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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to pay for my sister’s younger children’s hobbies?

547 replies

SheGood · 30/08/2026 22:54

Me and my sister had both of our children within months of each other. My sister was younger than me, ended up being a single mum and wasn’t very well off, so we used to pay for her children to do the same hobbies as our children as the they liked being together and my sister wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. Her children stopped doing the hobbies at about 13 as they lost interest. All of the children are now young adults either at uni or working.

My sister has gone on to have 2 children with a new partner who are 3 and 4. She wants them to do the same hobbies as the older children did but can’t afford it. She sent a text today and asked us to pay like we did for her other children. I feel like there is an expectation we do it and my mum has said that we can’t really not do it for the younger children when we did it for the older ones. We can afford it but I feel angry at the expectation. My mum can’t afford to pay as I would tell her to.

We did it for the older ones because it meant our children could do the hobbies with their cousins. If our children weren’t doing it, we wouldn’t have paid. I can understand the argument of doing the same for all of them in a way but there are years between them and the situation isn’t the same.

Are we being unreasonable if we say we are not paying? My sister and partner both work but in low paid jobs. My sister has always struggled financially but I can’t help think having another 2 children was irresponsible if they can’t pay for what they want for them. It’s very obvious that we are better off due to what we have but I feel they look at us and think we should pay just because we are better off. My husband think she’s cheeky but doesn’t care if we pay or not.

OP posts:
Notquitethetruth · 31/08/2026 22:24

Your sister's sense of entitlement is off the scale. How can she think asking you to subsidise not one hobby but two is anyway acceptable. Your mother should be embarrassed at her behaviour, instead she condones it.
You have made the right decision. Your sister and her partner need to learn to live within their means.

caringcarer · 31/08/2026 22:25

SheGood · 31/08/2026 20:25

Because I don’t want to pay any of it. I only paid before because there was a benefit for my children doing activities with their cousins they were growing up with and my sister was left in a horrible situation by her ex.

Well just tell your sister you won't pay for your nieces then. She can't make you.

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:28

caringcarer · 31/08/2026 22:25

Well just tell your sister you won't pay for your nieces then. She can't make you.

I’ve already said I’m going to tell her I’m not going to pay I’m a post about 5 hours ago.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 31/08/2026 22:30

Go OP, with the knowledge that we are all (mostly) behind you! Grin

Newname26 · 31/08/2026 22:32

thenightsky · 31/08/2026 22:10

Yep. Don't even start as xmas gift. I looked up the price of riding lessons. Average is £50 an hour if you are down South. So two kids would be £100 a week. If you kept funding for 10 years, till the same age the first two lost interest, you are looking at over £48k. I mean... Forty Eight Thousand Pounds!

Thats bonkers money.
I was thinking a block for Christmas maybe 6 lessons at £25 so total of £150 each I hadn't appreciated they were £50 an hour in the south.

Actually when you put it like that. It would make more sense to put that into a kids ISA and give them money for Uni or a house deposit.

BTW I'm really not saying Op should save for someone elses children but that's a crazy sum of money, with really nothing to show for it.

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:33

4timesthefun · 31/08/2026 22:21

You had already decided when you wrote your OP, and your position is fair. Even though I would pay if I was comfortable, I wouldn’t pay for horse riding or dance. I was more thinking it was like swimming or soccer, or just a ‘simple’ extracurricular that might really help the kids to have an outlet. From your last posts, it doesn’t sound like you are in the financial position where it would simply go unnoticed too. Families are hard, and while it’s easy for some of us to say we would ignore the dynamic and just think of the kids, we also don’t have years of resentment against your sister! I definitely think she is cheekier for asking you to cover horseriding!!

I hadn’t decided before I wrote the post and read opinions. If the majority of people said this is one of those things where treating them the same is important for how the kids feel in future and the change of circumstances don’t matter, I may have paid but had a word with my sister and mum about not liking the expectation just because ‘you’re richer than us’. As it is, almost everyone finds the request cheeky, probably cheekier than I did initially.

OP posts:
CaroleSP · 31/08/2026 22:34

OP you're absolutely right to tell her no - if you'd said yes she would have asked you to pay for other things as well such as school trips & music lessons.
I hate the way siblings think they're entitled to spend their siblings' money as they see fit. I am childless and experienced regular hints from my elder sibling that I should contribute to private school fees & later university fees for their children that they chose to have & educate privately at the same time as their DM was a SAHM.

Yankiedoodlebabe · 31/08/2026 22:43

Absolutely entitled! You’re correct, if she can’t afford her children’s hobbies then that’s on her and her partner. Find a cheaper hobby or stop having children that you can’t afford.

Newname26 · 31/08/2026 22:45

Op I hear what you are saying about keeping the kids 'the same'.

You were incredibly generous to the older children by paying and you kept them 'the same' as their cousins.

But I really don't think you need to keep these younger children in the same lifestyle as their much older siblings.
Its not like they'll be getting medals and rosettes waved in their faces.

I was going to come out with shite excuses about retirement funds.
But I think I'd just say No that's not possible for you to pay for the other children.

BTW your husband is a very kind man to even consider this for children who aren't even on his side of the family

Plra · 31/08/2026 22:47

Outrageously cheeky. How bout their actual parents pay. Costs will have skyrocketed since the big kids did this stuff anyway.

I woudl ask chat gpt to word the message appropriately.

Anyway, you should be able to spend your own money on your own children.

Unless you have more than £10million, in which case it would be good to help your sister/family with this.

Allowingthebreeze · 31/08/2026 22:49

Please let us know what she says when you say no. Cheeky fuckers should always be brought down a peg or two.

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:51

CaroleSP · 31/08/2026 22:34

OP you're absolutely right to tell her no - if you'd said yes she would have asked you to pay for other things as well such as school trips & music lessons.
I hate the way siblings think they're entitled to spend their siblings' money as they see fit. I am childless and experienced regular hints from my elder sibling that I should contribute to private school fees & later university fees for their children that they chose to have & educate privately at the same time as their DM was a SAHM.

I hope you told the mother to get a bloody job!

We sent our children to private school for secondary and we had comments from my sister and mum about what a shame it was that the kids wouldn’t be going to the same school because they had been at the same primary. I’m sure they thought we should pay.

Both my children and one of hers is at university now. We paid our children’s tuition fees and my mum asked if we would pay for my sisters child as well to make it fair for the kids. I pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair on my sisters other child who didn’t go to uni which seemed to shut it down as she never mentioned it again.

OP posts:
VTown · 31/08/2026 23:05

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:51

I hope you told the mother to get a bloody job!

We sent our children to private school for secondary and we had comments from my sister and mum about what a shame it was that the kids wouldn’t be going to the same school because they had been at the same primary. I’m sure they thought we should pay.

Both my children and one of hers is at university now. We paid our children’s tuition fees and my mum asked if we would pay for my sisters child as well to make it fair for the kids. I pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair on my sisters other child who didn’t go to uni which seemed to shut it down as she never mentioned it again.

Ugh--your mom sounds as awful as your sister! Why is it up to you to make things "fair"? Your mother is treating you like her spouse rather than her child. I could never in a million years imagine my mother asking me to pay for things for my siblings' children. Money is not communal property!

WonderingAndOverthinking · 31/08/2026 23:08

You are definitely not wrong to refuse this request, how bloody cheeky of your sister (and mother!) What has her partner said about this? How do you think she will take being told no?

Newname26 · 31/08/2026 23:11

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:51

I hope you told the mother to get a bloody job!

We sent our children to private school for secondary and we had comments from my sister and mum about what a shame it was that the kids wouldn’t be going to the same school because they had been at the same primary. I’m sure they thought we should pay.

Both my children and one of hers is at university now. We paid our children’s tuition fees and my mum asked if we would pay for my sisters child as well to make it fair for the kids. I pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair on my sisters other child who didn’t go to uni which seemed to shut it down as she never mentioned it again.

If you need an excuse that's your excuse, sorry we cant afford it, we are paying a fortune for kids uni fees.

Abricot1983 · 31/08/2026 23:24

So super you have thought to ask us and remember all the support from when your older two were little. Sorry we are struggling with the extras that come with older children and can’t unfortunately help.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 01/09/2026 00:00

PollyBell · 30/08/2026 23:03

If she cant afford it why on earth did she have more children

Because she is the sort of person who thinks that she can, and not be really be financially responsible for them. Then go around constantly belly aching about how unfair life is.

Somebody else should pay the bill. Be it the State or whoever they can use or guilt trip.

BruFord · 01/09/2026 00:12

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:51

I hope you told the mother to get a bloody job!

We sent our children to private school for secondary and we had comments from my sister and mum about what a shame it was that the kids wouldn’t be going to the same school because they had been at the same primary. I’m sure they thought we should pay.

Both my children and one of hers is at university now. We paid our children’s tuition fees and my mum asked if we would pay for my sisters child as well to make it fair for the kids. I pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair on my sisters other child who didn’t go to uni which seemed to shut it down as she never mentioned it again.

@SheGood Bloomin' heck, the family CFery gets worse!

@CaroleSP Our siblings are all childfree and they've never paid for anything for our children (aside from some birthday/Christmas presents), why on earth should they?!

Bigcat25 · 01/09/2026 00:37

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:00

That would be a very expensive Xmas gift, so no. I don’t want to even pay for one year but I think doing it for one year would set the expectation that every Xmas I covered the hobbies for the year ahead.

I’ve already said that I’ve decided to tell my sister no.

It will just cause more of an issue for the child to quit a hobby they love after one year, and more ammo for sister.

OnyxFire · 01/09/2026 00:42

YANBU at all.

When you paid before it was different circumstances and via your children there was a benefit to you.

I'd say no, it's different circumstances and not something you're able to do.

TigerJoy · 01/09/2026 00:50

Well, don't listen to your mum

LemonPenguin · 01/09/2026 01:00

Your sister is demonstrating a childish level of entitlement that people who have always just relied on handouts from others and never properly supported themselves often show. You are not responsible for her children, financially or otherwise. Definitely a firm ‘No DSis, I was happy to help out when your elder two were little and you were struggling, it wasn’t meant to set an expectation that I’d pay for any future children you might have! I love your children, but they aren’t my responsibility- if you want them to go to classes you’ll need to pay for them’. Honestly I think harsh is the only way with people like this, it’s unbelievably entitled of her!

Bollihobs · 01/09/2026 01:01

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:51

I hope you told the mother to get a bloody job!

We sent our children to private school for secondary and we had comments from my sister and mum about what a shame it was that the kids wouldn’t be going to the same school because they had been at the same primary. I’m sure they thought we should pay.

Both my children and one of hers is at university now. We paid our children’s tuition fees and my mum asked if we would pay for my sisters child as well to make it fair for the kids. I pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair on my sisters other child who didn’t go to uni which seemed to shut it down as she never mentioned it again.

So this isn't her first attempt at being a CF then.

Absolutely right of you to feel as you do and to say No.

Epdrenching · 01/09/2026 01:28

SheGood · 31/08/2026 22:51

I hope you told the mother to get a bloody job!

We sent our children to private school for secondary and we had comments from my sister and mum about what a shame it was that the kids wouldn’t be going to the same school because they had been at the same primary. I’m sure they thought we should pay.

Both my children and one of hers is at university now. We paid our children’s tuition fees and my mum asked if we would pay for my sisters child as well to make it fair for the kids. I pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair on my sisters other child who didn’t go to uni which seemed to shut it down as she never mentioned it again.

Your mother is some piece of work OP.
Wake up!

Ohdearnotthisagain · 01/09/2026 03:11

Yeah, your mum is a huge part of the problem. You need to be clear with her that you don’t want her interference and not comment further.