AIBU to find my ex cancelling childcare for his wife’s travel strange

It’s odd yes. She may have some health issues (that’s completely fine for him to not disclose obviously). I would ask if everything is ok.

’hi ex, that’s fine - I am pleased to have the extra time with them. Is everything ok though? It is very out of character for you to miss out on time with them and I know they will be disappointed not to see you over the holidays’

Send him the number for a 24/7 nanny agency or offer to provide childcare at market rates.

After reading many threads, it did occur to me:
Is there a chance that she was doing most of the childcare while he was out at the gym? Resentment built up over time, and she decided to change some things in her life. Instead of him stepping up as a parent, he decided to follow her…

Absolutely

His wife’s anxiety is not your business .
Him taking care of his kids is your business and this is what he should do
He cannot unilaterally decide that he can’t take the kids .

Why don’t you ask again if he can switch these dates? I think it’s unreasonable to ask you to take on so many additional dates, but I don’t think it’s unusual to expect some form of flexibility. It’s better to try to keep things civil, especially if you have a good coparenting relationship. His wife is part of your children’s family (step mum) and he is in a hard place to keep both his wife and his kids happy. I’m sure there may come a time where you wish to have some flexibility with dates so this could also help you in the future.

Why take a job that involves alot of travelling if shes scared to travel alone like im scared of spiders I wouldn't take a job that involved them , very odd .
His children should be his priority his wife's a grown ass woman or is it a case of HE doesn't want her going on business trips alone ?

Not your job to be the emotional support animal for your ex-husband‘s new wife

he needs to sort the childcare out on his own during his time that’s it

But if that's the arrangement, that's the arrangement.

I did say 'in my experience'. And what I experienced was: whenever I pointed out to my ex that he was failing to spend his agreed time with his kids, he'd tell me to be quiet or he wouldn't see them at all. Hopefully OP's ex is a lot more reasonable.

I grew up being fed the ‘don’t rock the boat’ mantra. Sometimes standing up for yourself and your children is the right thing to do.

Here we have a man shirking his parenting responsibilities and hurting his children.

While OP can’t force him to see his children, she can point out how hurtful this is for the children, and damaging to their relationship and emotional development.

It seems very strange on her part although it's not our place to speculate.
He's choosing her over his kids in this scenario because she's the one he lives with and she'll no doubt have certain expectations of him. In my experience it's better not to rock the boat, however annoying and unfair it seems. Infuriating for you and sad for the kids but this is one of the hazards of being the resident parent/the child of divorced parents.

I think I'd message back to say, 'The children are going to be extremely upset, particularly about half term, which they were expecting to spend with you. Is there a specific reason Anna needs to take priority over them at this point? I will leave it to you to explain this to them'.

I'd be pissed off that he thinks he gets to unilaterally make this decision when it affects you and the children.

Couple of other posters have nailed it, he can take the kids with him for half term at least. If travel anxious wife who has inexplicably taken a job that requires extensive travel will be working the whole time it's a lovely opportunity to spend some quality time with his children.

What do you mean he cancelled chacare? Had he arranged childcare for the October mid term that he has now cancelled?

his time with them isn’t childcare - it’s parenting. He should arrange and pay for childcare for his time if he needs it.

it is sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his children and odd that his wife can’t travel alone, but took a job that involves travel.

He’s not cancelling childcare, he’s cancelling parenting - you can’t cancel parenting. It’s not optional, whether you have a spineless wife or not

This is a HE problem, not a new partner problem.

My bet is that she is capable of traveling alone - but he doesn't want to parent without her support so is turning an invitation/minor comment from her into the big reason why he can't parent his children - and he can sounds reasonable to himself, that he does it to suppport his partner, not to run away from his children.

Focus on that - you can be somehow flexible, but he needs to parent his children.

I would lose all respect for that woman and would be seriously questioning her abilities as a step mother. If she can't cope with her own job and life then she can't be expected to cope with children. I know childcare isn't her responsibility as such, but it calls into question how capable is he of minding DC when he has a partner who also needs minding and what happens if he needs to pop out, is she able to cope when alone with them. I would put that to him, more subtly of course. If he has been just making this up and is enjoying child free weekends away then you'll be calling his bluff a bit.

@Cyclingmummy1 at the time we had his children every weekend so yes I did encourage him to. He’s allowed a weekend free as well.

Two daughters 13 and 14. Seperated 2 years after 20 years marriage.
Dad has 1 bedroom flat.
He sees the children Tuesday's 5-7 for dinner where he pickes them up at my house, takes them to his, feeds them and then brings them back. Friday night picks them up between 5/6pm, feeds them, has them over night and brings them back very latest ever saturday lunchtime for lunch.
Last 2 times he has said not doing this anymore as girls are arguing. Youngest sleeps in his bed in bedroom, eldest sleeps on sofa bed in front room and he sleeps on blow up bed on the floor.
He says his flat is not suitable for this. He shouldn't be sleeping on the floor.
I feel he doesnt have them anywhere near enough, also doesn't pay maintenance even though works full time because 'I get the benefits for having the children.'
I feel like lots of excuses and also I deserve a decent 24hrs minimum to myself.
AIBU?

The reason behind it is irrelevant and shouldn't be up to you to validate, however, your ex needs to consider how this new arrangement is going to work longterm if at all.

It is not childcare, it is parenting and he should not just opt out like that in favour of his current partner who is an adult so fully capable of travelling on her own or she should not have taken the job. I would be cross and letting him know that but ultimately you cannot make him take the children but he should explain to his kids why he won't be seeing them over half term although why he cannot take them with him I do not know unless this is an outright pack of lies and they are using the wifes work trips to subsidise holidays for themselves. I would lean towards this being a complete pack of lies as why would she have to travel and work weekends.

I'd be surprised if her work were happy with this. My husband has travelled all over the world with his job but I'm not allowed to go with him even if he's away for several weeks.

She won’t travel alone - bullshit. He just wants to get a holiday out of it while the hotel is paid for by her company.