Birthday fuss and expense for others

I’ve had this before and went along a couple of times but when Thailand was suggested as a birthday holiday trip for her I told her it was ridiculous

While I personally don’t make as big a deal of my birthday and likely wouldn’t spend that much attending someone else’s who wasn’t a best friend, some people would love to so it’s perfectly fine to plan something like this and invite you along, YABU for judging that just because you wouldn’t do it. It is however also perfectly fine for you say no to attending, and she’d get a lovely YABU label for prying into why you’ve declined.

I probably would have simply replied something like ‘unfortunately have prior commitments, have a great time’ instead of delving into the fact you don’t think her event is worth spending your money on, there’s a chance that doesn’t end well and you have children who are friends and do activities together that require you to spend overnights with this woman. Can’t be undone though so hopefully the conversation ends there and things move on!

I wouldnt see it as "celebrating them" its an excuse to do something nice. Ignore its a birthday do you fancy that trip with those people? Thats how id think about it. If its not something you'd want to do then just say no, its an invite not a summons. I think its nice to be invited, equally I wouldnt expect anyone to be offended if I just didnt fancy it!

Different strokes for different folks. Assuming she has friends who will enjoy the birthday bash, and are not short of money.

Totally agree. TBF no one in my real life does it, but I see posts like this where a grown woman is celebrating her birthday week!
About the men not doing it-it does seem sad that my young son,at about 8, knew the trope about "girl's birthday-a million messages/boy's birthday-none". I know that when I was younger, the only reason the boys/men in our group got celebrated was because of the girls/women there. Yes you could blame the individuals, but like the boys don't cry thing, it's at a societal level.

Not my experience in life at all.

Some people like to celebrate their birthdays and some don't. Nothing to do with if you are a boy, girl, man, or woman.
As it happens, I've been to birthday celebrations for 6 different people in the last 3 months, only one was female.

Completely agree, even for milestone birthdays I have always been really considerate of asking others to shell out too much money, keeping it to a drink or meal. I really near to Xmas so am always pathetically grateful to anyone who can spare a few hours tbh! I know people in my situation who celebrate on another date in the year and (aside from the big ones) I always find this a bit cringe also, once one is an adult!

It's not normal. When me or my husband Hve had 'big' birthdays we have always hosted and provided the food (whether in a restaurant or at home) but within our families, we have always been asked to pay for our meals out when celebrating other people's birthdays and I do not like it one bit.

....Sorry I won't be able to join you as I already have plans. Have a lovely time....

Your budget isn't her business.

Use your big girl words and tell her why. You don’t want to spend that amount of money on a birthday night out but will celebrate with her locally another time

I think for any event if it is further away or a more costly activity then you have to expect that everyone will be able to make it.
Also if there are a crowd of people already going then she wont really miss you.
I would just say if it was local you would come but its a big expense so you won't be able to make it but you hope she has a great time.
Oh and actually I think a lot of males do similar but perhaps before they have family commitments etc

Exactly … why are you turning it into such a drama? I can’t afford it … end of. She can plan what she likes for her bday.

It's annoying. I have two friends from different groups who want to have week long foreign holidays next year to celebrate their significant birthdays. I do not have the holiday leave or the money. Nor do I want to be away from my family that much!

Often this sort of thing is about having a big night out with a particular group of people, rather than being me-me-me. The birthday is the mechanism to get everyone's shit together because if you tried to organise a big night out with no "reason" attached then people would flake. In a few months they'll do the same for another of the friends' birthdays.

I once went to Berlin "for a friend's birthday". Everyone who went wanted to go anyway and had talked about planning it - the birthday was just the hook. She didn't make us celebrate her specifically while we were out there!

In my experience making a fuss over one's birthday isn't defined by gender at all.

I agree with this. It’s not necessarily about celebrating the person whose birthday it is, it’s about all getting together and doing something nice! The birthday is just the excuse for the get together. Everyone is getting the holiday!
I have never taken offence to being invited to something. It’s nice to be invited! If I want to go I go, and if I don’t I don’t.

Everyone gets the dinner and cocktails though don’t they, not just the person whose birthday it is?
OP maybe it would help if you tell your friends you’d rather not be invited to things like this?

How embarrassing for her, and messaging you to ask why is very cringey.

Yes I really don't understand the MN thing of taking offence at an invite. If I don't want to go or can't afford it I just... say so? And there's no drama or bad feelings.

Well yes most birthday things I've been to are like this, most people have a few groups of friends. It's how you meet new people and form new social groups. I feel sorry for her that her idea is flopping though.

Why is this embarrassing? We are getting older, we should at least get a cake and a few cocktails out of it 😂. I agree with OP that no one should be spending £100s on someone's birthday and her friend is being unreasonable. I wouldn't expect my friends to do this but I do love going out for a nice meal locally with family/drinks with friends for my birthday. Everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday and in my opinion no one should be made to feel embarrassed about it.

Absolutely correct. Also goes for hen weekends and destination weddings. Especially nowadays when for most people money is tighter. It's an unhealthy narcissism. Why should your friends shell out for YOUR celebration?