AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

But I think the poster was responding to other posters who were calling a gathering with no gifts a shower. Gifts make a pre-baby gathering a shower, whether or not there is a registry.

A pre-wedding party where gifts are given. Often there is a theme and the gifts are fairly modest if the attendees are also giving a separate wedding gift. When DH and I got married, our friends gave us a stock-the-bar shower. When my niece got married, she was given a recipe shower. Everyone brought a favorite recipe and dish or pot to cook it in. The hostess had the recipes bound in a book.

Well, in the US all you would have to do is drop a hint to a friend. We love any excuse for a shower. Maybe you could host a recipe exchange party, perhaps as a potluck.

One of the nicest showers that I attended was for a friend who was going back to work after having taken several years off while her children were young. Several of us pooled resources and bought her a Coach work bag which she still uses 20 years later. I was also invited to a "divorce shower" for a male friend whose ex got most of the household goods and their dog in the divorce. He was showered with dishes, cutlery, a cookware set, and a Labrador puppy.

I think that the registry is useful, provided that there’s a range of price points and no pressure to purchase more-expensive items only. I didn’t have a baby shower (Canadian living in the UK), but my friends and family back home asked me to make a registry as they wanted to ensure that they could send things that we needed for the baby. Agreed that there’s a cultural difference here and in the UK token gifts for the baby seem more common. That being said, we loved every gift we received and still treasure a lot of them.

And this is the problem here, everyone wanting to do baby showers, hen/stag dos and weddings American style!

I’ve been to multiple types of baby showers, work ones, family, friends, mix sex, fancy limousine pickups taken an hour and half away to 5 star hotel fully paid, but that was all immediate family (mums, grans, aunts, sisters) Not once were gifts asked for or expected. The only time I’ve ever had any requests was based on the parents lifestyle choices (Vegan) but nothing was expected. Also not all British.

if you don’t know the parents well enough to ask what they need or already know, then you stick cash in a card maybe with a token practical gift.

Best gift I ever saw was a very socially unaware man who bought the parents several large packs of bigger sized nappies, they loved it and have admitted the most particle gift ever.

personally I never had showers as I couldn’t stand the thought of people expecting to give me gifts.

This is such a weird bit of revisionism. Baby showers are an American tradition, and the clue is literally in the name: you shower the expectant parent with gifts. That is the custom. You can dislike it, skip it, or hold some gift-free tea-and-cake gathering instead, but pretending gifts are somehow gauche or “doing it American style” at an event whose entire tradition is American and gift-based is ridiculous.

If you personally “couldn’t stand the thought of people expecting to give you gifts,” fine, don’t have a shower. But other people having one in the normal way is not some ghastly collapse of British standards. It is quite literally how baby showers work.

I’m 32, live in the north of England.

I’ve been to about 8 baby showers. Gifts are always given at the baby shower. (Usually send flowers once the baby has been born)

I think only one of the expectant mothers had an Amazon wish list. I wouldn’t say it’s “grabby”, I’d rather buy something that they actually want than something that might not get used or worn.

It's a very old North American tradition from when people had babies much younger and were much poorer, and the community would gather to shower them with baby gifts so they would have what they needed for the new arrival (and the same principle applies to the wedding shower). It comes from a lovely place and was never a grabby thing at all (small gifts were always acceptable) and you don't give another gift when the baby arrives. Also, you only got a shower with the first baby - that was the rule. In this day and age I think an Amazon wishlist is brilliant providing there is a good range of values on there.

The idea is to shower the first time mum with small gifts to help with the baby. I'm in Aus and it's usually wipes, nappies, creams, etc. I don't mind a list for gifts as long as it's reasonable. The shower for my god daughter I just attended she wanted books, wipes, nappies etc. you can buy as little or much as you like.

I don't like expensive pretentious lists though. Invited to a wedding in a few months, very young couple, never lived out of home, have nothing to start with. List we were sent includes £500 vacuum cleaner, £100 sheets, £250 fan/purifier. Oh, and we had to purchase from same list for engagement. Now that's ridiculous.

I think the expectation for the expensive items is in case a group of friends prefer to pool funds together and instead of buying a bunch of smaller items the whole group buys one larger.

It's fine in any circumstances where gifts may be given to OFFER a wishlist and make it abundantly clear that this is only for the convenience of gift givers who would like to use it, if it makes it easier for them to choose something.

And make it clear too that it's fine if they want to give no gift or a gift of their own choosing.

And mean it.

Oh, and yes gifts are definitely given at the shower and zero expectation for a second gift. You can bring flowers or chocolate for mum or something like that once baby is born if you like.

F**k that! You’re having a baby. Great. Congratulations. Good for you. Can’t stand baby showers… let alone here’s a list of things to buy me. I’d be making excuses OP and don’t get me started on gender reveal 🤣…

That sounds lovely if the bride is young- I can just imagine how things would have been in times gone by. I can, however, see how that would translate if it came over to the UK that it simply would be gifts (again) as most brides are not in their early twenties these days. Thankfully that hasn’t made it over here yet but no doubt someone is ready to commercialise it. I like the idea that baby showers are originally not really about gifts but a ‘shower’ of advice. Sadly that is not the case in the UK where clearly the gift giving is the purpose.

Expecting someone to spend £30 on a gift is outrageous! I wouldn’t spend that on close family, let alone a friend who will probably expect another gift when it’s born!

Yeah I agree OP but equally I dislike baby showers and wouldn’t want one for myself, the sash wearing and organised fun isn’t for me. I find it quite self indulgent and as for a pre approved list of presents that you’re expected to provide, also no. I also feel that way about bridal showers.

my work colleagues in my past pregnancies were incredibly generous and took me out to a lunch and bought some things, little clothes and some other bits and bobs which I was incredibly touched by, but it was certainly not my expectation that anyone should be buying me gifts.

I think a gift list for a baby shower is great, I have no idea what people want or have already got. Normally I will then give a small token for the baby once born (hand knitted hat or little toy) and a bottle of fizz for the new parents.

I’d prefer to get someone something they actually wanted rather than turn up with something they’ll never use or a duplicate item 10 people have bought them already.

It does feel a little grabby/not done. However, I'd just buy what I was going to buy them anyway and go off list if it's all too expensive, but give it at the shower instead of after the baby is born.

I agree. Seems perfectly fine to me.

It's a beautiful way to celebrate and support the soon-to-be mum. So many MN users have a stick up their arse about anything that isn't British unfortunately. We have a similar custom in my culture in the third trimester. (Although I didn't receive many practical gifts.... Mostly just clothes for myself and baby. Should've had a registry.)

For weddings and new babies I just gift money or whatever I like. I don't use any of the gift lists.

I don’t like it. Back in the day it was considered a bad omen to give baby gifts pre-birth and it was bad luck to have a pram in the house before baby was born. An appropriate welcome gift was a babygro or knitted cardigan. Now it’s an item of expensive, completely unnecessary equipment. Apart from parents/grandparents, nobody would buy an expensive present, certainly not a work colleague. Now it’s all gimme, gimme, gimme and it’s extremely tasteless.

You're supposed to give gifts at a baby shower. It's not grabby to be expecting gifts at events it's standard to get gifts. It's all very British to think one must pretend to be surprised that someone bought you a gift. Baby shower, baby birth, wedding, birthday.

A list makes everyones life easier , especially theirs, no one's wants 50 blankets that aren't even sleep safe, bottles when they're intending to breastfeed, or a constant stream of messages asking what they need.

You don't need to stick to the list of it offends you that much but them expecting you not to turn up empty handed isn't rude. It would be so rude to turn up empty handed.

My tip, buy a gift for baby at the baby shower. Buy a gift for mum when meeting the baby.

I don't like the "bad luck" thing. I've lost babies and delivered healthy babies. None was my fault and I didn't jinx my pregnancy by preparing too early.

Miscarriage, still birth etc are rare and not caused by pushchairs or gifts.

I feel that way too. Out of principle that's why I refuse to use them. I won't be dictated to to spend X amount from a list - I will spend what I can afford.