To not visit my very elderly grandad?

Presumably, he hasn’t got a photo of you up because he hasn’t been given one?
He’s done nothing wrong so I’d go and see him if it was me.

Why not just keep all of them up?

@HarveytheWhale

If you framed the next visit, as your very last, as a "final, say goodbye" to him then, could that, give you the closure you'd feel comfortable with?

This.

A) does he have any nice ones to put up?

B). Often, decision about the little things that go into a bag to take into an old peoples home to create a “home in a room” are made by other people (daughters, usually). The moving of the personal bits and pieces is consumed by the enormous event happening to them that those little things pass them by.

Also, men aren’t the ones who normally create a home. They live in the home that their wife created. See my point above.

So, C) give him one. In a nice frame. And put it somewhere he can see it.

If you think he loves you and would like to see you because he likes you and you like him because he’s a nice bloke and he possibly did the best he could in a fractured landscape, I would go. Take a cake, chat about what you’ve been doing, allow him the opportunity to be proud of you.

I do not ignore the world of hurt you have had to live with and the depth of your feelings.

I agree that he probably hasn't got a photo because OP hasn't given him one. Given the family circumstances, there may well not have been the usual school photo or holiday snaps and as an older man, he's not likely to be up to modern photo apps or those machines in Boots.

It sounds like you had a very tough childhood and I am so sorry you had to endure that.

Based on that I would say don’t go if if brings everything up for you. Yes technically it might be the “right” thing to go visit a very elderly man in a care home, but not if it stirs up a lot of trauma for you due to things that happened when you were too young to have any control.

You will probably get lots of contrary responses- quite a lot of people seem to think that the elderly get a free pass on everything, but you have to take care of yourself first.

If he has lots of people visiting him then it’s ok to take a back seat.

They got the best of him for years so it’s natural that they should be there at his ‘worst’ (so to speak).

People do move away though. I wouldn’t hold it against him that he moved away unless he moved away specifically to be close to a different grand child, which seems unlikely.

I would visit him once more at a time when he is likely to be alone and see how you get on. If it upsets you or it doesn’t feel right, you don’t need to go back, or maybe just go once a year, ariund Christmas.

Have you considered unpacking all of this with a therapist?

Do the right thing and go see the old man. He won’t be here for much longer and presumably he did right by you or you wouldn’t have this relationship.

One hour of visit won’t kill you. When he dies you will have peace. Feeling guilty after he died because you didn’t do the right thing will stay with you for years.

Oh yes, sorry, my mistake.

Has he got any photos of you?
She answered this - no

She said he hasn't got any of her on display in his room and someone suggested that indicated he wouldn't be fussed if she didn't visit. I wondered if the reason is that hasn't got any to display.

No she didn't. OP said there are no photo of her in his room. At that point no one had asked if she (or her awful father) had given her grandad any photos of her. It's relevant.

I've got 4 kids and 8 GC. I rotate photos but if they come unexpectedly I worry if there doesn't happen to be one of them in display. Sometimes I think it would be better to just take them all down. I've seen one DIL checking to see her child's photo.

Has he got any photos of you. Would you like a photo of you together to remember him in the future.

And if it helps re: The photo. I have never seen a photo of me at my mother's house. There's her, her husband, my brother and my children.

Have you talked this dilemma through with your grandad ? Is he coherent enough for this type of conversation ? It maybe that talking to him would help

She answered this - no

Is there any photos up of you in his room?

Has he got any photos of you?

This

That's bloody harsh. How do you know how he'd feel?

I'm quite old now and I can guarantee it's the things you haven't done in life that you regret the most. Does your grandad enjoy your visits (as much as he can in his state of health)? From what you say, he won't be around much longer so although I truly understand your anger and sadness, I think it would be good to continue the visits.

In the long run, I think you'd feel worse if you didn't go and then wished you had rather than the other way round.

There is no point thinking about this as there isn’t a correct answer. He may or may not care if you go and you may or may not regret going and you may or may not regret NOT going. It’s impossible for anyone on Mumsnet to know. You don’t need to justify whatever decision you make to anyone even to yourself.

Whats pointless is agonising about it.

I think this advice is the best. I am in a similar situation with my Dad who has dementia. Only he is on the other side of the country. I really should maintain more contact but it is so hard for me to do because his partner blocks me. However if he died tomorrow I would feel guilty if I hadn't. I am planning to go and see him but for lots of reasons I keep putting it off.

Follow your heart.