Birthday fuss and expense for others

I don't think she should be questioning you declining, but there's nothing wrong with her wanting to go away with friends to celebrate her birthday. I wouldn't see it as spending money on her, I'd be spending money on the experience for myself. I went to Ibiza for a friends birthday when I was younger, it wasn't even a very close friend but I had close friends going on the trip and had a great time. I've had a few nights away for friends birthdays too, it's been fun and not something I viewed as a gift to them.

Exactly. If I go out for a meal and cocktails for my friend’s birthday, then I am getting a meal and cocktails out with my friends! If I go on a hen weekend, I am getting a weekend away with my friends. If I don’t want to go, I say no.

How boring life would be if we all just spent our time and resources doing things with our immediate family. There’s loads of posts on here about how people find it hard to make friends and want to do more socially.

You were invited to a night away with dinner, cocktails and a hotel stay. Sounds fun to me, I’d probably have gone. Irrelevant that it’s ’for her birthday’, as others have said, that’s just a hook. You don’t fancy it, so fine, you’ve said no.

Your friend did miss the mark slightly asking you why you said no but perhaps she genuinely wanted to understand more about why there wasn’t as much interest as she hoped so she can adapt or suggest something a bit different next time. Sounds like she’s taken your response gracefully and moved on.

Based on what you’ve said, I think you should reframe this in your mind. Rather than being upset she wanted you to spend money on her for her birthday, wasn’t it actually a nice thing she tried to do in inviting you to a social event? No need to make a big deal of it. Perhaps she could have done things differently but it’s brave to put yourself out there and be the one to initiate activities such as this. As someone else mentioned, it’s now a bit embarrassing for her that it’s seemingly a bit of a flop. Cut her some slack.

I think MN seems to attract a lot of very unsociable people. In real life, people tend to like going out and socialising with their friends, and appreciate being invited along to things.
I agree that in this situation, asking why the OP didn’t want to go was a bit much, but that’s particular to this situation. In general, inviting someone along to something isn’t offensive or unreasonable.

I'm clearly in the minority here but the whole 'night/ weekend away' thing I generally hate. Fine if with close friends (even though this too in my case tends to end up in people getting too drunk and causing dramas) but I just don't see the appeal of being on a weekend away with people just because our kid is in the same class at school or on the same sports team. The amount of organising I need to do to have the rest of the family braced for me not being there for days. Then we are always going somewhere I have no interest in and doing stuff i don't enjoy with people I barely know and it always costs a fortune. I honestly dread getting these invitations!

I think you have handled it well OP by just saying you can't go, but these people who make a fuss about birthdays tend to get very annoyed when people don't go along with it so expect future frostiness.

It's alot of money for a night away & it's so rude she questioned why you aren't going

Absolutely, expensive summer holidays, new uniforms to buy & people thinking about Christmas. I'm not surprised lots of people said no

Well yes, that’s why you can decline if it’s not for you. Why would anyone say yes to an invitation to something they don’t want to go to?

These egotistical "destination" celebrations are absolutely ok -

provided the host covers all the guests' costs. 😊

If they don't or won't do that, then it's ok to decline if it's not within your budget or your time.

I’m with you OP and I’ve always been like this. I even had a local hen night as I hate the idea of my guests forking out to go away and it turned out great as loads came as they could just pop in for a drink or two and not be committed to a whole night away. One of my best friends had just gone back to work after maternity leave so she popped in with her sister for a while and I know the last thing she’d have wanted is a night away after leaving her baby at childcare all week. It’s not about the money it’s about the time away. I’d rather spend it with my family and also during term time at the weekends all I want to do is relax at home in the evenings as the daytimes are spent with either DH or myself bringing them to their activities or birthday parties. One weekend activity both my girls go to has started back this morning. But those nights away are a big thing in some social circles and I know some of the school mums think I’m odd for not loving those sort of trips.

Yanbu.
This is not normal at all.
£300 to go away on a random birthday with a random group?
I too could easily afford it but wouldn't be interested.
However, the why not question is really rude and THAT would give me the ick and make me wary.

You might have intended that statement to be a joke perhaps, but I actually agree with it!

Grown ups who want people to celebrate their birthdays should host and pay. Unless it’s a casual “meet for birthday drinks”.

Weddings no people can sod off but birthdays yes i also love a night away and you dont have to go they will have a good time and you wont,

There is definitely a small proportion of people who want to celebrate everything in style. In my friendship groups it’s both men and women. Thank god they are in the minority.

We simply don’t have the budget to spend upwards of $2000 AUD on a milestone birthday (sometimes much more!) I’m talking international holidays for 40th birthdays, which from Australia costs a bomb as you would imagine.

I send regrets and leave the WhatsApp group every time. Haven’t ever lost a friendship as a result.

That’s a lot, especially if it’s not a special birthday. I would only dream of organising something like that for really close girlfriends for a special birthday, but we all like going away together for a special occasion. And it’s usually floated as an idea first so we can all agree what we fancy/budget etc.

I wouldn't consider a friend who does to be asking me to spend that money on HER. I assume the idea is you have a night away, a good meal, go and do something fun etc. That's money you're spending on yourself, unless she's asking you to pay for her?

she is rude to not just accept no tho, is it possible she was willing to adjust plans slightly to enable you to go if you wanted? in which case I think a "I can't justify spending that on a weekend away" is perfectly direct enough

it does sound in part like the issue is your friends tho if you can't ever go away without them causing drama. perhaps you need more chill friends!

but you don't need to dread them, just decline. if you're a lone parent or you've got kids with complex needs, which I assume you have from the "bracing for me being away" then I think people just accept it isn't practical anyway.

I would guess her family never makes a fuss of her birthday so she's decided to take matters into her own hands.
However asking why you've declined is rude.

Agree that it’s not unreasonable to ask, but in my experience and as this OP also found, people often do then question or pressure you if you say no or suggest something cheaper.

Everyone else feels the same!

I questioned, when I politely declined (without drama), was it normal to be asked why?

I think if you arrange something you think will be lovely, and most people turn it down (as seems to be the case here) then quietly trying to find out what it is about it people that is making people turn it down is a sensible thing to do though. She's not asked you for reasons in the group chat / in front of anyone else, she is just trying to establish

• is is that particular date or
• is the the activity she has proposed or
• is it the cost or
• something else.

From what you posted, there has been no drama about it, just a quick check to see if there's something she could do differently that will make a difference to people or if the whole idea is unappealing to people. She hasn't been rude or tried to pressurise you in to going, and hasn't blocked you or 'cut you off' as so many people on MN talk about with far too much frequency.
If you were the only one not going, she probably wouldn't have asked, but as more people seem to not be going than are, it is fine to find out why, and therefore if it is worth trying a tweaked idea or not.

surely not asking them excludes them more definitively?!

Big birthday celebrations might be the norm amongst this woman's other friendship group/s and family and she might think she's doing a nice thing by inviting OP. You only have to see the amount of posts on here moaning about being left out of an invite that sometimes people can't do wrong for doing right.

The only thing the friend did wrong was not take OP's no for an answer. __

If you are all from a social group of high earners where it is the norm that is one thing. But if you obviously aren't all rolling in cash it is a real cheek.

Surely she can't be dense enough not to realise that it's an awful lot of money to expect others to spend on her birthday?