AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

Yeah, unless she is being forced to go to Afghanistan or similar, I just don’t get it. And obviously, if you were being forced to go to such places, you just wouldn’t take the job 🤷‍♀️.

YANBU. His partner clearly has a major issue AND, for whatever reason, chose the wrong job for her capabilities. (Maybe she's had trouble getting a job and needed to accept this one for financial reasons?)

Realistically, I don't think there's anything you can do. Make him be the one to tell the children he's choosing not to spend time with them anymore. If you need to use a holiday club to enable you to work, ask him to pay for the additional costs.

His children are not his priority - he left them.

OP, is this travel within the UK or overseas? Surely for half term he could take the kids with them. Her employer picks up the bill for her travel expenses and your ex tops that up for the bigger room.

As her employer I would be concerned that she is having the need to take her partner away every business trip.

Duplicated post

I would be telling him that’s not my problem I might be kind enough to do a couple of the weekends but I would be telling him he has to find a school club for October half term pay for it and find someone to take the kids to it as it’s his time and he’s choosing his pathetic partner rather than his kids

And see it as a bonus that you have the kids with you more!

I understand that his wife wants to do it - travelling with partner is more fun, and if it helps her to overcome her anxieties, good for her. Maybe a a few months of support will enable her to continue on her own.

The issue is that he is willing to de-prioritise his time with children so much.
Is he capable and willing to take care of them himself without her support, or is he running away from having them solo (under the pretence of supporting her)?

Nothing strange about this at all.

Its quite simply either:

A) She has a new job that involves travelling to some nice places, her expenses ie flights and hotel room are covered and they can make a weekend of it he covers his flights

B) She’s away so will not be around to help with childcare.

It will be one of those.

It’s very strange that someone who doesn’t like to travel takes a job involving … travel.

The telling you the times he can’t do that would wind me up. They are his children, so he has responsibility for them. He should have explained the situation to you and asked you if you could care for them for extra weekends and holidays while he supports his wife.

If I were you I’d find out just how temporary this is or whether it will be ongoing thing where he just informs you of the times he can’t have his own children and expects you to make arrangements around him. If it is - then be clear he needs to ask you before he books anything and put it on him to work out how he will ensure he is still seeing his children regularly. Then think if there’s anything else you’d like from him in return.

Definitely ask him to swap weekends that he sees them so the children are not missing their weekends with him and if he doesn't want to take the children with him for October half term then he needs to cough up for holiday club or arrange someone to look after them.

What I guess has gone on here:

Ex has the weekends off that he has DC. Wife's work comes with travel. DH only needs to pay for his own flights and food and will be able to stop in wife's room for free (work usually book a room and almost every hotel only has doubles as their standard room offer). I'm guessing these weekends are to some nice city destinations that would make for a nice weekend away. Wife has asked ex if he wants to come along and he has said yes.

Half term I'm guessing again is to somewhere that works as a holiday destination, possibly there for the whole half term but not working every single day but it's cheaper or less work for the company to fly them out as a group, get a group rate on rooms at the hotel and fly them all back. For longer trips especially over weekends some employers turn a blind eye to partners tagging along and stopping in the same room as long as partner buys own flights and buys their own food, I.e. doesn't cost the company any money.

She's probably said you are off anyway so not losing money, ask/tell that I can't travel by myself to lessen the chance of kicking off. Or ex has invented that reason himself so he can go.

I do wonder about her taking a job with travel if she can't genuinely travel by herself and knowing her DP has children. I wonder if the wife is doing a lot of the grunt work/ running around caring for ex's children when he has them over the weekends/ holidays and has taken this new job knowing there is weekend/ holiday travel as a way to get out of caring responsibilities for the children. Leaving ex with possibly having to actually be the lead parent with his children and he's decided he is going with wife, especially if she's mentioned that partners can go with and he's gone ah I'm off that weekend she's travelling to Paris and I'll tag along and tell @wontTravelbyherself I can't have the kids.

It’s rubbish. His wife’s work issues shouldn’t become your childcare issues. And he shouldn’t be ‘telling you’, this should be part of a discussion.

The 3 weekends should be swapped with other weekends if possible, so the children still get to see their Dad. And he needs to sort out a half term holiday club if he can’t have them at at half term.

He's lying- he just wants to go on paid mini breaks with her. I would def tell him that I don't believe for a second that his wife would apply for a job she's too anxious to perform on her own. Ask him how He's planning to make up the time with the children and that he needs to pay for holiday camp in October and extra maintenance for the week-ends.

It’s not fair on your children to miss out on their contact time with their father. It’s also not fair on you to have your agreed schedule messed about with no negotiations.

He needs to arrange alternative child care for any dates which impact your work. He also does need to adjust maintenance payments.

Someone too anxious to travel getting a job involving extensive travel does seem bizarre, and employers allowing a spouse to tag along seems very unusual. In 20-odd years of being married to someone who travels a lot for work, I’ve only flown to meet him once, as his birthday weekend fell in a period of work away.

PPs eg have suggested that he’s after child free mini breaks might be on to something, as well as the suggestions that she might do the actual child care.

I don't find it strange - I think he's taking the piss. His priority should be his children, this sounds like an excuse for a jolly. What happens if you're not available to step in while they bugger off? If he isn't available, he should be making alternative arrangements, not just telling you he won't be there and leaving you to figure it out. I hope he has at least had the guts to tell the children himself. Don't focus on his wife, he is the problem, not her.

As you get on well, can you do as pp suggested and have a proper chat about this? Your kids will miss him, presumably he will miss them, and it’s really odd. As well as letting all of you down at quite short notice.

Nonsense posters such as @Justwalk should be removed.

This. My guess would be that she's cabin crew and ex is looking forward to some nice cheap trips... How selfish.

Op said her Ex is self employed so annual leave isn't an issue, what will be a problem is his income if he's paying to travel with her and not earning

Ooh I like your style!

Mine would, and does, as a reasonable adjustment for a disabled employee.

There are various possibilities here,

1. Her anxiety is much worse than you thought, in which case I might want to make some gentle enquiries about how that might affect my DC during dads contact time.
2. She does all the childcare and he is ducking out of parenting without her.
3. Her travel is to great places and he wants to accompany her.
4. He doesn’t trust her/she has form/he doesn’t want her travelling alone.
5. She has another disability you don’t know about which makes the solo travel difficult.

Regardless, you need to think about what you can do to accommodate and what is best for DC. I am assuming they would rather be home with you than in any childcare setting he arranged?

However, what if you had already booked a week away at half term? He is being really selfish. It’s interesting he can afford the loss of income and the additional maintenance burden.

There is something odd about it, I guess it will all come out eventually.

What is that makes those 3 particular weekends poxy? Or are all weekends poxy? I had no idea.

I would be getting the ick if I was him