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AIBU?

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AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

547 replies

SheGood · 30/08/2026 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
Kalanthe · 31/08/2026 09:39

Vulturesoverhead · 31/08/2026 09:36

I think I would because I’d feel sorry for the kids.

Plenty of families in the UK can't afford expensive activities for their children, I wouldn't exactly call it child suffering

2026problemsandDDcanbeone · 31/08/2026 09:40

SheGood · 30/08/2026 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

But it’s not the same situation at all, she’s not a single parent this time. It’s absolutely no one’s problem what she can or can’t afford.

I was a single parent myself for many years and the thought of pulling up to ask any relative to pay for DD’s things is insane. Activities are optional, it’s not a necessity. She’s being beyond cheeky.

Serenitymummy · 31/08/2026 09:41

I'd just say "no I can't afford it". They can't question you because that's the reason they can't pay for it in the first place. Cheeky feckers

wfhwfh · 31/08/2026 09:41

Please do not feel guilty, OP. You did a genuinely lovely thing when your sister was a single parent.

Now she has chosen to have more children with a new partner and she is showing her ingratitude & entitlement big-time!

They are a two-income household now and should be working together to provide for their family. It’s a totally different scenario to when she was a single parent. Not that she was entitled to your help then but I can understand a lovely sister helping out if she and her husband could.

Daisymail · 31/08/2026 09:41

Epdrenching · 30/08/2026 23:01

Rude, cheeky and exceptionally entitled.
I wouldn't dream of entertaining this.
She's a CF, to put it mildly.

This!!!

Movingonup313 · 31/08/2026 09:41

Wow!

I have a sibling who would pull similar tactics.

At best,.if she was going to ask you to find her childrens classes, the foundation of the request SHOULD NOT BE because you had already forked out for the older sibling. That is manipulative and brings emotions into it. It should be that despite their best budgeting they cannot.afford it and.dc really want to do it and would benefit from it.

In my experience this would be the start of various other expectations and you want to nip this in the bud now. What is the expense..sorry.ive not read the full thread - between the childrens parents,.grandparent(s) and adult siblings cant they all fund this.

If i was going to ask someone to pay for MY financial responsibility, [which I would never do] I would set out what I would do for them in return - did she did that? Offer to do cleaning, dog.walking, ironing, cooking??? Anything?

IME you wont come out well saying no here - given her reason for the request and the fact your mum backs her up. Dont get embrolied in discussion about it. Simply Thanks for the suggestion, this doesnt work for me. If that changes, I will let you know.

Newname26 · 31/08/2026 09:41

Hankunamatata · 31/08/2026 09:29

No you shouldnt pay
Secondly kids are only 3 and 4 they dont need paid hobbies

I bet she wants them to do Dance of some description, lots of kids start Dance and gymnastics at preschool age.

The issue with Dance is it can become very expensive especially with shoes and costumes.

MargotGobby · 31/08/2026 09:42

Same old CF story … instead of thanking you for the kind gesture of paying for the first children’s activities, you’re somehow now in the wrong for not paying even more. Very easy for your mum to spend other people’s money too!

Also she was a single mum last time - this time she has someone to help.

VickyEadie · 31/08/2026 09:42

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 30/08/2026 23:07

I would consider paying just to make the kids happy. But I agree it's entitled and unreasonable and you don't have to.

I would not - because this is what I immediately envisaged: "You paid your children's university fees, you should pay for mine because we can't afford it..."

YourWildAmberSloth · 31/08/2026 09:43

Don't pay, just because you did it for the older siblings, (for very specific reasons) that doesn't mean that you have to do it again. Perhaps your mum should have a conversation with your sister about making better life choices.

2O26 · 31/08/2026 09:45

Pinklightning · 31/08/2026 08:47

I‘m sure I’ve read this before except it was to pay for private school after yous paid for activities/holidays so the cousins could do things together.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5567458-aibu-to-tell-my-best-friend-that-i-cant-financially-level-things-up-between-our-kids?postsby=stingyorfair
The original poster (OP) was asking if they were being unreasonable to say "no" to their sister-in-law (SIL). The wealthy OP had previously paid for nice extras like family holidays and children's activities. However, the entitlement escalated significantly when the OP bought their own child a horse and enrolled them in private school. The SIL expected the OP to "level things up" financially by bankrolling a horse and private school tuition for the niece as well, arguing it was unfair for the cousins to have different lifestyles.

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https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5567458-aibu-to-tell-my-best-friend-that-i-cant-financially-level-things-up-between-our-kids?postsby=stingyorfair

88776555xxz · 31/08/2026 09:46

Surely they have other grandparents to help them if they are that poor?

Or your mum can stop deciding what YOU do with YOUR money and pay for one of the children, and your sister pay for the other?

Most parents scrape together funds when they need to, without getting the begging bowl out

Bargarran · 31/08/2026 09:47

Jesus Wept, what a cheeky bastard. What are you, an ATM on legs?

MxCactus · 31/08/2026 09:47

I don't think you should pay OP.

Also how well off are we talking? From your description I expect your sis in on minimum wage and you guys are on an average wage, IE you and your DP both earn 40k each or something.

If you're high earners, household income of 250-300k+ and the hobby is low cost I think it'd be nice to pay. But otherwise no, you shouldn't pay, your sister shouldn't expect it.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 31/08/2026 09:47

Your sister is a CF, if her and her partner want their children to have expensive hobbies then they need to address their low income situation and pay for them themselves.

VickyEadie · 31/08/2026 09:48

MargotGobby · 31/08/2026 09:42

Same old CF story … instead of thanking you for the kind gesture of paying for the first children’s activities, you’re somehow now in the wrong for not paying even more. Very easy for your mum to spend other people’s money too!

Also she was a single mum last time - this time she has someone to help.

Indeed - the expression 'no good deed goes unpunished' is appropriate here.

dietcokeandapizzaplease16 · 31/08/2026 09:49

You are definitely not being unreasonable, it is an unreasonable and cheeky request.

However, in the spirit of helping out the kids, perhaps you could offer a token amount? For example, if one of the hobbies is Scouts / Guides, you could send them £20 per month if it’s money you won’t miss. That should cover two kids subs, and frees up some of their money to fund other hobbies (which will be far more expensive, I’m guessing).

However, you are under no obligation to do this, and I suspect they wouldn’t be happy with it anyway as they are probably expecting far more.

F63C · 31/08/2026 09:51

SheGood · 31/08/2026 01:23

I have not posted this before. It has only happened today. Check with mumsnet and they can confirm. @MNHQ

Simply tell her you can't afford it now. The economy has changed and we are all living in more difficult times. She can't really argue with that but don't engage after that. She is being incredibly cheeky but I have a sister just like it. I have been NC with her for nearly 20 years as I can't bear her.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/08/2026 09:51

Newname26 · 31/08/2026 09:41

I bet she wants them to do Dance of some description, lots of kids start Dance and gymnastics at preschool age.

The issue with Dance is it can become very expensive especially with shoes and costumes.

Edited

I was thinking horse riding. But it's irrelevant really.

It's a hobby. Nobody HAS to do a hobby. OP, your sister will just have to steer her two youngest towards something cheaper to do - it's not like there's any shortage of available cheap hobbies.

You did a nice thing for her older two because then they could be with their cousins - like paying for entry to a soft play so they can all play together. You wouldn't then start paying for soft play for other children randomly, would you? She's being a bit cheeky. I can understand where she's coming from but just no.

I agree with pp above who said just say you can't afford it.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/08/2026 09:52

Bumcake · 31/08/2026 09:21

Read paragraph 2.

She shouldn’t have asked, but if you can afford it then maybe you could pay in lieu of Christmas or birthday gifts? Seems a shame for the kids to miss out if it’s something they’d enjoy.

Maybe OP's sister and her husband, OP's mum and her sister's in-laws, the children's other grandparents, can all make a contribution so that OP doesn't have to pay it all.

The assumption from everyone who isn't prepared to put their hands in their own pockets is that it is OP's duty to pay for these hobbies as she paid for sister's older children.

Maybe OP would feel more generous if they paid what they could afford and she topped it up to the full amount needed.

I don't think that she has any obligation at all and her sister and mum are being really cheeky but OP might prefer to offer something to keep the peace.

diddl · 31/08/2026 09:56

So is the hobby likely to go on for about 10yrs?

With price increases?

And she's not suggesting that she or the kids father contribute at all?

She & their dad should be paying half at least, maybe even with your mum paying a quarter if she's so bothered!

If you tried that though it wouldn't be long before you ended up paying it al & would be guilt tripped that the kids loved it so you had to keep paying🙄

Long winded way of saying don't pay!

Shinyandnew1 · 31/08/2026 09:56

SheGood · 30/08/2026 23:11

I’m relieved to read that so far no one thinks we should pay. I thought we might be seen as in the wrong for not treating all of the children the same. My mum said we should treat them all the same which means paying and she is usually sensible.

Sorry but your mum doesn’t sound sensible! She sounds entitled. Does she often tell other people what she thinks they should spend their money on, or is it only you?

It sounds like she thinks you should just pipe down and be your sister’s cash cow!

Munchyseeds2 · 31/08/2026 09:59

It's grandparents who should treat grandchildren the same in my mind.
You are not obliged to pay for your sisters kids in any way

Negroniextra · 31/08/2026 10:00

OttersOnAPlane · 30/08/2026 23:06

"We paid for A & B's hobbies so the cousins could do activities together. That's not the situation for C & D. You'll need to pay for your children's activities yourselves."

100% this. How cheeky!!!

nnojoko · 31/08/2026 10:04

These are not children you are raising nor supporting. They have two working parents doing that job - and that’s not you and your husband. If they want certain things for their children, they must find other means for providing instead of making you the plan if they cannot live within their own means.

Your generosity decades ago was just that. It was not a contract to maintain or provide for your sister’s family. You both made your own choices in life and are managing accordingly. Your circumstances in life did not arise by you taking away from your sister to have a comfortable life. You are now both adults with your own households and families. The days of sharing as siblings are long gone!

Your family budget should by no means include supporting a family you have not adopted or maintain children you are not raising unless you are willingly giving to charity.

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