of milk at night (and some mornings too) which I don’t think are very good for her teeth.

I moved in a couple of months ago so I’m there all the time. I really want the best for her and to be a part of her life, I just need to be more aligned with her dad on parenting

I moved in a couple of months ago
How long have you been together? Personally I’d have run a mile from a man with a young toddler that he had 50% custody of, but you are where you are.

Sewingbeedamned · 04/09/2026 17:50

Sartre · 03/09/2026 09:38

So you can already see his parenting style firsthand and don’t like it in the slightest by the sound of things yet think TTC is the correct thing to do? The mind boggles.

Why is everyone giving her such a hard time? She met someone she saw a future with, they had talked about having children together. Now she has seen his parenting up close and its put her hopes and plans in jeopardy. She is entitled to be upset and be working through things.

OP, better that you saw this before TTC. I am so sorry, but it does not look like this will be workable long term.

August1980 · 04/09/2026 21:01

not Sure why you think you are entitled to an opinion on how he raises his child. You have only been together a 1 year. He might ditch you before then.

OldHarper · 04/09/2026 21:11

He's obviously a lousy parent from you description of his hopeless parenting style. Like with all men, it would be much better if his daughter could live with her mother full time and contact with this useless man limited to very short periods of supervised time, so that the amount of damage he can do is reduced to a minimum. Consider reporting him for his poor care of his daughter for her own good

Pellig · 05/09/2026 05:10

YourShyLemonGoose · 04/09/2026 11:49

You make a good point about the different rules to be honest. I can absolutely see that becoming a thing

Can you not see how damaging that would be for your child? Both children in the same house, one child gets everything they want; the other gets told no repeatedly because their mother has boundaries and their father isn’t bending the rules for them.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 05/09/2026 11:06

@OldHarper He doesn’t need supervised time at the expense of the state. He just needs to work on the same page as the mum. The op has higher child care and parenting standards but this man would be a red flag to me. The DD should be with her mother more but no doubt mum
likes her free time and is she concerned about dad doing very little parenting? The op is going to have to do it at this rate!

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:07

CurbsideProphet · 04/09/2026 14:32

Being "ready" for potty / training is pretty much nonsense to me when talking about a child who is closer to 4 than 3 and has no SEN or health conditions.

Any parent who gives up on teaching their child to potty / toilet train at this age needs to have a serious look at their priorities. Of course it can be a slog; however children need to develop the thought process of "What's that feeling?" - "I need a wee/poo" - "I need to get to the toilet". And as a parent you need to give them the opportunity to do so. Putting a nappy back on just interrupts and shuts down the whole process.

I agree with some of what you’re saying. I think she genuinely may not be ready as she wasn’t interested at all, but I definitely think they could’ve done a lot more before giving up and putting a nappy back on her as she may just be a slow learner. Like you said, they need to develop the feeling of needing to go and they can’t do that if they’re not given the time.

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

Switchnow · 04/09/2026 14:57

Genuinely curious what’s attractive about a man who needs ‘gentle pointers’ about parenting from someone who isn’t a parent?

I think with my childcare and TA background I’m more than qualified to make observations about a man who lets his daughter run rings around him!

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

AmberPeaches · 04/09/2026 15:02

Why the rush to TTC?? You’ve been together a year, his child is still a toddler?? Maybe just settle for a while, let her get used to you??

Yes I’m leaning more and more towards this tbh

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:09

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2026 15:23

Who suggested ttc within a year op?

i obvo don’t know this man, but you should be aware that it’s fairly common for not very good men to go for 50/50 to avoid maintenance, then get another woman moved in and pregnant quickly, to avoid parenting.

maybe he’s not one of those men. Hopefully he’s not. But it’s another reason to not rush ttc. Give you a chance to see where his intentions are.

if he raised the ttc quickly, and reacts negatively to you saying let’s not rush, you know your answer. However, if he does like you for just who you are, then there need to be no rush whatsoever and he can carry on the majority parenting of his dd.

To be honest I raised it as we’d both like a big family and so need to get started soon! However having seen how he’s raising his daughter I’m starting to reconsider…

OP posts:
JayJayj · 05/09/2026 18:10

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:08

I think with my childcare and TA background I’m more than qualified to make observations about a man who lets his daughter run rings around him!

Well it doesn’t. Not your child. She is 3. You sound obnoxious. I believe me working in a people facing industry for 25 years gives me the qualifications to say so. 🙄

YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:10

muggart · 04/09/2026 15:39

you can try with your gentle nudges but he knows full well that a child that age will be damaging their brain from screen time and their teeth from the bottle. he’s doing it anyway, because harming her is convenient for him.

I genuinely don’t know if he does though! I mean some things yes like giving her too many sweets etc. but some people don’t know the damage of bottles for example

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:12

JayJayj · 05/09/2026 18:10

Well it doesn’t. Not your child. She is 3. You sound obnoxious. I believe me working in a people facing industry for 25 years gives me the qualifications to say so. 🙄

I’m sure if you saw how this child behaves sometimes and how her father is with her you’d have the same opinion.

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:13

BillieWiper · 04/09/2026 15:59

Well unfortunately that's not always the case is it. People end up becoming a 'parent' when their partner withdraws from their own duties by stealth.

This will happen if OP stays with this guy no doubt. Makes no odds whether she's personally ever given birth before or not.

hmmm I see what you mean…

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:14

KilkennyCats · 04/09/2026 16:03

I moved in a couple of months ago
How long have you been together? Personally I’d have run a mile from a man with a young toddler that he had 50% custody of, but you are where you are.

About a year before I moved in

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:14

Sewingbeedamned · 04/09/2026 17:50

Why is everyone giving her such a hard time? She met someone she saw a future with, they had talked about having children together. Now she has seen his parenting up close and its put her hopes and plans in jeopardy. She is entitled to be upset and be working through things.

OP, better that you saw this before TTC. I am so sorry, but it does not look like this will be workable long term.

Thank you for being so understanding, I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:15

August1980 · 04/09/2026 21:01

not Sure why you think you are entitled to an opinion on how he raises his child. You have only been together a 1 year. He might ditch you before then.

Everyone’s entitled to an opinion. Who gets to decide who is and isn’t?

OP posts:
YourShyLemonGoose · 05/09/2026 18:16

Pellig · 05/09/2026 05:10

Can you not see how damaging that would be for your child? Both children in the same house, one child gets everything they want; the other gets told no repeatedly because their mother has boundaries and their father isn’t bending the rules for them.

Yes you make a good point. This could go quite badly for the other kids if he carries on treating her the way he does

OP posts: