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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to wonder how many chances to give him?

32 replies

Likeacowsopinionitsmoo · 20/08/2026 21:48

I've been with my partner for 12 years, although we don't live together. Both are older (40s/50s) I love him - but how many times do I forgive him for letting me down. Tonight, once again, he's messaged me to let me know he's broken a promise he made to me on something he knows will really hurt me. He messaged so that he didn't have to tell me face to face.

It must be the 30th time he's broken a promise in the 12 years. Its always the same pattern, he waits until last minute when he has no choice but to tell me, avoids me so he doesn't have to face telling me or deal with me being upset. Says sorry, sometimes he'll buy me something or promise to make it up to me. (This doesn't always happen in the end).

I get annoyed - we don't talk for a bit. Eventually we start talking again, meet up and slowly things go back to how they were. When things are good they're genuinely great, we get on amazingly and we're best friends. Its the best relationship I have ever had, he treats me much better than my ex-husband. But yet ruins it.

All I ask for is honesty and openness. And I keep being let down.

How many chances should 1 person get? Should I just walk away?

I'm really strong, independent and professionally successful - my work colleagues would be astounded if they knew how much I accept/ forgive. I don't rely on him for anything financial, have a great social circle - when things are great he genuinely makes my life better. But yet... this keeps happening.

OP posts:
FadingFastest · 20/08/2026 22:33

I recently heard something that resonated with me …. The first time someone disrespects you, you are a victim - subsequently you are a volunteer!

You can choose not to volunteer for more of this shoddy treatment - value yourself more.

KidsDoBetter · 20/08/2026 22:32

You know the answer to this.

You've shown him time and again that you’ll accept this shit. So you get the same behaviour.

It won’t change. So you either accept this is what the rest of your life will be like. Or you get rid. That’s it.

Original poster
Likeacowsopinionitsmoo · 20/08/2026 22:29

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2026 21:50

Well depends on what he is promising nd how it impacts you.

Its really difficult to share more details without it being outing as my friends would 100% recognise it was me, even though I've changed my username.

But its absolutely something that breaks my trust - and something that I've said previously if it keeps happening that it will mean the end of our relationship. Our finances are completely separate but it does involve him spending significant amounts of money and time with others... that's not what gets me though, its the prioritising others over me. I'm bottom of the pile again. I could have accepted it, had he just been open and honest.

Its the breach of trust and lack of thought about me. He made the choice to do this knowing he was letting me down, knowing id be hurt and upset, but just expecting me to forgive him again once it all blows over.

OP posts:
damemaggiescurledupperlip · 20/08/2026 22:22

Why not give yourself a chance, not him? Move on: you can’t trust him to have your back

Lilyargin · 20/08/2026 21:55

Yes, you should walk away. You’re being disrespected. How many chances should you give him? One. More than that and what message are you giving him? I’ll tell you: I’m fine with you letting me down. I’m a doormat. You can keep doing it, I won’t send you packing, I’ll suck it up and maybe turn to Mumsnet in the hope they say everyone deserves a second chance.

Is that the message you want to give? Is that what you think? Don’t you deserve better than this?

Apdjvt · 20/08/2026 21:53

I think you need to share more on what he lets you down about. However my experience of this is that as much as you can love someone the continual letting down and forgiveness cycle makes you feel bad about yourself and if a relationship makes you feel shit about yourself then you have to leave

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2026 21:50

Well depends on what he is promising nd how it impacts you.

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