colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

You've misread my tone. It was more of a jolly "you didn't tell me x was on your ward!" and not a "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

I was so keen to pass on my colleague's compliments, that I simply forgot that of course she wouldn't say.

A single package? What does that even mean? DH and I are not joined at the hip! We are 2 different people with different minds and personalities and we have individual friends...

We are not Borg. (Or bees!) We don't have a hive mind!

Another one here who tells husband everything. Unless it would hurt his feelings
so you dont tell your dh everything, you are selective.
However it is ok to hurt your friends feelings by gossiping about her, even if your husband doesn't need to know.

Good grief, you've done it again - you've effectively told a load of total strangers what this woman's husband's issue is. She has every reason to be furious with you.

Yes I've known about mental health field who have disclosed personal information to their spouse. As a consequence patients didn't trust them and they rightly got fired.

People in the mental health field have regular supervisions for exactly that reason. Even if you don't name names it is often easy to identify someone. If you can't keep a "secret" from your spouse don't work there. The same as telling your friend beforehand at least they can make an informed decision then.

I would tell my dh this kind of thing but he’d be discreet and no one would know! The only thing I don’t tell him is patient details or anything that would breach gdpr - although a lot of our work re sensitive issues crosses over so he knows anyway (which is helpful for processing upsetting information together).

What the hell? I certainly don't stop being an individual just because I got married.

It probably depends on what kind of people you surround yourself with. My friends and family are still individuals and none of them would blab to their husband without asking first. It doesn't even cross our minds.

I ever, ever, ever allow anybody to dump their grubby secrets on me. Sounds like she didn't even have the courtesy to ask you if you minded carring her secrets around.

If someone does ask can you keep a secret I always say "I don't know". I don't know if I will be able to keep your secret till I know what it is. And I do NOT keep secrets from my husband to please other people.

I might not tell him if it's something that doesn't affect him and doesn't cause me any angst to not tell him, or if it is something I (not you or someone else I get to choose) do not want to tell him.

But of course I don't agree to that without knowing what it is.

Grubby secrets cause no end of hassles. Don't allow people to dump them on you and make it clear you will tell your husband if you want to - it's not your responsibility to lie to him by omission or feel uncomfortable and unable to confide him to keep someone else happy. Fuck that sideways.

Excuse typos.

Nobody has the right to impose secrecy on someone else's marriage. Even the law doesn't expect that. I would always assume that if I confided in a married person, their spouse will be highly likely to know about it. No one has the right to come between husbands and wives.

Now then, I'm not your wife but I am dying to know what the tea is. Spill!

Keeping someone’s confidence is not keeping secrets from your husband/partner. It does not involve or impact them. Basically there are a bunch of excuses for gossiping on this thread.

Yes, I always find this disturbing when this topic comes up on here. You’re right, it’s just people giving themselves an excuse to gossip.

I understand your DH guessed, but you were obviously talking about it to him anyway.

Regarding other comments on this thread. You may be married but you are still an individual. I keep my friends secrets as they’re not mine to tell, and I would certainly think less of a partner who spilled their friends secrets to me.
It shows a lack of integrity.

There were two confidences to be kept, by OP, 1. that the friend was having problems in her marriage, and 2. that her husband was gay. and it seems OP discussed the first and confirmed the second to OP husband after OP husband guessed..

I think the first secret would be less of an breach if all that was said ito husband is ' I'm going to lunch with my friend today ' because she wants to talk about some personal problems she's having . It is the second .breach when OP confirmed her friends husband's ' secret' to her DH. The fact that OP husband guessed was not a grant of a licence for OP to out friend's husband. I think outing a gay person who has not yet decided themselves to come out is a breach of trust OP's friend placed in OP

Yes you betrayed her secret even if it was indirectly. Not surprised she's annoyed with you.

Exactly this. OP must have brought her colleague up in conversation to start with, and then given so many tidbits of information about her personal issue that it would have been easy for anyone to "guess", let alone someone who knows her.

So you have ignored all the actual questions and advice.

How did your DH know they were having issues?

Why does him guessing meaning you have to confirm it and then tell her?

Are you going to apologise for betraying her trust?

Grubby secrets cause no end of hassles. Don't allow people to dump them on you and make it clear you will tell your husband if you want to - it's not your responsibility to lie to him by omission or feel uncomfortable and unable to confide him to keep someone else happy. Fuck that sideways

Is it lying by ommision if you dont tell every detail of a conversation you have had with your friend.
I didnt tell dh that my best friend had to take her dog to the vet on Wednesday morning. Should I have told him? If yes why?

If no, why is it ok to omit that but tell him something that she doesn't want discussed elsewhere because she is learning to process information herself first and need a friend to listen.

Should I have told him that her mum is coming round for lunch today and they might go to All bar one? Oh no! I lied by omission.

I probably would have told him about the dog to be fair if I had remembered as he is fond of the dog!.

Exactly this. They’re all trying to make out that they tell their partners ‘everything’. Of course they don’t. They don’t tell them the boring, mundane stuff. Just the juicy gossip.

Loads of men are camp, doesn’t mean they’re gay.

Why not just agree with your DH that he seems camp but not disclose that your friend said anything to you.

The whole thing is weird.
Most secretly gay men are not camp.
Most colleagues wouldn’t divulge that they think their DH is gay to another colleague.
Your DH went out with this woman and her husband and decided in that short amount of time that he must be gay.
Then you immediately admit that it’s true.

You are not a single package - you are two individuals who choose to be in a relationship.

Are you genuinely saying that married couples can never work with in any job that requires confidentiality because they HAVE to tell each other everything?

Do you know how boring you must be if you go home and tell your DH what all your colleagues had for lunch, their new hairstyles, what they were wearing and what they told you they did on the weekend?
Why would your DH need to know about your colleagues mums health problems?

Or do you only share things that are personal, confidential, humiliating, shameful, distressing etc purely because you’re a bitchy gossip?

To the people who share everything with their husband.
What if one of you worked somewhere where you're not allowed to divulge certain information

Dh works for a company where one of his colleagues was 'let go' for reasons I am unaware. Dh was part of the management team who had to deal with this.
I have passing acquaintance with this person. The reasons for his dismissal were considered serious enough to fire him. Dh hasn't told me why and I haven't asked him. The only thing I know is that it could have embarrassing consequences for other people, should the details become known within (or even without) the company.
Therefore, I would rather not know. If it did leak out, both dh and myself could very honestly say that he did not tell anyone, and I did not know.
It's not a matter of trust between us. It's a matter of being able to be absolutely honest with others should the shit hit the fan. Being honest is important to both of us.

Doesn’t matter if it’s a small or big secret, no one should ever expect someone to keep a secret from their significant other

Well not if it would directly affect them, obviously. But keeping someone else's, completely unrelated confidence is NOT keeping secrets.

Whenever I get home from a catch up with someone my husband will ask for a debrief and vice versa. I've actually had him text me from the toilets being "guess who is getting a divorce"

People are so different. My husband will just ask me if I had a nice time.
I might ask him how his friend is. The thought of him texting from the toilet with juicy gossip is completely alien