AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

“I’m supporting my wife, she can’t travel alone” is spinning it in a way that he likely thinks sounds noble, and will be better received over “I’m joining my wife on a childfree mini break”.

It’s also throwing her right under the bus by redirecting your ire towards her.

I'd imagine he's lying about her not being able to travel alone.
If that was the case she wouldn't do a job that required lots of travel.

He's just bullshitting you to get out of his responsibilities. And blaming it on his wife.

Nice to be able to opt out of being a parent when it's inconvenient.

What's frightening about this thread is the number of people who immediately jumped to money and/childcare as their first response. The most important issue here is neither of things, it's the children. Imagine, as a child, learning that your own father is prioritising a fully grown woman over you. Adjusting to post-divorce life is difficult enough for kids but to then have their routine thrown out again is potentially very damaging for them. Sod the money and the childcare, I would be going into this discussion leading with the impact on his kids first.

Would you honestly encourage your husband to let his children down becaue you fancy doing something 'together'?

So as she’s away he doesn’t want to look after them ?

possibly. Is he usually an attentive dad @wontTravelbyherself

This. Thank him for letting you know and ask has he told the children what arrangements he's put in place.

Oh and he is not cancelling childcare. He is cancelling his parenting duties.

I call bullshit.

No one in their right mind takes on a new job involving lots of travel when they have significant anxiety about travelling. It would be like me taking a job involving a dentists!

Something else is going on here.

I would push back with a “I appreciate that there is a lot of change going on with the new job. But, this does not need to impact the children to this great extent. We can review the odd weekend if needed. The children are with you for October half term. Will you be needing their passports?”

I have a very strong feeling that if you pushback, more info will come to light. I’d put good money on a pregnancy or they are heading for the rocks and she doesn’t trust him to be at home while she is away.

Whats this got to do with you? If they’re his weeks/weekends then it’s his problem to solve. If he is asking if you can help him then I guess you can decide if that’s possible or not.

Are you her ex-husband?! What a weird response.

Put your foot down. This is setting a precedent.

Unless she is starting a new job in January this is going to become the norm.

This is clearly not a suitable job for her if she needs someone to hold her hand to attend it.

not Really your business as to his and his partners relationship but I would say that either you readjust the arrangement as clearly his wife is more important than his kids or tell him he needs to find alternative childcare in his weekends etc. Don’t need to be personal about it but he doesn’t get to tell you what he can do and not do and expect you to be fine with it and do as you are told

If i were you, I would thank him for letting you know, but state that this impacts on the children and that it isnt fair to them, who were looking forwrad to spending half term with him, just because she has changed jobs, the children shouldn't suffer as a result, which they are. Could they go with him, if he is travelling with her? And if not, why not?

Yes it’s shitty and really crap on the kids. I hope he’s planning on explaining why he is prioritising his wife to them and not leaving it to you!
I bet it’s nothing to do with not travelling alone. She’ll be staying in nice hotels, he gets a jolly out of it too and is picking and choosing when to work.
Not sure there’s a whole lot you can do other than talk to him and tell him you think the kids will be disappointed, he’s leaving the childcare arrangements to you over the October break (that’s the part that would piss me off the most) and he should be prioritising the children.
Is this court ordered contact?
He probably won’t take heed of what you say. At least it’s only temporary- hopefully!

If that is the court approved agreement (and even if it isn’t) I would be telling him he will have to arrange childcare in his days. Why do men think they can pick up and down when it suits them?

YANBU if it's his time he needs to sort childcare not you. 'Oh sorry changing dates doesn't work for me except for the first weekend, hope you can get the childcare sorted ok, if not maybe DW can speak to her employer about not travelling in her role?'

I have literally no idea why some people are so pathetic that they have to drag their partner everywhere with them and can't travel alone (obviously NOT meaning people who have disabilities etc but more those who just refuse to stand on their own two feet). As you say, no problem at all if you are too anxious to travel but then don't take a job requiring loads of travel.

Surely, he can take the kids with him. If I needed Dh to travel with me for work (and I don’t), Dh would surely be doing nothing all day, so while she is working, so he can have the children.

Realistically, taking a job that involves a lot of travel when you are afraid to travel 🙄 seems a bit stupid. They must be spending a significant amount of her additional earnings on him travelling with her, which defeats the point. Sounds to me like she probably does all the hard work with the kids and he doesn’t want to be left actually parenting while she is away.

Are you taking his word for it that that's the reason he's going? Perhaps he wants to go she gets free travel for him he will enjoy it perhaps he doesn't trust her but she's pregnant and needs a bit of hope whatever it shouldn't affect on you and I think you should definitely apply relevant maintenance changes. Presumably you're going to have to pat for at least some childcare. This is an arrangement that affects you and should affect him financially even if morally he's managed to square it with himself. Christmas is off the table if he can't fulfill his obligations during the hard weeks he sure as shit wouldn't get the good days. Boxing Day and overnight that day but no more Christmas Eve or Christmas days if he's arbitrarily changing school holiday cover. What a wanker

I would suggest he takes them with him for half term. He can pay for their flights etc. They can go out during the hours she is working.
What is he going to do while she is working anyway?

"Gosh, that sounds tricky. Who is going to have the kids on those days? Hope you manage to work it out!"

Can you take extra time off to accommodate his travels?
If not, he needs to be sourcing some alternative childcare.

Why hasn't HE told his wife that his children come first? It has nothing to do with the new wife and everything to do with the children's father.
HE is responsible for childcare during this time. Not his current wife, not his ex-wife. It is up to him to sort out and it sounds very much like an excuse to get out of childcare.

Why on earth did she take the job then? FFS, it’s one things for her to inconvenience herself, but this is impacting both the children and you. I would agree to sort things this time but be clear you can’t all be expected to continue changing your life plans continuously because of her job and insecurities. She’s caused this issue so she needs to resolve it in the long-term.

It matters because he is letting his children down

Him and his new partner have plenty of child free days a month in which they can go on a trip that don't affect his time with his children