Page 11 | AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

Ifiwere · 2026-08-27T16:28:04+00:00

So I've got a friend I've been close with for years, genuinely one of my best friends. I told her something a while back, nothing huge in the scheme of things but it was clearly personal (not going to say exactly what but it very clearly wasn’t someone I’d want just anyone knowing, and also I kindof think exactly what it was is besides the point ) but to be clear it wasn’t just chit chat , it was the kind of thing you say because you trust the person you're saying it to. Anyway turns out she told her husband. Found out sort of by accident, he said something that made it obvious he knew, and when I mentioned it to her she wasn't really that sorry about it. Her whole reasoning was that I should have just assumed she'd tell him because they're married, like that's just what happens once you're with someone, everything gets shared automatically. Honestly I was kind of stunned by that response. If I tell you something, that's between us, being in a relationship doesn't mean your husband is secretly in on every conversation we have unless I say otherwise. Maybe, maybe, I could get it if she was really worried about me and needed to talk it through with someone for my sake, like an "I don't know what to do, I'm actually concerned" situation. Even then I'm not sure I'd be totally fine with it if I'm honest, but at least there'd be some logic to it. This wasn't that though, it really was just a "well obviously I tell him everything" kind of answer, asking like I’m being unreasonable and overreacting to feel hurt about this! To me that just says she doesn't actually value what I share with her, or the trust bit of being friends, if it's just going home with her every time regardless. Am I being unreasonable thinking this is actually a pretty big deal? Do people genuinely think this is fine? Would you say you're a good friend if you did this?

sammylady37 · 28/08/2026 01:34

TY78910 · 27/08/2026 22:52

The thing is my friends would do the same - we all know this. If it was explicitly said ‘do not tell DH’ then it’s a different story, but I also can’t think of a situation where this would occur. And we have been in some wild phases in our lifetimes.

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If you ‘all know’ that your friends would do the same, then it would be expected and understood and there’d be no need for your husband to ‘understand the assignment’ as you put it previously, and not let on that he knew. But given he has to behave like that, it’s clearly not the case that your friends all know and tacitly expect this.

sammylady37 · 28/08/2026 01:36

Mooselander · 27/08/2026 23:20

YABVU. We’re married, we don’t have secrets.

I tell my husband absolutely everything, and no, I’m not going to stop.

Absolutely everything? Really?
So, you tell him the size, colour and consistency of every shit you take, yes, as otherwise that’d be keeping a secret and you don’t do that, you tell him absolutely everything. Whether he wants to know it or not.

Dweetfidilove · 28/08/2026 01:53

sammylady37 · 28/08/2026 01:36

Absolutely everything? Really?
So, you tell him the size, colour and consistency of every shit you take, yes, as otherwise that’d be keeping a secret and you don’t do that, you tell him absolutely everything. Whether he wants to know it or not.

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It's pathetic really 😳. I couldn't trust a friend that's so leaky, and Lord knows I couldn't fancy a man that's interested in women's affairs.
Such partners deserve each other, really.
Pity for their 'friends'.

SALaw · 28/08/2026 05:09

Stormyrose · 27/08/2026 17:34

Really, you rush back to tell your husband everything your friends say even in confidence, I find that bizzare.

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Where does she say she rushes back to tell him?

SheilaFentiman · 28/08/2026 05:29

I work on the basis that my friends will tell their husbands things and would explicitly say “can I tell you something that you don’t tell Dave, or would that make you uncomfortable?” if I wanted to.

It has made me reticent on a couple of things I would otherwise like to share, but there we are.

tripleginandtonic · 28/08/2026 05:32

If something is explicitly told be as a secret I wouldn't tell a soul. If it wasn't its more of a grey area imo.

Lentilcakes · 28/08/2026 05:48

I tell DH everything except if a friend has expressly told me not to tell him, then I will keep schtum.

I will always assume my friends tell their partners things I tell them so either I’d say please don’t, or I’ll not say anything (also sometimes DH has asked me not to mention something to my friends, so I haven’t).

Morepositivemum · 28/08/2026 05:54

walrushurricane

I was saying I wouldn’t but I get why people do it, it’s to tease out the problem. Making it your problem isn’t making it about you in my opinion. Just my opinion though

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/08/2026 06:06

My friends normally say “don’t tell anyone, we’ll except Dave obviously”

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/08/2026 06:06

#well

Sartre · 28/08/2026 07:29

I agree with you. My best friend has never told me anything and asked for it to remain between the two of us so whilst I don’t share everything with DH, I do tell him snippets (largely because he has a mega interesting life so I enjoy sharing the tales with DH). If a friend told me something deeply personal and asked for it to remain private, there’s no way I’d tell DH.

Original poster

Ifiwere · 28/08/2026 07:38

Okay, well this has genuinely been an eye opener.
I really didn't think I needed to spell out that something I told my friend was for her, and only her, not her husband too, and honestly I still don't think I should have to say that explicitly, in principle. But I'll admit, reading through this thread, some people on here really would need to be told outright before it even occurred to them that their friend might not be okay with them sharing it, or would even class it as unreasonable of me to have assumed that in the first place.
I genuinely struggle to get my head around why anyone would think it's fine to pass on something personal, sexual, taboo, something traumatic from someone's past, whatever it might be, just because you're married to the person you're telling. Whether you know him well or not shouldn't come into it. It's not "people" I told, it's my friend. There's a difference.
For what it's worth, if a friend told me something like that, it just wouldn't occur to me to mention it to my wife, and I don't think she'd expect me to either. That's not us keeping "secrets" from each other, it's just that we both have other relationships that matter, with their own trust attached, and we respect that those aren't automatically ours to share just because we're married. It doesn't make our relationship weaker, if anything I think it says we actually understand what trust means.
Call me naive if you want, but I always thought friendship was its own proper relationship between two people, not some lesser category that gets folded into your marriage the second you say "I do." It's honestly a bit wild to me how many people here don't seem to value their friends' privacy at all. It feels like a genuine violation to have something shared without your knowledge or say in it, and I struggle to understand how you can claim to have strong, valued friendships while thinking like that.

OP posts:

bt1234 · 28/08/2026 07:42

I have a friend that tells her husband and mother (and soemtimes other people) everything. She is my best friend so most things I do accept that when telling her she will pass it on.
However when my partner and I decided we wanted children and were trying for a baby I didn't tell her, same as when I was pregnant. I told her when I was maybe 18 weeks rather than when I wanted to (immediately).
I didn't want her mother and husband (and who knows who else) to know if I couldn't have children or lost the baby.
It affected our friendship, she was hurt I hadn't confided in her and I grew closer to the person I had confided in.
However a year earlier something awful had happened in mh life and I told her and asked her not to tell anyone as I couldn't face knowing people knew. About 3 months later I was having dinner with her a few others and her SIL brought it up over dinner! So I learnt my lesson

BIossomtoes · 28/08/2026 07:47

A recurring theme in the many letters and cards I received when my mum died was the fact that you could tell her anything and know it would never get repeated. It was a greatly respected and admired attribute which I’ve sought to emulate. It’s hugely disrespectful to betray a friend’s confidences to anyone. There isn’t a hall pass because you happen to be married.

mtobrokeme · 28/08/2026 07:54

Ifiwere · 28/08/2026 07:38

Okay, well this has genuinely been an eye opener.
I really didn't think I needed to spell out that something I told my friend was for her, and only her, not her husband too, and honestly I still don't think I should have to say that explicitly, in principle. But I'll admit, reading through this thread, some people on here really would need to be told outright before it even occurred to them that their friend might not be okay with them sharing it, or would even class it as unreasonable of me to have assumed that in the first place.
I genuinely struggle to get my head around why anyone would think it's fine to pass on something personal, sexual, taboo, something traumatic from someone's past, whatever it might be, just because you're married to the person you're telling. Whether you know him well or not shouldn't come into it. It's not "people" I told, it's my friend. There's a difference.
For what it's worth, if a friend told me something like that, it just wouldn't occur to me to mention it to my wife, and I don't think she'd expect me to either. That's not us keeping "secrets" from each other, it's just that we both have other relationships that matter, with their own trust attached, and we respect that those aren't automatically ours to share just because we're married. It doesn't make our relationship weaker, if anything I think it says we actually understand what trust means.
Call me naive if you want, but I always thought friendship was its own proper relationship between two people, not some lesser category that gets folded into your marriage the second you say "I do." It's honestly a bit wild to me how many people here don't seem to value their friends' privacy at all. It feels like a genuine violation to have something shared without your knowledge or say in it, and I struggle to understand how you can claim to have strong, valued friendships while thinking like that.

I think some women on here have reduced themselves to nothing more than being a ‘wife’. It’s sad really.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 28/08/2026 07:55

YANBU in the slightest but everyone on here will tell you it’s absolutely fine to gossip to your husband about things that have been told to you in private 🙄

Ved · 28/08/2026 08:06

Mooselander · 27/08/2026 23:20

YABVU. We’re married, we don’t have secrets.

I tell my husband absolutely everything, and no, I’m not going to stop.

Make sure you tell your friends that you are going to tell your husband everything that they tell you then. Let's see how many secrets and personal intimate information they tell you then!

Wingwalk · 28/08/2026 08:08

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 27/08/2026 23:24

Yes I tell me DH everything. Yes I know it’s wrong and I know it makes me a bad friend. But he is also my best friend. So maybe if I had a closer friend than him I’d feel more inclined to keep the secret.

So you have like a pyramid of friends, and everyone on the lower levels gets their secrets gossiped about with the people on the levels above, and DH is top of the pyramid so he has to know all your friends' private business until/unless you ever make a better friend

Tbh i wouldn't hold your breath on making many new friends

Ved · 28/08/2026 08:09

mtobrokeme · 28/08/2026 07:54

I think some women on here have reduced themselves to nothing more than being a ‘wife’. It’s sad really.

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I agree with this. 'Oh I tell my husband EVERYTHING, even everyone else's secrets, and private and personal issues they have shared with me, because I have a better marriage than you!'

That's the vibe I am getting from some anyway... 🙄

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 28/08/2026 08:10

mtobrokeme · 28/08/2026 07:54

I think some women on here have reduced themselves to nothing more than being a ‘wife’. It’s sad really.

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I actually believe it’s not so much that when they say I DO they consider themselves one person with their SO - more that they’re the type of person who can’t keep a secret, and are in close proximity to another person they can happily share the information with. Being married is a cover for the fact they enjoy a good ol gossip- the juicier the better. If they were living with their parents/ sibling/close friend you can be guaranteed they’d be sharing with them also.

Nobabyyet296 · 28/08/2026 08:14

lookatmylife · 27/08/2026 17:38

It’s not their secret, it’s someone else’s! The only exception I think is if someone at risk and she wanted advice or if she was distressed and needed to offload.

Not telling your partner your friends information is not keeping secrets!

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Totally agree. I made a mistake many years ago about telling my husband a friends secret. My friend was a bit upset and I apologised as I was in the wrong. I have since had my own issues and been clear I don’t want her partner to know. I keep all of her secrets now as my husband has no need to know them as they aren’t about me or him. There are obviously stuff that I don’t mind her partner knowing and vice versa so it’s not everything but every now and then there will be something either health based or relationship based that we talk about and we don’t want husbands/ partners to know and I think that’s completely fair enough

ive also had situations where I’ve asked about my husbands friends and he’s said he can’t say what’s going on as it’s private and I totally respect that. His friends are due privacy too

nomas · 28/08/2026 08:18

BIossomtoes · 28/08/2026 07:47

A recurring theme in the many letters and cards I received when my mum died was the fact that you could tell her anything and know it would never get repeated. It was a greatly respected and admired attribute which I’ve sought to emulate. It’s hugely disrespectful to betray a friend’s confidences to anyone. There isn’t a hall pass because you happen to be married.

I agree with you, Blossom. Our friends don’t get down graded after marriage, and their lives don’t become titillating gossip between husband and wife.

Nobabyyet296 · 28/08/2026 08:22

Redhotspicywine · 27/08/2026 20:18

I tell my husband everything and expect anything I tell my friends to be shared with their husbands. I can't imagine a world where me and my husband weren't treated as one really.

I don’t agree with this. There’s loads of situations where I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be treated “as one”. I learn confidential information at work all the time that I don’t tell my husband. I doubt my employer would accept we are “as one”. I trust my doctor doesn’t tell her husband about my medical information as they are not “one person”.

if you say “that’s different that’s work” then you clearly accept there are scenarios where you and your husband are not “as one” in which case why could keeping a friends secret not be an exception?

Dorothyperky · 28/08/2026 08:28

I wouldn't dream of telling my husband my friends secrets. Married 38 years and he's decent.

Chit chat yes, personal business no.

Ved · 28/08/2026 08:30

'I tell my husband everything anyone tells me, because we are 'as one' makes me cringe a little. 😬