Birthday fuss and expense for others

surely not asking them excludes them more definitively?!

Big birthday celebrations might be the norm amongst this woman's other friendship group/s and family and she might think she's doing a nice thing by inviting OP. You only have to see the amount of posts on here moaning about being left out of an invite that sometimes people can't do wrong for doing right.

The only thing the friend did wrong was not take OP's no for an answer. __

Surely she can't be dense enough not to realise that it's an awful lot of money to expect others to spend on her birthday?

But they aren't "spending it on her birthday" they are (if they choose to go) spending it on a night away and night out.

Would it bother you less if the friend had said "We've got a tradition of always going away for a night or two at the end of September, would you like to join us?"

This is a newish friend, how would she have any idea what the OP's budget is for going out and enjoying herself? Even people who have the same budget have very different priorities about what they spend it on. People spend all sorts of money on things I wouldn't consider spending money on, and I presume there will be things I spend money on that others might say they 'can't afford'. That's even before we obviously all have different amounts of money available to us.

I also don’t think it’s a chance to “get the girls together” because the people she’s invited are from a few groups of friends. It’s not like a big group of long established mates.
I’m not sure if it’s even going ahead now. Only 3 have confirmed yes.

I think some people are just very self absorbed. A few years ago, I spent £800 attending a hen do abroad (meaning I couldn’t take my children on holiday that year) plus extra for the wedding. Plus it was the friends 30th birthday later same year that also cost a fair amount. When it came to my birthday she suggested ‘crisps and dip’ at a mutual friends house because she couldn’t even be arsed to go for a meal. I’ve learnt the hard way that some people are happy for a lot to be spent on them and love the attention on them but god forbid it’s someone else’s turn. Keep my circles very small now.

Ah that's so sad. She clearly wants that big type of group of girl friends and doesn't have it, so she's tried to force it with random people she knows, but it hasn't really worked. Hopefully the 4 of them will still have a good time!

The contempt dripping from your posts though, is staggering. I would be devastated if someone I thought was a friend thought about me the way you're thinking and talking about her. Ew. You're not her friend.

Nope, I think it would be awful. Not my thing and I’ve declined with no dramas. My close friends and I often go for meals but I think I’m done with endless cocktails and 80s themed nights. Well, 80s themed nights was never for me anyway

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun, but if they decline why question it?
Weddings I understand, spending money on my kids, happy to! Same with my husband and parents big birthdays, happy to go all out, but I’ve been asked to spend about £300 on someone’s birthday, said no, and I’m being asked why??

Seems to be two different questions being asked here. I’ll answer the first one YES it’s reasonable to ask people - because they can decline. It’s an invite not a summons.

Secondly, no it’s NOT reasonable to challenge people when they’ve said no. It’s massively rude of her to ask you why or make you feel bad about it in any way.

A group of me and my friends went to a European city for my 30th. Some declined and that was fine. The ones who went either got to see a new city or revisit one they’ve already been to and liked. We all had a brilliant time.

I have spent hundreds attending peoples wedding and baby showers - whereas if I ever do get married I plan to elope. And not everyone will have kids. I don’t know if I will.

Why is it reasonable for people to ask me to spend money on a baby shower or a wedding (and in some cases I’ve not seen those friends after the wedding!) but I can’t ask them to spend money for a birthday?

Look - I’ve declined birthday trips, hen parties and weddings and baby showers . I’ve also attended all those things. Anyone can invite you to anything and anyone can decline. No one should be offended on either side.

Why didn’t you politely decline the hen do? I’d never say yes to attending something like that if it meant my children wouldn’t get a holiday.
These things are within our control…

I mean it depends on circumstances and the type of thing you enjoy, but I love a night away with my friends, and these days it happens once in a blue moon, so I would jump at the chance if someone else organised it. I can also see why it wouldn’t appeal to some, or might be too much to spend at a particular time, that’s fine too. I think it’s harsh to take offence at. I would be glad she wanted to spend time with you, wish her a great time and a happy birthday.

I’d be tempted to reply ‘I don’t like you quite enough to justify spending that sort of money’. 😂

Yes you’re right, I suppose I am disagreeing with myself. I suppose what I mean is knock yourself out if you’re into paying for things like this, but what I disagree with is being asked why. It’s just not something I want to pay for, at all.

I think some people are just very self absorbed. A few years ago, I spent £800 attending a hen do abroad (meaning I couldn’t take my children on holiday that year) plus extra for the wedding. Plus it was the friends 30th birthday later same year that also cost a fair amount. When it came to my birthday she suggested ‘crisps and dip’ at a mutual friends house because she couldn’t even be arsed to go for a meal. I’ve learnt the hard way that some people are happy for a lot to be spent on them and love the attention on them but god forbid it’s someone else’s turn. Keep my circles very small now.

That's shocking! You do live & learn

What is it with women (I’ll say women as I’ve never personally known a man to do this) who want to make a huge fuss for their own birthdays, involving others spending £100s ! Not even big birthdays, say 39 or something??

I’ve got a newish friend, and we met as our daughters grew close over the last few years as they’re in the same sports activity every week. We get on, not best friends but meet for coffee etc. We have been away overnight with the girls when they compete.

Anyway, I’ve been invited to her birthday night out end of September, and she wants to go to another city by train, book a hotel etc. I’ve politely declined and said I would go to a local night for for a meal or something. I’m not paying for hotels, travel, food, drinks etc for someone’s birthday. I would never expect anyone to spend that on me, and I can’t believe anyone thinks it normal to ask others to drop loads of money to celebrate them.

Before anyone says, just say no, you can decline etc. Well I’ve declined and she’s messaged away from the group chat she set up, to say she’s disappointed I can’t make it and asked why?

I haven’t replied yet but I’ll be honest and say I’m not paying £300 or more for a night out.

Is it just me who would never ask people to fork out hundreds of pounds for their birthdays. If people are willing to, that’s great and have fun, but if they decline why question it?

Weddings I understand, spending money on my kids, happy to! Same with my husband and parents big birthdays, happy to go all out, but I’ve been asked to spend about £300 on someone’s birthday, said no, and I’m being asked why??

With my absolute best friends, we just go out for a meal, no fuss.

Years ago, someone else wanted me to spend nearly all I had in savings to go to Vegas for her wedding, and I said no to that, and she was put out by that too! (And got divorced a year after the wedding).

AIBU here?

It’s off, not enough people to go so more than likely will be a local night somewhere, which I’m happy to go to.

She has now said (word for word, copied and pasted) “ l had better start planning my 40th for next year now, so we can all save and keep the date in the diary. I am thinking a long weekend in Croatia or Barcelona 🎉🎉. No one should have plans for next September so we can sort something out soon!!!”

Now, for me. I don’t want to go. Those places will likely be lovely but I’d rather go with my family, or sisters, or close friends. Saying no now will make me look like a massive bitch!