AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

This is what I was wondering @wontTravelbyherself she might be getting the blame here but there could be more to it

I'd assume ex and wife are taking advantage of being able to tag some time onto her work trips to have a holiday? If it's going to affect half term, why isn't your ex taking the kids away too?

I think you could ask some more questions to really understand long term impact.
Otherwise, it's worth deciding whether or not you want to take a stand about it or whether you are happy with extra time with the kids, but then make sure he's paying e.g. costs of holiday club for half terms plus the extra maintenance.

I think I would say to him that it should have been discussed with you before she ever accepted the job. It sounds like they knew this was going to happen but have only told you once the dates were confirmed? What would have happened if you'd already had business travel planned yourself, or even if you'd made a decision to change jobs and assume they could swap dates about at short notice too? You'd all be in a real mess. He needs to understand that he can't unilaterally change things and expect you to suck it up, its disrespectful to you and to his children - he was a father before he was new woman's wife!

I would take the can't travel alone excuse with a pinch of salt.
If she really is incapable of travelling alone she surely is not competent to do the job.
I would assume he is either jumping at the opportunity to travel himself or else he is insecure about her doing work trips and wants to keep tabs on her.
Whatever the explanation the fact he is opting out of his own parenting responsibilities in order to babysit his wife is showing you, and them, his priorities and it isn't his children.
Definitely make sure you get maintenance payments sorted out to reflect his lack of parenting.

Your ex's wife is being ridiculous to accept a job with regular travel when she is unable to travel alone. Is the travel overseas or just in the UK?

He is letting his children down and I'd be very unhappy about that.

This is what i think too!

but he should make up the time elsewhere.

Make sure he is the one to tell the children. It shouldn’t be you - might make you look complicit in their eyes.

That is my ex. He's always prioritised himself and the OW and subsequent partners / new wife.

They are now 20 and 18. Ex is having to rebuild his relationship with the 20 year old.

Neither like their stepmum.

Doesn't help when they got married, their "D"F couldn't be bothered to ensure his DC were there as guests of honour.

He's a selfish so and so.

He’ll have to find childcare for half term then or take them with him?! Don’t put up with this crap.

He cant just say my wife is seriously weird and needs me to come with her - and is more needy than children who are not adults and actually can’t be left alone!

She won’t travel alone.

I'd call bullshit on that.

This. If she can’t travel on her own she can take her Mum or a mate for half term week.

You need to put this back on to him and point out how upset his children would be...he shouldn't need telling that he should prioritise his children, but his behaviour shows he isn't and he needs a reality check

If he's a good dad, he will accept this and tell his partner he needs to be around for his kids

It’s vanishingly unlikely that her employer would be paying for him to go - my dh travels extensively for work and that is just not a thing! I could go but the only I’d not have to pay for would be accommodation. And I think they’d be a bit 🙄 if I did it too often because he’s actually supposed to be working!

Surely childcare in his time with the kids is his problem to solve?

If the situation is indeed temporary - that travel is just an initial thing and won't happen again - then I can see why the wife might have taken the job. Overall it's a good thing to slightly push your boundaries and if she suffers anxiety generally and the support of DH is what she needs to get this presumably better job, then, without the complicating factor of childcare, I'm sure most of MN would think it's a good thing.

Obviously childcare is the complicating factor. If OP you are able to look after the DCs and it is time limited as indicated the this would undoubtedly be best for the DC. I'd do the calculations and get the extra maintenance though. And get a guarantee (as much as these things can be guaranteed) that it's a one-off and if you need the favour returned at any point, it will be.

I’d say you could cover the weekends but half term is not on. That the children want to see him and are losing out here. Make it his problem: don’t enable her.

This isn't much notice at all. At my workplace all the holiday for October half term was booked off months ago!

If this is true she is a big old wet lettuce but he's an enabler. I am inclined to think he wants some free holiday accomms though. I have done this pre-kids - paid for flights to LA for example and stayed with DH in his room.

Dh used to go to conferences and a lot of the people in his work payed for partners to go. We had young kids so I decided not to but it’s not unusual and I wouldn’t say she’s insecure just would like him either her because travelling can be a faff. Don’t overthink it just figure out what you can or can do

Not the point, but will your DH be forking out for his own travel on these trips or will her company be paying for flights for them both?? Either way it’s a big old cost.

That is terrible. He should work this out around his existing responsibilities to his children.

Seems very odd that she takes a job that requires a lot of travel but she doesn't travel alone. I wonder if she told them that before she took the job. She must be shit hot at what she does if the company are prepared to pay for a chaperone for her.

Can you ask your ex to sort childcare for when he is meant to have them? Or are you happy to have them?
It doesn't seem right that he can unilaterally say he can't have them without offering an alternative.

I wouldn’t just accept this. You have to push back. I would say…

Are you serious? So you can’t have them for the whole of half term? So all of those 10 days? The kids will be so upset at this. Is Sophie ok? I hope she’s not unwell? What do you mean she can’t travel alone? I don’t really understand what’s happening here. Sophie gets a new job and that is impacting your job, my job, and our children. Sounds like my life is going to be quite different from now on and will have a lot more childcare to sort. I can’t believe I’m suggesting this for a woman of aged 35, but can’t she take her Mum on a couple of the trips? Why can’t she go alone? Sorry Mike, but this is all really odd. Can we discuss this properly face to face, I feel I’m being done over here.

they will miss him. I would be adding up how much he actually will see them between Sep and Christmas- assume not a lot? - and would be laying on the guilt thickly.

That. And I'd make it clear that you're highly disappointed that he's putting them last and prioritising what seems entirely unnecessary trips.

You mention she has anxiety and maybe she’s trying to get over it and he’s being supportive.

It’s plenty of notice. Sounds like you have a good relationship, can you just agree alternative days so the kids don’t miss out?

I wonder if the actual issue is that she normally does a lot of/all of the grunt work when he has the kids?

It's ridiculous. Who takes a job that they can't do unless accompanied by their husband. What parent stops half their time with their DC to help their spouse travel to work. Very strange. A mother wouldn't get away with it.