AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

Okay, well this has genuinely been an eye opener.
I really didn't think I needed to spell out that something I told my friend was for her, and only her, not her husband too, and honestly I still don't think I should have to say that explicitly, in principle. But I'll admit, reading through this thread, some people on here really would need to be told outright before it even occurred to them that their friend might not be okay with them sharing it, or would even class it as unreasonable of me to have assumed that in the first place.
I genuinely struggle to get my head around why anyone would think it's fine to pass on something personal, sexual, taboo, something traumatic from someone's past, whatever it might be, just because you're married to the person you're telling. Whether you know him well or not shouldn't come into it. It's not "people" I told, it's my friend. There's a difference.
For what it's worth, if a friend told me something like that, it just wouldn't occur to me to mention it to my wife, and I don't think she'd expect me to either. That's not us keeping "secrets" from each other, it's just that we both have other relationships that matter, with their own trust attached, and we respect that those aren't automatically ours to share just because we're married. It doesn't make our relationship weaker, if anything I think it says we actually understand what trust means.
Call me naive if you want, but I always thought friendship was its own proper relationship between two people, not some lesser category that gets folded into your marriage the second you say "I do." It's honestly a bit wild to me how many people here don't seem to value their friends' privacy at all. It feels like a genuine violation to have something shared without your knowledge or say in it, and I struggle to understand how you can claim to have strong, valued friendships while thinking like that.

I personally don't divulge things to one member of a serious relationship, if i'm not comfortable with both of them knowing.
I don't like the idea of making someone keep a secret from their serious partner. Ok if it is something silly like I've done something embarrassing then its not "bad" if they kept it from their partner, and i might be a bit embarrassed if they knew,but if it is something "heavy" that can make them feel bad/upset etc i'd never want them to not have their partners full support.
I always specifically say if it is something i'd like them to not share outside of the couple though, and i've always asked if it is okay if i shared with my partner (back when i had one) before sharing.

Sometimes you would need to tell your husband especially if it is going to impact your relationship such as having to spend more timecwith friend. I would ask friend first though.

What difference would telling you have made? It’s none of your business.

That’s interesting, I think a lot of people would feel differently about their friend being cheated on by her husband.

And yet, whilstever my husband wasn’t cheating on me, what a member of another couple chose to do as absolutely nothing to do with me, friends or not. If my husband was told in confidence that one of our friends was having an affair, why would he tell me?

Eh? No? Where did you get that? I meant I’d be upset that my husband had effectively gone along with the lie the male friend is telling his wife and not told me about it. I think that was rather obvious.

To be honest, I would usually assume it was ok to tell my husband something even if a friend told me in confidence. Unless the friend said "don't even tell MrPinkspeakers". I would tell him it was in confidence and I would trust him not to tell anyone.

This is my take on it - I always assume that anything I tell a friend will be shared with their partner unless I specifically ask them not to. Of course that doesn’t make them a bad friend!

Interesting how this has pretty evenly divided Mumsnet though. I wonder how many who voted YANBU ’ are now spinning out, wondering which camp their friends fall into!

Some people just HAVE to tell other people stuff they are told. I have a friend like this. She’s currently single so she tells me loads of stuff she should not. I don’t want to hear it ever.

I don’t share anything with her now a so don’t know who she might tell.

not really sure why she’s still
my friend 🤣

And yet, whilstever my husband wasn’t cheating on me, what a member of another couple chose to do as absolutely nothing to do with me, friends or not. If my husband was told in confidence that one of our friends was having an affair, why would he tell me?

I have a friend like that, she is a gossip and can't keep anything to herself. I found that out the hard way.

I now joke with her that I wouldn't tell her anything about my private life that I wouldn't put in the local newspaper.

Does she not feel even a tiny bit of shame about it?

Because you care about your friend? Because he wants to discuss how best to approach the situation?

“We tell each other everything”

Meanwhile dear husband hasn’t said a word about his best mate who has a secret family. 😂

Women can be such mugs lol

I tell my DH everything. Always have. He tells me too. I don’t mind if people think that’s being a bad friend. Literally every single person I know tells their partner and I expect them to if I tell them something.

If you don’t I think you’re a bad partner

To be honest, I would usually assume it was ok to tell my husband something even if a friend told me in confidence. Unless the friend said "don't even tell MrPinkspeakers". I would tell him it was in confidence and I would trust him not to tell anyone.

No one comes between husband and wife. They can't even be made to testify against each other. Its regarded as on a parr with incriminating yourself. They are joined as one in law. I never assume anything would be kept secret from someone's spouse and wouldn't ever presume to encroach on that or expect to be ranked higher than the spouse in anything including what they choose to talk about. You might for example discuss with your spouse how you responded to a conversation with a. n. other, that they weren't present for, by way of exploring if you responded well. Your spouse is your sounding board and chief confidante. I don't think she's done anything wrong.

Spousal privilege in a courtroom has genuinely nothing to do with this. That's about not being compelled to testify against your spouse in a criminal trial, it's not some general principle that married couples are entitled to know everything about everyone in each other's lives. Completely different thing.
And it's not about "ranking" a friend above a spouse either, nobody's saying that. It's about whose information it actually was to begin with. It was the OP's. Not her friend's, not her friend's husband's. Her friend was told something in confidence, as a friend, and passed it on anyway. That's not the same as your example of discussing your own reaction to a conversation, that's about your own feelings, this was someone else's personal information, being handed over without her knowledge or say in it.
You can be each other's sounding board and closest confidante and still not be entitled to information that was never yours to share in the first place.