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Original poster

DD wants to take a gap year due to her brother

33 replies

CrlmsonLeaf · 20/08/2026 22:37

I have my ds (18) and dd (18)

So background-
My ds has struggled with his mental health ever since he was a teen. Things escalated after he was sexually assaulted by a boy from his college and nothing was done he was made out to be a liar. The police report went nowhere because no evidence. He has a diagnosis BPD also known as EUPD

He got sectioned May-August last year and he was sectioned again October-June this year and honestly they added much more trauma he isn't the same person he was, the 2nd section he developed pyschosis so he was on loads of meds. He was still self harming by hitting his head on a wall, he refused to let me visit him most of the time because he blamed me for everything. he was put on a 1:1 at all times. It was a nightmare. He was finally discharged in June and things were going well until he got unwell likely due to the heat and kept throwing up. When he got better he said he had been poisoned, he refused to eat and take his meds because they were poisoned in his head and that’s why he was unwell

He was sectioned again last month and he’s at a different hospital and he blames me and says it’s worse and I know how bad things where, at the start of the first section he was 16 so he was at a children’s inpatient hospital but this is an adult one now and they are treating him differently. He was being sick daily and they said it’s a behaviour but it turned out it was one of the tablets they were giving him making him sick

He was refusing me to visit him, when i tried he got super distressed and shouting at me etc so i stopped as it wasn’t worth it. DD visited him today and she has said she’s not seen him that bad, she’s visited him during his other sections but she said he’s usually a bit more himself by now but he wasn’t.

She said he was happy with her but there but he just seemed out of it and had his head down on the table and when DD went to tell them he didn’t feel very well they said they’d already checked him over and seemed really dismissive, he ended up throwing up again and she said they just seemed annoyed with him

She said he seemed a bit better after but he then got upset and begged her not to leave him when she had to go and he said “leave me then just like you always do”

DD is worried about him and has said she’s usually feels he’s safe when he’s in hospital but this time she doesn’t and she’s talking about taking a gap year She hasn't mentioned a gap year previously at all. She was excited last week after she got into her first choice uni. This is the first she's mentioned taking a year out after visiting him today.

Would you advise her against this? Or support?

OP posts:
BibbityBoppityTwo · 20/08/2026 23:13

I feel so much for all of you. What a heartbreaking thing to be going through. As twins, they obviously have a strong bond and what’s happening must be devastating for both of them. I wouldn’t necessarily discourage your daughter from taking a gap year, particularly if what is happening is taking a toll on her and might affect her ability to focus on her studies. But the main thing is that I think she needs therapy of her own to help her process any feelings of guilt or responsibility towards her brother so she can move forward with her life.

Your son is still very young and early in the process of understanding his condition. He has a loving family and in time, with the right medication and treatment plan, he will have the opportunity to build a life for himself.

DecisionTime123 · 20/08/2026 23:13

This will have affected her much more than you realise - can she do something else for a year that means she's closer to home and can visit? You'd all benefit from some family support; does your son have an IMHA, do you have carers' support? Some areas have support groups for siblings of people with mental health issues or mental illness. Do you feel able to say which county you are in? (Edited to add being sectioned can trigger psychotic symptoms)

HollyGolightly4 · 20/08/2026 23:12

Different perspective - is she now perhaps feeling guilty (her life is progressing, his isn't) and she's looking to you for 'permission' to go?

This could be conscious or subconsciously.

ETA- sounds incredibly awful for your son, I hope someone has some good advice for you.

DallazMajor · 20/08/2026 23:11

Can you speak with someone at the hospital. Doesn’t sound like they are dealing with the situation well.

DallazMajor · 20/08/2026 23:09

She may struggle to adapt to uni if she’s worried about her brother.

it sounds like a horrible situation for you all :(

whippersnapper55 · 20/08/2026 22:56

I would think that given the situation with her brother, she's not in the best frame of mind to be able to go to Uni, concentrate on studying and making new friends and socialising. If she wants to defer then I would trust her judgement. Going away to Uni is hard enough at 18 and many young people struggle with their mental health anyway. If she's so worried about her brother, she's not going to be enjoying Uni life.

I hope your son turns a corner soon and starts to feel better. If you're worried about aspects of his treatment, you could contact Mind for some advice and support.
www.mind.org.uk/

NotAnotherScarf · 20/08/2026 22:45

So her brother is really really struggling and she wants to take time out and your questioning it. I get that

She's going to go into a different place, a different situation. And her brother is in a really dark place at the moment

So she thrive at uni? Will she settle?

A year is a long time when you are 18. It may be for the best if she can explain her situation and defer for a year and go from a stable position where she feels happy to go

Greekgoddess2000 · 20/08/2026 22:44

I’d do everything in power to get my son back home with me