AIBU to feel worn down by DH's constant moaning?

Why are you putting up with this?
You are teaching your children that it's ok for them to be treated the same by their partner one day.
If you both work full time, he cleans and cooks half the time also.
Why's is everything down to you?

I'm guessing that, in an ideal world, your husband would love for you to be a SAHM and pick up everything related to he house and kids, so he can just do whatever he fancies.

He sounds insufferable.

I would have an open chat with him about the current dynamics, the workload split and his behaviour. Is he is still agressive and challenging, you might want to consider to separate, even if temporarily. I'm sure you'd feel a positive difference very quickly.

He’s a complete twat, but don’t come for my afternoon nap. One of life’s little pleasures!

Don’t think I’ve ever said this before but please leave. He is bringing absolutely nothing but stress to the table. You earn the same yet he has an issue with your job. You do your job and childcare he naps then complains about crumbs. You make him drinks he spitefully won’t return the favour. He swans off at weekends and you aren’t even allowed to take a shower when you want. I’m livid on your behalf - just what is the point of him!

He's sabotaging your job on purpose.
He's undermining you and wearing you down on purpose.
He doesn't like you.

You know that right?

Why are you with him?

He adds nothing to your life.You'd be happier without him.

For goodness sake OP, dump this lazy arse!

It sounds like you are being ground down by him and his moaning, while he does A BIG FAT NOTHING!!! What do you think this is teaching your kids?

I repeat

DUMP THIS LAZY ARSE!

Life would be so much easier without him, I GUARANTEE it!

Oh, and please answer this question:

Why haven't you kicked him out already?

Why, oh why, are you putting up with this shit?

I think he’s jealous that you manage to do a full time job, all the house stuff and the kid stuff and he looks like a lazy shit coming home for a nap when you both got up the same time and you carry on.
he would rather you worked and earned less so he could say I’m the breadwinner you pick up all the house and kid shit but actually you earn equally and you do all the family stuff.
he sounds like an awful bully and i guarantee you’ll be much happier as a single parent.

The crux of everything is that he is a misogynist. He sees you (as a woman) as there just to serve him and the children. He doesn’t like that you have a job because it takes you away from being at his beck and call.
It also gives you some financial independence. This is a man who would love you to be completely in his control.
Never give up or reduce your working hours- when you are ready to leave you will be very glad you kept your financial independence.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough as deep down he thinks women are beneath him and it suits his desire for power to keep you in a constant state of insecurity.

Get rid of him. If he doesn't like how you do things do a list and say these are your jobs, these are mine. I cook, you clean. I launder you iron fold and put away. I hoover you clean. He won't do this. How dare he police your drink choices. Get your own home without him in it. Run it the way you want it and get at least 1 day a week to yourself when he has the kids on a strict contact schedule. Life will be a little easier and a LOT less stressful without his constant moaning. It will wear you down and make you resentful then you won't leave because of the kids and before you know it life has slipped past and all you can see ahead of you is another 30 years with a man who has got meaner and moanier with time. Is that what you want?

Fight fire with fire. He is being very rude and unfair.

HE is the lazy one, going to sleep every afternoon when he’s supposed to be looking after DC.

Every time he “forgets” to serve you a drink at dinner, you should “forget” to make him a coffee in the morning.

He doesn’t get you a drink when he is up?

This is unacceptable. Crumbs and shower screens - quicker to wipe than to moan. He is being deliberately annoying and childish.

What he thinks and the facts appear to be two different sets.

Have you considered charting what each of you does with colour coding, just to clarify how much more time you contribute to
family maintenance than he does.

I am never getting over doesn’t pick you up a drink. Sheesh.

I can't see he contributes anything to you or your children's happiness. Struggling to understand why you are still with him.

This!! If you run out of socks you put a wash on!!

He sounds like he’s convinced himself he has it really hard. So you need to spell it out to him that you’ve essentially done all the childcare all summer. And that has a cost - needing to work other hours and other things not being “perfect”.

How can you possibly be “lazy” when you seem to be carrying the can?

God, he's appalling. How dare he? Please think seriously about how life would be without this awful person constantly putting you down.

He sounds incredibly self centred and doesn’t pull his weight. He doesn’t like your job because he wants you to be more available to look after him!

Best advice yet. If his parents are around tip them off that they are NOT to come to the rescue.
Pack a bag, visit a friend, just walk out and leave him to it. The kids will be fine.
What an absolute ass hole.
My first husband was exactly like this. Our marriage ended after I tipped him and the sofa over onto the floor. My biggest regret is I waited so long.
This us not going to end well. It sounds like he has checked out of fatherhood and honest don't waste any more time.

Yeah call social services

Your husband is a bully.

Please LTB. He brings nothing to your life that is good. He doesn’t like you, let alone respect you, and it doesn’t sound like he likes the children much either. I know it’s easier said than done, but it will be better than him grinding your spirit to dust with his complaining and gaslighting day in day out.

It sounds shit OP, but I think you know that. What do you plan to do?

Everything you've already written makes him seem like a total arsehole but for some reason it's the drink thing that felt like the final straw. How dare he disagree with your choice of drink? Unless you're asking him to fix you a double vodka in the morning, he has no business with this sort of controlling mean behaviour.

To recap:

• your job brings in a similar salary to his but is being constantly treated as less important, hence you are the one juggling work and childcare whilst he doesn't have to;
• he expects you to be able to attend to crumbs and look after the kids whilst you're working but also doesn't want you staying logged on for 5 mins extra (so he expects your boss to give you infinite flexibility and to basically pay you for full time work without having the time to do it);
• he finds it too hard to look after his own kids for a day whilst you go into work and renages on his promises;
• he doesn't want you to have a shower after he's wiped down the shower screen (I mean... what difference does using it 12 hours later make? How exhausting and tough is wiping down a shower screen anyway? Aren't showers bloody well made for showering?)
• he is away loads on weekends, leaving you with all the joy but also all the responsibility of family life alone (where the hell is he going? What's so much more important than his family? It had better be work shifts, not gallivanting off having fun. And when the hell do YOU get free time?);
• and on top of all that... he disagrees with you drinking pepsi max for some weird reason.

It sounds unacceptsble and deeply unfair, and you are bloody well not being unreasonable.

My husband sometimes moaned about the state of the kitchen when he got back from work and about the kids dropping food on the floor. Looking back it was totally unreasonable and it was like walking on eggshells. I often thought about leaving so I understand your pain. My husband had several meltdowns and left work. He is a different person now. So perhaps there is some underlying stress in him?

He should know the rule by now.

You see the (crumbs) , you deal with the (crumbs).

crumbs, shit, vomit, spilled milk, towels on the floor, washing to hang out, washing to bring in, hungry cat, hungry child, full kitchen bin, stuff left at the bottom of the stairs, bikes left on the drive etc etc etc